Who Replaces the Mustache?

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Ever since Brad Childress was released as the Minnesota Vikings head coach on Monday, there has been rampant, mouth foaming speculation about who the next coach will be. Candidates have been combed through, gems amongst the coal mines suggested. You’ve been inundated with the Jon Gruden’s, the Tony Dungy’s, the Bill Cowher’s, name after name after name that has made little to no sense whatsoever. First, Gruden has gone soft as a pregnant girls ankles. We don’t want him. Tony Dungy hates teh gays. Him and I would never get along. He’s out. Bill Cowher has a mustache that could compete, but I’m through with mustache’s. Childress has tainted those for me, even mustache rides. WEEEE! No, instead, today, PJD runs you through our list of candidates for the next Minnesota Vikings head coach, starting with:

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Leslie Frazier:
No. Next option.

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Bear Grylls:
What all of the fans are looking for in their next head coach is someone who would go out and bite the head off of a threat, stomp on someone’s neck, and put the dagger through the opposing team’s heart. Bear Grylls may just do all of those things as a Vikings head coach, but literally. I could envision him leaping around the scaffolding of a new stadium that was specially built to hide hidden pulleys and levers that when activated set certain death traps which would end up killing Aaron Rodgers. Then Bear would convince the team that the only way to win would be to eat Rodgers alive. So then we’d be cheering for a bunch of cannibal survivalists instead of lazy and stupid attention whores. I could get behind that. Imagine the game day scene too … the fucking stadium would be like a death trap every day.

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Chef Gordon Ramsey:
With Childress around there was a significant lack of authority in the locker room. The Vikings frequently relied on veteran presence and RICK FUCKING SPIELMAN to step in and lay down the law of the land. However, if the Vikings were to hire Gordon Ramsey you wouldn’t see one player skipping mini camp. The nutrition would be stellar AND delicious. And the Vikings would never have to have fucking Tinucci’s come and serve their dog food ever again. GOURMET ALL THE WAY FUCKERS!

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David Wooderson:
As much as Childress was a weak disciplinary coach, he also sucked at human relations, which is really weird since he kept toting his degree in psychology like he could read people’s minds like Oz. What you need is a guy who understands what things are like, man, who can relate to Percy Harvin, the young kids, and can shoot the shit with them about the cheerleaders always staying the same age. David Wooderson, while fake, would still be the ideal person. I don’t want Matthew McConaughey anywhere near my team, but I would personally buy a Wooderson coaching jacket. Throwback, of course.

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Ezio Auditore da Firenze:
OK, again, totally a fake option here, but we need a coach on the Vikings that could rally the troops in a pinch, restore confidence in a man during a period of oppression, talk in a sexy Italian accent, and have the ability to stab the shit out of people in their face from high up on a perch above the sidelines or sneak down blended in the crowd to separate their spine from their skull. Even losing would be awesome then. “Oh, you’re going to put your back-ups in against me, Fat McCarthy? HOW ABOUT I STAB YOUR FACE IN.” I would enjoy that.

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James Franco:
Well, clearly he doesn’t like bears, so he would fit right in to the North division. This is really a selection for the ladies, though. It’s a purely a hire to encourage the building of a stadium. Franco would charm the pants off of those liberal mom’s who watch the Young and the Restless during the day so that he could coach one season in a new stadium. Then he’d retire to banging out Hollywood actresses instead of hanging around men all the time, and I don’t blame him. Call me, James!

Got your own suggestions? Put them in the comments and tell us why. We only have like four more months of speculation, so get to it!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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