Zero Insight with Sid Hartman: Wah Wah Wah Stadium Wah

Occasionally, PJD likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets of blank wisdom like this special retardery …

While the Vikings are doing all of the lobbying for a new football stadium,

Alright, we have to stop right there. The Vikings have been doing almost fucking NOTHING to lobby for a stadium. People may disagree to an extent, but if the Vikings really wanted a stadium that much they would push people a lot harder than they have been. The loudest people lobbying for a stadium are the fans, dick face, and the fact that you think it’s actually the team doing it makes me furious. You put yourself on a pedestal right up there with the Vikings organization, don’t you? Like you’re some type of Don Shelby or something, huh? I hate you so much. This is Zero Insight is going to go over real well …

… a fact that is not emphasized is that the building would be used for a lot more events than just the 10 Vikings games each year.

RRRAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!

Currently, the Metrodome is used nearly 350 days a year for various events, and that also would be the case of a new so-called Vikings stadium.

Here’s the Metrodome calendar of events for May. It’s posted right on their website, like an advertisement. It shows 13 events this month, with the majority of them belonging to University of Minnesota baseball games, as well as amateur baseball games. Let’s say 13 events at the stadium par for a month. That means that there are really only 156 “events” on average at the Dome per year, with 10 Vikings games tossed in bringing us up to 166 events. …… that’s not even close to 350 days a year when this shit hole is used, and the Gophers will be leaving when a new baseball stadium is built on campus soon anyway. YOU FUCKING LIED, SID.

What the geniuses over in the Legislature

Ok, ok, settle down old man, let’s get you some warm milk …

… don’t understand is the fact that a new roofed stadium would be the home to many great events like the Super Bowl, the NCAA Final Four, the state high school football championships, different college football games and so many other shows. Gophers men’s basketball coach Tubby Smith might be able to bring in a top-drawing team like Duke for a game.

Facepalmed.

I honestly can’t facepalm enough to this. Did the Vikings pay you to write this? If a Super Bowl is ever played hear again I will drink the remains of your enema bag. If a college football game is ever played in a new Vikings stadium I will watch a week’s worth of “Ellen” shows. If Tubby Smith, who is clearly on his way out of the state in short time, ever gets fucking Duke to come play basketball at a football stadium, I will fly into space and stick my penis into space vacuum, I promise. None of this is going to happen.

Recently, the domed Ford Field in Detroit attracted close to 40,000 people for the NCAA Frozen Four games.

EEEEEENNNN, it’s hockey, no one cares.

Also, the new Cowboys Stadium in Dallas already has been host to the NBA All-Star Game that drew 77,000

Dallas Mavericks with Mark Cuban versus the Minnesota Timberwolves and Glen Taylor. You’ve been drinking, am I right?

… the Manny Pacquiao-Joshua Clottey fight that drew close to 50,000 and several other big events already.

Really? Then fucking name them. And boxing is dead too. Don’t rest your laurels to heavily on your hopes to attract boxing Sid, even though I know you must be tired.

Then you had Minneapolis-St. Paul Business Journal report that the Vikings-Cowboys playoff game resulted in $5.8 million spent by fans who came here for that game, according to a University of Minnesota study.

RESEARCH! IT’S SCIENCE! Cool, so $5.8 million would pay back how much of the stadium? I bet not more than $1.5 would ever come back to the state. Don’t doubt how deep Zygi’s pockets can be …

Then you have Minnesota Chamber of Commerce President David Olson saying last Thursday that his group would oppose a metrowide 2.5 percent hotel and lodging tax.

Ok, then let’s think of something else. The hotel tax isn’t a deal breaker.

Well, Mr. Olson, there was a time when the Minneapolis Chamber of Commerce had great leaders like Gerald Moore and Norm McGrew,

“And soda pop cost .05 cents, and I could type my stories on that fandangled typewriting machine! Now people post news stories on their Twitter Bug and people like Amy Klobuchar are in political office!”

… and they, along with other top business leaders in this town, were responsible for making this a four-team major league city. There was a Sports and Attractions Committee that was so active compared with the nothing your group does to help the sports community these days.

I don’t know those old fogeys from way back when, but I’m guessing they did a whole lot of change pocketing and maybe, just maybe, during this states bazillion dollar deficit, this Mr. Olson is first and foremost making sure that if another fucking bridge falls that the state can pay for it.

Furthermore, there were more than 7,000 people working to build the Gophers and Twins stadiums and from what I hear, most of them are drawing unemployment checks these days. A lot of money could be saved if they went to work. I’m surprised some of those unemployed workers don’t march on the state Capitol and let the Legislature know they want to go back to work.

See they would, but then they’d GET work and lose their unemployment checks and wouldn’t be able to sit around and masturbate all day long. It’d be kind of like if you weren’t tenured at a dying newspaper and actually had to go out and greet people at Wal-Mart, you geriatric fuck.

I don’t believe the Wilf family will ever move the Vikings. But I have reasons to believe that if they don’t get a stadium, they will sell the team.

Really, what are those reasons? … Nothing? You have no idea what day it is, do you?

If that happens, the state will lose the millions of dollars in income taxes that the Vikings and visiting players pay each year, plus the large contributions the team contributes in taxes.

After spending millions more on financing a stadium. Soooooooo, they don’t even break even.

You keep on hearing that the team might move to Los Angeles. There is even an better possibility: Tuscaloosa, Ala., home of the University of Alabama football team, with a modern stadium seating close to 100,000 and only 58 miles from Birmingham.

The Houston Oilers moved to Nashville, so why wouldn’t Birmingham be a good site?

Because it’s fucking Birmingham. Are you fucking kidding me right now?

The Crimson Tide fan base drew close to 100,000 for a spring football game recently.

Yeah, with free admittance. You think those backwards southern fucks would pay money to go? Hey, how about this. The Nebraska Cornhuskers drew over 77 thousand to their spring game, and they had to pay! MOVE THE VIKINGS TO NEBRASKA!! Idiot.

Yes, keep on making it tough for the Wilfs to compete, and like the Lakers and the North Stars, the Vikings will be gone.

Oh, your passive aggressiveness really grates my balls, old man. Yes, because the Vikings can’t compete when they win their division two years in a row and continually fail because of … what is it, their stadium? No, their fucking coach and questionable quarterbacks.

Here’s the deal. I want a new stadium. I do. I’d increase taxes for it in a second. I thought the merchandise, lodging, and etcetera taxes were all good ideas. But don’t fucking make this out to be some ignorant passivity from policy makers just because the only important thing you’ve ever done with your life is interview athletes in the nude. Jesus Christ, you’re an asshole.

Besides, you’ll be dead by the time the team is sold, so what do you care?

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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