Acting Not-Very-Cordial: Talking Vikings and Packers with Total Packers

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Clearly a model they brought in from lands VERY far away from Wisconsin.

Welcome to a special edition of “Acting “Not-Very” Cordial,” where we preview the upcoming game by talking with another blog (Somehow Wisconsin fans got access to the internet?) in an attempt to DIG DEEP in the minds of the enemy. Honestly, it’s my favorite post of the week because outside of this mildly redundant intro paragraph, I typically just get to copy and paste text into a CSS editor and then decide which parts of it look better in bold or not. Then I find a funny picture of football players, maybe make a LOL fart joke on it, and slap it in there as multimedia. I’M A BLOGGING GENIUS!

This week, I took one for the team (much like Aaron Rodgers takes one for himself every night … from a man, you see) and interviewed some shit head from a Packers blog called Total Packers. Never heard of it? Of course not. Why would you visit an internet site stuck in 1997? However, this week you should as we both asked each other questions and then posted responses on each other’s blogs. I tried to be as mean as possibile, so head over there when you can, call them a bunch of sheep f*ckers, and then get out as soon as possible. In the mean time, read on as I grill this bastards about Aaron Rodgers being gay, why all Wisconsin fans like Twins baseball, and get an idea of just how bad they think they’ll pummel us by this week. Solid stuff.

As a primer, in case you want to know just how much you shoould hate these people, here’s the little blog description they sent me:

Total Packers was built out of pure hatred. Sure, we love the Green Bay Packers, beer, whiskey, women and other things of that nature. We’re good-natured drunks for the most part, but we really hate one thing — Minnesota Vikings fans. You’re a bunch of insufferable pricks with an inferiority complex. Every time you have a decent team we have to listen to your incessant, ignorant blather about how the fucking Queens are the greatest team ever and how you’re going to win it all. Well, guess what? Ah, f*ck it… I’m going to go polish our Lombardi Trophies.

Oh, a tophy joke, huh? 10 points for originality! On to the questions:

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Purple Jesus Diaries: When you’re out at the bars in Green Bay on like a Friday night getting wasted on Pabst (by choice, not because you’re a hipster asshole), do you ever worry that Aaron Rodgers might slip something in your drink and bring you back to his place with his male roommate and give you a mustache tickle? Or would that be an instance where you would “take one for the team” so to speak and give him a wild night in hopes it will lead to a Sunday victory? Just curious, of course.

Total Packers: I’ll tell you what. If it means the Packers win another Super Bowl this year, I’ll definitely take it for the team. To some people that might mean I’m gay, but you know what it feels like to win the Super Bowl, so you probably understand. Oh, wait… no you don’t.

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PJD: Is there a single player on the Vikings that you’re concerned about for Sunday’s game? At all? Even a little? I mean, if I were you I wouldn’t be worried in the slightest, but you never know. Sure, Purple Jesus is a fine player when you’re dirty cornerbacks aren’t trying to tear his MCLs, and Jared Allen has had some decent games against you. Even Percy Harvin is “OK” when he’s not trying to scoop McNabb passes off the turf. Anyone else though? The coaches don’t count, obviously, because ours suck and yours is fat.

TP: He’s a dumb hillbilly and probably has sex with sheep, but Jared Allen is on a tear. He’s on pace to break Michael Strahan’s sack record. I doubt he’ll keep that pace up, but for the time being I’ll tip my cap to him. AP is a beast. I can’t hate on him, even though he plays for the shittiest fuckwad organization in all of sport. Fortunately, the Packers are stout against the run. They’re not so stout in pass defense, but you’re giving a rookie quarterback his first start. I’d wager the Packers move up the ranks in pass defense after this week.

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PJD: Would you say Wisconsin fans are huge bandwagon baseball fans or moderate bandwagon baseball fans? I cannot tell you how many times I’ve encountered die-hard Packer fans from all across your state who will curse the Vikings up and down like a limp-wristed sailor but then fawn over Joe Mauer. Is it a man-on-man thing with facial hair and sport athletes? Serious question.

TP: People from Wisconsin are serious fans of all Wisconsin teams. You know why? Watching sports involves boozing and we booze better than anyone. Oh, and nice season by the Twins. When were they out of contention? May? At least the Gophers will make their annual appearance in the Dogshit Bowl.

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PJD: Is the consensus among your fans that Clay Matthews wasn’t a good enough football player so he had to take PEDs to make it to the NFL? Because that’s actually just the truth. And AJ Hawk? Is everything going well with him after the sex change?

TP: I really don’t keep track of what drugs our players are on. So long as they win, they can shoot heroine on the sideline. Brett Favre is a perfect example. As a Packer, he took Vicodin and won a Super Bowl. As a Viking, well…

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PJD: Tell me what you think about this idea: The state of Minnesota installs a toll booth into Minnesota, just for this weekend, and between the traveling Cornhusker and Packer fans driving into the state to see the Minnesota teams get fist blasted, the Vikings could buy an entirely new stadium! Then you could come back and take that over too, cheering “Blow Pack Blow!” I’m pretty sure I got that cheer right, but let me know if I’m wrong.

TP: It’s going to suck when your team moves to L.A., isn’t it? Frankly, that’s my worst nightmare. I grew up in Wisconsin, but live in L.A. now. While I’d love to have an NFL team here, I’ll be sitting outside LAX with a sniper rifle if the Vikings come to town. Stop being such cheap cunts and pony up for the stadium already. They’ll realign divisions if the Vikings move to L.A. and that will really suck. There’s nothing we enjoy more than the Packers beating the shit out of the Vikings.

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PJD: Finally, prediction? Anything less than a 38 point win would be embarrassing for you guys.

TP: You’re right. Packers 170, Vikings 3. And that’s only because Mike McCarthy will put the backups in right after halftime because he doesn’t want to run up the score.

What a bunch of dicks. Thanks for nothing, Packer fans. I hope you die this weekend inside of a tiger.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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