An Ode to a Crying Girl Who Hates the Packers

http://youtube.com/watch?v=

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This is a video of a poor, poor baby soul called Lauren. She is weeping her god damn eyes out because the Packers won the NFC Championship game last Sunday, or, she is doing exactly the same thing I did in a drunken stupor sometime on Sunday evening as well, I just don’t remember it.

Lauren is just like any other NFC North team fan, even at a young age, she just expresses her emotions more visibly than the rest of us. Once she learns how to properly use words like “fuck you dad” and “Holy shit Aaron Rodgers is a butt pumper” then she’ll recoil back into the realm of inhumanity that the rest of of live in. But for now, she’s just an innocent princess that we can all look up to, a shining light amidst the asshole father that can only say “welp, tough shit, sweetheart!” I would totally be that dad.

In honor of Lauren and everything she stands for that is anti-Packer, we have written her a short poem, after the jump:

http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/2010/writers/don_banks/11/16/nfl-playoff-picture/aaron-rodgers-tx1.jpg
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Why do you cry, sweet Lauren,
Broken doll head, scraped knee, bed time or stray dog bite?
Why shed such tears for the fates of man?

Do you cry fore you know the future?
Will the Packers lose the Super Bowl in a fashion that breaks your father’s black heart like yours was broke asunder?
Will your tears turn salty to sweet?

Why cry, sweet Lauren?
Do you hate the Packers because they steal your father from you every Sunday?
Do you only want to be loved more than a man in tight pants?

Don’t cry, sweet Lauren.
Aaron Rodgers will soon feel the wrath of Benetration and the biggest Hawaiian Island,
When he is sacked and made to cry like your porcelain face,

On Super Bowl Sunday.
They will all cry, sweet Lauren.
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Note to the authorities, this does not constitute child pornography, does it?

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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