Athlete Dong: Why Was I Never Told of This??!

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Believe it or not, there was a story that got out about a Vikings penis that failed to grab my attention. I know, alarming. My wife would roll her eyes at me, alleging that I knew all along but never mentioned anything to try and preserve my delicate heterosexuality, but I genuinely had no idea that Albert Young likes to send dick-picks too.

PS: Don’t read any further if you’re not even quasi-interested in seeing men shirtless and where you can tell they’re pantless. Just sayin’ …. Although I am expecting each and every one of you will look.

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This is the alleged photo that Deadspin posted back in January, that was originally from a masseuse in Minnesota that works with Vikings players. Well, it’s not the originally picture of course, because Brett Favre wasn’t in the real picture shrugging his shoulders, and a PJD logo wasn’t magically in Albert Young’s alleged bathroom either. Whatever. The point of the story is that the Vikings had several things wrong with them in 2010, including Brett Favre STILL trying to get “touched by a woman” (So Deanna is ……… a robot?) and Young learning from the wily old veteran.  A couple things of note here:

- Are we sure this is Albert Young? He looks way too buff to be such a shitty running back. I kind of want to call shenanigans.

- He has some amazing cuticles on his fingers. He has to get manicures, right? I always figured that football players finger nails and cuticles just looks like shit because they would always get beat up, or stepped on, stubbed, dirty, poopy, things like that. I mean, Young WAS on injured reserve all year, so he had plenty of time to kick back and take care of himself. I guess I’m just impressed is all.

- You can clearly tell he man-scapes down there. Gentlemen, let me tell you; trimming your rain forest is the only way to go. The next step? Inviting a razor to your scrotum. You think it’s crazy until you try it once. It’s a sense of freedom akin to having Childress fired.

- I can’t think of a single reason to use a Blackberry like he does when you live in a perfectly good city that provided a wireless signal for an iPhone back when this was probably taken. I guess because you’d have to travel a lot? But even then, is there a single NFL city that wouldn’t work with AT&T, and now Verizon? Come on, Albert, this isn’t fucking 2007 any more.

- I guess pictures and advances on white wimin like this is pretty much what I would expect from an asshole that went to college at Iowa. Stupid fucking school.

- The Deadspin article has this alleged quote from Brett Favre “You don’t know what it’s like to not be touched by a woman for three weeks.” Brett, you know what Deanna was doing while you were “playing football?” Getting dug out by Albert Young. Satisfy her or she’ll get someone to do it for her, you fur-bomb.

- This picture also sums up the Vikings 2010 season pretty well; Kind of disappointing.

And really, I’m not surprised. Deadspin also has a picture of that girl, and frankly, she’s not attractive. I would venture that guys like Young do TERRIBLE things to women that look like that, while guys like Favre weep into her clavicle after ejaculation. Regardless, this is some pretty stupid athlete dong. Oh, you heard a masseuse wouldn’t give happy endings to another player, so you’d try to see if it’d work for you? Good job, Albert, you’re fucking cut.

For the record, I would much rather have Albert Young take Toby Gerhart’s roster spot, however.

And special thanks to Capital J for keeping up on all the athlete dong on the internet and passing this story along! You know he’s good for that.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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