As we all know, Purple Jesus Sr. recently had a child with his hot ass Playboy girlfriend (wife?), Ashley Brown. I think this is PJ’s second child, but the first one was maybe a girl. This one, luckily for all of us, is a boy and rumor has it that he came out with a football wrapped around his umbilical chord. He of course fumbled it. Like father like son! *drumroll*
This is all great news, but then I came across something that just REALLY pissed me off. Some pasty, fat white guy from the Packers (“TJ Lang” is what his circle-jerk buddies call him) also had a child around the same time as Purple Jesus, CLEARLY trying to steal thunder away from the most popular football player to ever put on pads. Really, Packer douche? You couldn’t let it rest for one moment, huh? Well, Purple Jesus Diaries decided to, without bias, put these two newborns through a face-to-face test and let nonpartisan readers like yourselves decide which baby is cooler, obviously then deciding which father/family is cooler, and vicariously leaving no doubt in our minds about which football team is cooler. It’s science, read a book, moran.
So today we present to you Baby Daddy Football Players: WHO YA GOT?! … After the jump:
|TJ Lang||GOD GIVEN NAME||Purple Jesus|
|John Joseph Lang||BABY’S NAME||Purple Jesus, Jr.|
|8 pounds, 10 ounces||BABY WEIGHT UPON BIRTH||16 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal|
|Baby size, like palm length or some shit||SHOE SIZE||A size 13, know what I mean?|
|Detroit, Michigan. BOOO.||LOCATION OF BIRTH||In a small little nook of Texas called HEAVEN|
|General Robert E. Lee||LONG DISTANT RELATIVE||Some nobody named GOD|
|Aaron Rodgers and his homosexual partner||GOD PARENTS||Percy Harvin and his homosexual smoking buddy, John David Booty|
|“Momma”||FIRST WORD||“F*CK YOU CHILDRESS”|
|4 ounces of squirts||AVERAGE WEIGHT OF DIAPER LOAD||1 pound, 2 ounces of a swirling log|
|A lime green||WALL COLOR IN BABY ROOM||BLOOD|
|Plastic Tyco with a carrying case on the back||FIRST STROLLER DETAILS||Black escalade with chrome wheels and a personal cup holder for his sippy cup|
|Fuzzy, blonde. He’s a baby, whatever.||FACIAL HAIR||A thick lustrous mustache.|
So? Who wins? I think it’s pretty clear, but I’m leaving this voting open to the public, so have at it!