Do you ever sometimes just feel like Robert Langdon? Stumbling across some cryptic messages out in the world and then you unravel an entire conspiracy behind something? Me neither, because I’ve never actually seen the movie nor read the book, but was looking for a reason to hot-link to pictures of Audrey Tautou because I heard she was in it. Well, imagine how fast my heart stopped and my pants tightened when I checked out this photo which was posted, likely unbeknown to it’s true meaning, by Minnesota Vikings Assistant Director of Public Affairs, Jeff Anderson.
MY GOD, DO NONE OF YOU KNOWO WHAT THIS IS??!! IT’S THE UNTOLD FINAL CHAPTER OF THE PROPHESIZED PURPLE JESUS STORY!!
“Romans 8:28 –
“And it is said, after the fall of the Balding Overload and crucifixion of the Silver Fox, the return of the Chosen Son will occur, bringing an untold time of peace and prosperity to the land of True Believers and syphilis and diarrhea to worshippers of False Rodgers in lands near and far.
“The trial will be testing, for both Son and disciples, yet like Jonah … or … shit, … Moses? … They guy that led all those Jews arounda dessert like a moron? … Anyway, like that guy, the reward for those who wait will be worthwhile. Be thee ware, however, of misleading stories in a age of fast moving tongues and misinformed Bird Tweets. Rumors of dissent, retirement or travel concerning the Chosen Son are just those … rumors spread by heathens and sinners wishing for an easy opportunity to have their mistakes cleansed from their soul.
“But fear not! With the wizened support of Big Leslie and the financial backing of the Last Standing Jewman on planet Earth, the Chosen Son will rise again soon after the 2014th anniversary of his birth to claim his throne of Purple Jesus, leading his people out of darkness and into a period of prosperity and reward for their dedication! The sun shall shine, true love shall be found in agreeable loins for an evening, and all cares will be washed away in the river of Sippi’s, as the Righteous Followers will be crowned stewards of truth, justice and football!”
I know, can you believe that no one noticed this before? It’s amazing.
So book it, Super Bowl champs in 2013-2014 season … after the team moves to L.A.