Brian Urlacher Now Has Cutler’s Feminine Back

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While the NFL is still mired in it’s months long lock-out, actions which happened only two years ago now seem like an eternity. The same can be said when one reflects on Chicago Bears’ linebacker Brian Urlacher and his original unflattering comments about quarterback Jay Cutler. There was once a time when Urlacher thought Cutler was a “pussy”, indicating that he wasn’t touch physically or mentally, and not instead just a huge leafing flower or baby kitten. When the NFC Championship game occurred for the 2010 season between the Bears and the Green Bay Packers, Cutler was knocked out of the game for an alleged knee injury. His inability to play through the pain and potentially get his team to a Super Bowl made many think that Urlacher was on to something, that Cutler didn’t have the testicular fortitude to fight through pain and be a shining beacon of hope and strength to his team.

But Cutler’s performance in the NFC Championship did change one mind, and perhaps the only one that matters. Brian Urlacher appeared at a school function a couple of weeks ago and spoke briefly about the quarterback he has now spent two years with. “Jay Cutler is still a pussy” Urlacher said, “But he’s not a huge pussy, so I can respect him for that.”

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The comments were made in a round-about way of support for the quarterback who has had to endure an offseason of ridicule after his injury. Where many fans and viewers alike saw Cutler standing nonchalantly on the sidelines, appearing healthy enough to play, Urlacher saw something different. “The dude said he couldn’t play, and I’m going to take his word for it.” Urlacher continued, remembering the game. “I saw him try to walk around on it on the sidelines and he was walking realy gingerly, and making these kind of ‘Tssss! Oooohh! Owie!’ faces as he was walking, so I know he was really injured. I mean, at least he gave it a try there and kept standing on it, instead of just kicking his feet up and chugging Gatorade, texting his snatch. I can respect him for that and not think of him as a huge vagina, then.”

Urlacher also commented on how disappointed he was that other players, both on his own team and elsewhere, took to social media tools to express their thoughts that Jay Cutler was a “pussy.” He said, “I thought it was kind of weak, man. I mean, if you’re going to call someone a bleeding gash, at least do it to their face like I did in training camp and not through a text or something. That’s gay, and I should know a thing or two about being gay after spending a couple of years in a locker room with Cutler … Wait, you can say that, right? Gay? Like as a knock on a dude? Like calling someone a Hugh Jackman? Whatever, it’s a lock-out, they can’t screw me. And I mean, it’s not like he’s going to beat you up or anything, he’s still a pussy, but he’s a pussy that deserves respect now!”

As for what Urlacher expects from Cutler in the future, he remained noncommital. “I think he’s still going to be our quarterback, definitely. Will he be a good one? I don’t know. Will he still ice his non-throwing arm for two hours after a game? Probably. Can a dude get any softer after he gets married to someone like Kristin Cavallari? I wouldn’t think so, but with Jay you just never know. The one thing you can count on is him getting a little bit more respect from me in the locker room. From now on, when we lose and fight it out after the games I’ll still call him a huge wet labia, but I’ll also give him a wink after I say it. That’s how he’ll know we’re still bros.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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