It is that time of year again when the Minnesota Vikings find themselves on a bye week. Unlike last season when the bye week came early in the season (came too early? Typical), this year’s bye week is pretty much smack-dab in the center of the season. Which really kind of sucks, because I was just about ready to choke on some Ponder … hype. Uh, Ponder-hype. Yeah… Every Vikings bye week is approached with trepidation, however. Will there be more scandal, double penetration, sex boating, or cock texting? There’s only one way to find out. Welcome to PJD’s 2011 Bye Week Check In, where we transcribe off-the-record interviews with several Vikings players to see what they have been up to with their time off. To start off, we check in with everyone’s new favorite shirtless quarterback, Christian Ponder:
“Oh, hey ladies. I didn’t even see you come in. You either, dudes. No biggie though. I’m just taking some time this bye week to work on my fundamentals, you know, like my pecs and delts, and stuff, no big deal. In my first two NFL starts I’ve learned a lot of things, things that will help my career going forward, things about how you play the game and compete. First totes major item? You need a strong arm. A rocket arm to really gun those footballs into your receivers’ bellies. You need to be able to cock that arm back, flex every single one of your muscles all at once, and then release that pigskin like a virgin’s first pelvic thrust down field. No joke. That’s how Rodgers does it in Green Bay, except maybe a little bit more flamboyant, and in texting back and forth with Brett Favre, he gave me some tips on how to keep my throwing arm in shape. That dudes a trip, man. I’m not really sure if I’ll take all his advice … I don’t want elbow tendinitis or anything … but it really makes you think.
“So that’s me, that’s my bye week. Just doing some lifts, studying film, straightening out my eyebrows, and oiling myself in the mirror from time to time or every hour. It really helps to loosen up the muscles after a brutal workout, you know? I could actually really go for a massage therapist … any takers? Haha, just kidding ladies. Or am I …!”
“YO. whaddup yo mudda FUCKAAS. youask what AHM doin durin dis BYE week, muddafuccka? WELL DIS BYE WEEK I BE IN JAIL, JUST LIEK DA BYE WEEK BEOFRE LAST AND DA BYE WEEK I GUNNA HAVE NEXT WEEK. das that type o shit i be doing on my day off, be isittin in dis heya JAIL CEL readden dat BIBLE and prayin ta GOD ta get mee otter heya because dat be some WACK ASS BULLSHIT dat beplaced on me about chokin some beetch out for bein a beetch in my own damn house but that anin’t eben no thang because ain’t no one say I did it, mayne, ain’t no one there to rat me out but that broke ass roommate who DON”T KNOW WHAT HE SAW and neva will, maybe, if he knows what good fo him so until that time I BE SPENDNIG DIS BYE WEEK by holdin on ta mah soap real tight, eattin mushed peas for lunch, scratching lines on da wall to help me keep track of da days i been locked away like a MUDDAFUCKIN rat up in heya when it just ain’t right, mayne, aint right, because I needa get back on dat field and legally be able to CHOKE A MUDDAFUKA wid a takle, accepts if I grab by dem shoulda pads, but Polamalu’s hair be OK, brah, das coool, real cool na back da FACK up because I gunna get me dat prison tattooo brah, MOUNTAINEERS FO LYFE.”
“Ahaha, why, good day fair gents. So glad you could spend some of your valuable time inquiring upon my jaunting during this annual week of respite. It shall be a time for peace, indeed! Guffaw! What have I, Sir DeGeare, been researching for my vacation time? Why, I’ve done nothing but explore the wild outdoors in the great state of Minnesota with my exquisite fiance. We have deduced upon a travel northward bound to what you fair gents titled ‘The Northernest Shoreline’ to such fair villages as Duluth, Two Harbors, Tofte, Grand Marais, and even a pleasant day trip yonder the Canadian border to Thunder Bay! Question! Did you know Thunder Bay has no thunder? Remarkable! This trip has truly been a delight, and just a perfect way of relaxing after eight rigorous weeks of standing on the sidelines with occasional spot duty in games. My, that uncertainty of playing can most definitely wear a person out! This northern vacation has been just the song to sooth our souls, particularly when it has been paired with a fine plate of planked salmon, a dried cranberry wild rice pilaf, grilled squash and a fine Chianti. Succulent! Alas, return to the Dual Cities we must to prepare for the remainder of the season. Fare thee well, Northernest Shoreline!”
Thanks to these players for these wonderful
- Chad Greenway is busy watching coaches tape, crying, and still trying to figure out how Iowa lost to the Gophers
- Big Leslie is drinking. A lot.
- Percy Harvin went to visit an old, good friend in John David Booty, maaannn.
- Brian Robison has set up several doctor’s appointments to check his prostate health.
- Greg Camarillo has picked up some late-season lawn care work to supplement his pay check.
- Chris Kluwe is hanging around, just being awesome like usual.
- Donovan McNabb has set up a make-shirt tent outside of his local McDonalds and is trying to see if he can eat enough McRibbs to have the Vikings release him from his contract.
- Joe Webb has been seen running around downtown Minneapolis in a Spider-Man mask.
- Everson Griffen has taken a week’s trip to Fantasia.
- Mike Singletary has gone from store to store to try and finally find pants that fit him.
- Winfield bought a bunch of baby puppies and is doing a week long, shirtless photo-shoot with them, showing off his perfect smile.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments. And just to clarify, this is satire and all of this was made up. MINDBLOWN!