Christian Ponder technically isn’t even a Minnesota Vikings yet (thank YOU, greedy ass owners!) and already he’s besting NFC North quarterbacks like he’s Obama announcing bin Laden’s death. Why is that, you may ask. I mean, the guy hasn’t even thrown a pass in the NFL, has injury concerns, and was considered a reach by most experts in the draft. How could he POSSIBLY be better than any NFC North QB?
Because his life partner is way more attractive than any of them.
Seen in the picture above and below is Christian Ponder’s current girlfriend from Villanova, Kacie McDonnell. I have no idea what she does, besides work on keeping a flat stomach for her swim suit shots, and frankly it doesn’t really matter. Ponder seems like a cool enough dude where he’ll be like “Hey baby, don’t worry about fighting through the grind of all the other nerds looking for a job in this bad economy. Quit that waitressing gig, and come serve me food that I have a personal chef make for us because WE MILLIONAIRES!” Yeah, I would totally do that too.
Claiming this new comer of athlete wives/girlfriends to the scene as being the best seems a bit audacious to start with, until you really break down the competition. At that point, you clearly see Ponder has every right to be smiling:
Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers: Technically, Rodgers bounces from girl to girl and doesn’t seem to ever track down a single lady to hitch his belt to. Hey, maybe this is good for him. Maybe he’s doing a whole quantity over quality thing. But as far as I know, Rodgers’ last girlfriend whom he was seen with in Hawaii doesn’t hold a nightlight to Kacie. As you can tell here, while perfectly attractive enough to get a normal man’s berries to juice, her tramp stamp eliminates her from any serious girlfriend or wife talk. BOOM! PONDER WINS!
Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears: Please. This shit isn’t even a competition. Oh! How cute! You’re now engaged to a reality TV start that is debatebly more famous and less of a weiner than you are! The only really question here is who is the alpha dog in this relationship? Is it Kristin Cavallari or is it Cutler? If you said Cutler you’re clearly lying to yourself. This of course means that we’re then comparing Kacie to Cutler, and I think we know who wins. Even so, if we were comparing Kacie to Cavallari I would assume you would have to vote for Kacie because she would be less maintenance, right? I imagine Cavallari as an unworthy Jessica Simpson with smaller boobsicles. Barf.
Matthew Stafford, Detroit Lions: OOF! This is the only real competition for Kacie. Stafford’s girlfriend, Kelly Hall, is a former UGA cheerleader and an attractive young philly. She also appears to own, or have access, to a boat and can do a keg stand like a champ. There’s not a whole lot to disagree with, except for the fact that she looks like if you were to lay with her in the Biblical sense that Chris Hansen might come knocking on your door. Would it be worth it??? ….Tttttssssssssssssssssprobably not, in which case you’d still have to go with Kacie.
So congrats, Christian! You’re already a more highly regarded quarterback in the NFC North based on athlete swag alone. If you are interested in following Kacie McDonnell on Twitter, you certainly can do so here, and if for some odd reason you want to further this scientific study and view more pictures of her on the internet, you may find them at Frat House Sports (appropriate for this topic). And check it out, she’s already a fan of Vikings, so she fits right in! Do you think Cavallari has ever dressed up as a Bear? DOUBTFUL! WE WIN!