Christian Ponder to Start, Vikings Officially Sucking for Luck

*The crowd goes hushed as Big Leslie walks in on an impromptu press conference to announce a significant roster change*
“I wanted to thank you all for coming here on such short notice. I know this is a bit out of the blue, but the Minnesota Vikings wanted to make a significant announcement today that will change the future of this franchise forever.

First, we have made a football decision to start Christian Ponder this week against the Green Bay Packers. It will be Christian’s first professional start as we move Donovan McNabb to a veteran, mentor role on this team. While it was a tough decision for us to do this, we feel this is the best move for the organization at this time so we can continue to try and win football games. I want to thank Donovan for being so understanding with this move, and know he will continue to be a professional in all regards, prepare Christian as he would his own brother, and remain alert in case he is called upon to win a game for us later this season.”

“In a totally unrelated move, we are announcing our official intentions to Suck 4 Luck.”
“After watching the Miami Dolphins display such an embarrassing ineptness against the New York Jets football team last night, we knew we had to make a critical move in order to get our team back into the competition for Standford quarterback Andrew Luck. Miami is bad, real bad, and Monday night showed they may be worse than us. For the first six games of the season, we knew that in order to put ourselves in an enviable position for Andrew Luck that we would need to play down to our competition and disappoint fans everywhere. Yet, we couldn’t do this all at once.”

“The franchise had decided to incrementally call on parts of the team to step up and help us towards this critical goal. The defense has certainly played their part in the first half of the season, and the special teams really took a lot on their shoulders in Chicago to make sure we would lose that game and stay in competition for Luck. Unfortunately, the offense has continued to play mediocre football, and – after watching the Dolphins, Colts, Rams, and Jaguars – we realized in order to reach our ultimate goal of Luck that we would need to have all three phases of our team blowing pistons to the same degree. This is what has led us to our decision.”

“We feel confident in saying that Christian is the best quarterback on this team to get us to Andrew Luck. While Donovan was acting like a true professional and doing his best to accommodate our wishes, his 60% completion rate this season – and 80% in Chicago – was just too high to get us to where we need to be. Our players know that, and Donovan knows that. And that’s OK. We’ll get where we need to be.”

“We’re confident Christian will be able to lower those numbers, particularly against an intense Packers defense, and get us to our ultimate goal of a franchise quarterback. While we understand it’s a lot to ask of such a young quarterback, but we believe he’s up to the challenge and are excited to see him take us there.”

“Thanks for coming out today, and we’ll see you all on Sunday.”


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.