Alright … how do you get one of these computer-majigs to work again? I haven’t actually had to work to get one of my players signed since working with Chad Gibbs. Why the hell did I agree to represent a punter anyway? Booty must have given me some awesome weed that day … OK, here we go let’s try this “Email Communication.” I think that is what sends people those texts or whatever …
*Sits down at super modern iMac and starts typing*
“My client, Bryant McKinnie, formerly 330 pounds and of the Minnesota Vikings, is now a free agent looking for a football team to play for during the 2011 NFL campaign. While he was only recently released by the Minnesota Vikings for what they wrongly claim were health concerns (400 pounds is nothing! I drink 400 pounds of protein shakes a day!), I can assure you my client is in the best of health of his entire life and is willing to work … with a smile! … (effort negotiable) for your franchise this season. With some exceptions.
“Bryan McKinnie and I have agreed that he would be willing to set aside his pride and accept a meager $2,500,000 base salary for a one-year contract, with heavy incentives. Naturally, we have to ensure incentive rewards for McKinnie as someone of his talent and girth is clearly being taken advantage of in such a fine deal. A mere $2,500,000? That is like randomly going to SubWay and finding out your favorite sandwich has been chosen as the daily Five Dollar Footlong deal. Amazing! AND it is two-for-ones! SubWay: Eat Fresh!
“So for one year and an insulting $2,500,000 guaranteed contract, here is what your team will receive:
- An experienced NFL left tackle who never gave up a sack
( in his college career).
- A “bigger-than-life” personality
(who may throw sex boat scandals on nearby water properties).
- A Pro Bowl left tackle
(who was wrongly voted in to the Pro Bowl and then never competed because he spent too much time partying).
- An experienced NFL player who understands this is all a business move
(to the next step of his music career).
“In return, we ask only for these minor incentives in his contract (in addition to his $2,500,000 which, again, must be guaranteed):
- An additional $500,000 for every sack credited to him for your mistake of not supporting him with a smarter quarterback to throw the ball away
- An additional $250,000 for every play you do not provide a tight end to chip the defensive end in a supporting role
- An additional $100,000 every game he puts on your uniform, whether he starts of not, which really is just … $1,600,000 of additional money we’ll be taking anyway.
- Free food at his locker from his local catering location of choice, pre- and post-game, not to be shared by greedy, undeserving team mates.
“We feel these are reasonable requests and fully anticipate your response. We look forward to hearing from you and are excited for Bryant McKinnie to get back out on that football field, maybe, at some point.
“PS: Please don’t send this to the Vikings.”
*Clicks “Send All,” Vikings receive email, alert teams, McKinnie goes unsigned.*
In case you are a ratard, no, Drew Rosenhaus did not actually say all of this.