Before we jump tip first into the NFL Draft, as responsible Vikings fans we need to take stock of the team to see where we’re at, what’s need, who should be fired, and why certain individuals are making more money then I’ll ever masturbate to. I’M LOOKING AT YOU BRINNY MCKINNIE! To do so, I’ve enlisted the help of Vikings fanatic and generally intelligent person (as far as I know) Capital J to chime in on certain roster situations. We’ll do a little back and forth, provide you with two opinions on where the Vikings stand, all in an effort to get even the most mildly interested fan up to par on what to look for this offseason with your favorite losing squad.
You can find more of Capital J on his Twitter account and his blog, which may not have been updated in an entire year. Today, we cry over the quarterback situation with the Minnesota Vikings. He’s bolded, I’m slanty, like a woman with one short leg.
QB’s on the Roster: Joe Webb, Rhett Bomar [Fuck.]
Draft Priority: Higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20 [I don't get it. Did Hitler live really far up?]
Holy hell, what a train wreck. [Understatement, like "Wow, Packer fans occasionally have sex with farm animals" or "Boy, I'm only mildly attracted to Justin Bieber."] Brett Favre has retired and has yet to unretire and retire and unretire so that means the Vikings have 2 QB’s currently under contract and neither of them should be starting next year if we have an actual shot at being in the mix to win the NFC North [Don't worry! We don't!]. Tarvaris Jackson is a free agent …
… and all indications are that he won’t be brought back (there is a God). Patrick Ramsey [Sounds Irish. I don't trust him.] was brought in as an ”oh shit, we need someone who can resemble a QB and a hold a clipboard on the sideline” signing when shit hit the fan in 2010. His contract has since expired, and probably won’t be on an NFL roster ever again [He sounds like a likely candidate to become an auto mechanic.]. Obviously, the Vikings will be looking for a future signal caller early on in the draft.
Joe Webb performed admirably in 2010, given his circumstances of being drafted as a WR, then moved to QB early on and being the 3rd string QB. That said, he is still a long ways away from being a starter in this league and may still be better off at WR [Although his jump pass is mighty!]. He was too quick to run last season, which you can’t really blame him for being a rookie and thrown into the fire like he was. Ideally, he would be the number 2 QB next season with the Vikings drafting a future QB and having him sit the first season as the 3rd QB and signing or trading a FA Veteran QB.
There have been a few names linked to the Vikings and who their QB could be in 2011, if there is a 2011. The most popular names being thrown out are Carson Palmer [Fart noise], Kyle Orton [Queefcore], Donovan McNabb [Has a mangina], and Kevin Kolb [Eats kittens, allegedly]. Palmer has threatened to retire if the Bengals don’t trade of release him and he could be a nice stop-gap QB for the Vikings if the price is right. The former Trojan (I just wanted to say Trojan [Hey, first thing I thought of when I read it too!]) QB seems like a guy that could really use a change of scenery after dealing with two psych-ward WR’s in Terrell Owens and Chad Ocho-Cinco (is it back to Johnson now?) [Doesn't matter. He's on his last life line in both the NFL and real life.] . He was once a top-10 QB in this league, but has never been the same since suffering a knee injury in the playoffs a few years ago [So was it the knee or the WR's Cap J, make up your mind!].
Kyle Orton, and I never thought I’d say this, could also be an attractive stop gap. He has come along way from sucking it up in Chicago [Sucking it up by beating the Vikings, you mean?] and getting way too much credit for his defense winning games ["And throwing touchdowns against defenses. The defense clearly always played down to his level!]. He has actually turned around his career in Denver and become a respectable QB. At this point I would consider him and Palmer to be options 1a and 1b for the Vikings this off-season. Of course the Vikings would likely have to part with a 3rd, oops Randy Moss, 2nd or 4th rounder for Orton [Thanks Childress!].
Donovan McNabb is terrible now [Really?]. I don’t think I really need to elaborate on why the Vikings shouldn’t touch a guy that was benched in favor of Rex Grossman last season [Uh, because Shanahan is a dick head?]. I’m still trying to figure out why the gave him an extension last year [It was a fake extension. He can be cut this year, no prob.].
The Eagles reportedly want a 1st and something more in return for the services of QB Kevin Kolb. Good luck with that. Kolb hasn’t proved jack in this league yet [Worse QB rating than TarVar I hear!], and it would be atrocious if a team actually gave that up for him. You want a JA type trade for a back-up QB? Fat chance. [then or now?]
A lot of the decision going into who will QB the Vikings in 2011 will be factored in by what direction new OC Bill Musgrave wants to go with his offense. It’s likely that the Vikings move away from their WCO.
Largely, I am in agreeance with Capital J on many of these takes concerning the quarterback position except for a couple of notable spots:
- I would sign McNabb in a heart beat. He’s going to get cut in Washington and picked up by either Arizona or …. Buffalo? I don’t know, but he’d do fine here for three years potentially (not that he’d survive that long behind our line) while we groom a rook appropriately and still give us an opportunity to challenge for not the most sucky in the NFC. And can you imagine … McNabb to Rice? That’d be sexy.
- The assumption is that the Vikings will draft a QB high to groom as the future and bring in a free agent to hold the spot down and mentor both rookie and Webb. That may not be the case, however. I know shit about Musgrave except that he worked with Matt Ryan as a rookie and had him turn in a stellar season then. If Musgrave finds a QB he’d like as a rookie, the Vikings may just take two and roll with it. More likely is that they sign that free agent, but as a backup, move Webb back to third string, and start the rookie. The Vikings don’t have tons of assets to play around with here around draft time, so they can’t start wheeling and dealing trades for QBs and sacrifice two picks on a quarterback unless they REALLY got a boner for two. I don’t see that happening though.
- If the Vikings WERE to sign one of the aforementioned free agents at quarterback, my preference would be McNabb (with a rookie in waiting), Orton, Palmer, and Kolb. Kolb is as bad as TarVar, Palmer has looked awful for several years now, Orton can be a stud if he’s not asked to do too much, and McNabb still has some old wiley veteran gas left in the tank!
Other than this, there isn’t a whole lot of hope for quarterbacks in Minnesota next year, particularly out of the free agent pool. Vikings Gab had a shortened list with a link to an even longer one that also highlighted potential free agents, and the list is littered with names like Alex Smith and Matt Moore, which produe a flaccid penis for any man or woman who looks at the list. It’s that bad.
The other issue with the quarterbacks is that now since we have Bill Musgrave we get a chance to look and see if there would be any free agent QBs that have connections to him. The answer? Not a ton, at least readily available. A quick academic research of his Wikipedia page points out that he’s bounced around quite a lot, but most noticeably worked with Matt Schaub in college and of course Matt Ryan. When you think about it, both guys now run an offense that would be be described as …….. a Pro Style? Which doesn’t do much to give you an idea of what Musgrave is looking for in a QB. A West Coast guy? Accurate short guy? Maybe a trick pony? I have no idea, and I’m not sure Musgrave does either. He may just be smart enough to utilize whatever talent he has effectively, which would be so different … I can’t even put it into words.
We’ll of course discuss more quarterback options as the weeks progress and get closer to the draft, but assuming the top two to four quarterbacks in the draft are gone by pick 12, this is what we’re looking at for quarterbacks next year. Breath it in, ladies. It goes down smooth every time!