We are moving on to Week 10 of the fantasy football season, and playoff talk is becoming a real thing right now. A quick check of PJD’s league shows that with the playoffs starting in Week 14 and ending in Week 16, there’s not a lot of time for people to jockey around into position. IF THE PLAYOFFS WERE TO START TODAY, which doesn’t matter because they don’t start today (why would fantasy playoffs start on a Wednesday? That’s dumb), I am both shocked and appalled to find that PJD’s Shirtless Men would not be the first overall seed in this contest, but rather Parole Models would hold that spot because of that god damn tie record she holds. Way to set up the league correctly, you moron.
But enough of that. Let us not worry about what things will not look like in four weeks. Let’s get through this week first and inch our way back into the number one seed, yes? YES!
Oh, and set your lineups early, because we’re into Thursday games now, too. Oops. Probably should have reminded you all sooner.
Week Results: Welp, Ponder’s Porn Palace is officially out of the league for next year. His sickly 29 points should get him fisted with a screwdriver, but even with those measly numbers he still almost took out Parole Models. Did Parole have people on bye, and that’s her excuse? I don’t know, or give a shit. She should have lost this week and because she didn’t, Porn Palace is out. Glad we wrapped that up early. The rest of the games were nothing to touch yourself to. PJD dropped a whopping 77 points thanks to 30 from Aaron Rodgers (amazing, right?!), and much help from Rob Gronkowski and the Broncos Defense. That’ll happen when you play Carson Palmer, apparently. Tebow’s also had a big day and won, which I predicted would happen (so smart!), and even Rose Gargeners got in on the winning action this week finally, laying a curb stomping on Touchdown. Losing to the last no-win team? You must feel like the Chiefs or something. Feisty Fingers broke out her kegels and beat the shit out of Love Boats, who I think was actually trying. Ouch.
TOYOTA’S DOWN ON YOUR KNEES BIGGEST BLOW OUT: Feisty Fingers broke out her kegels and beat the shit out of Love Boats this week, who I think was actually trying, earning her Toyota’s biggest blow out of the week. That’ll happen when your opponent drops the number you scored turned around. 72-27, huh? Could only make it a 45 point win, I see? That’s too bad. What’s really scary is that Feisty may have found some pixie dust magic with Eli Retard at quarterback. It also helps that she has the Packers Defense on her roster (especially for this upcoming week playing Monday night against the Vikings at home … Eeeee ….), Larry Fitzgerald, and Reggie Bush playing his one good game of his career not against the Vikings. Probably time to drop him now.
Overall Standings: When that foreplay was all said and done, we’re left looking like this. I call Penn State scandal on Parole for getting the one seed because she only has one less loss yet one less win than me. That’s like getting a Bush into the White House, type reasoning. Beyond that, even Feisty has seen her ranking jump from bottom bitch to middle bitch (also known as 13 to 9). What also is evident is that the gay division (see: the double B one) is just awful. Terrible, terrible team management. Five of the Seven teams have losing records, while in the Allan Banger’s division, five of the seven have a winning percentage of .500 or better. Come on, guys? What the hell? I guess that means Tebow and I have the easiest path to the playoffs if we just have to go through our own division? Cool.
Also, 566 total points scored against Touchdown on the season is just … wow. Good luck, dude.
OK, Here’s the Playoff Standings: I lied, let’s talk playoffs more. Here is the current standings. I thought they were maybe going to be the best three teams out of each division, but it doesn’t look like that’s how it’ll go down. I think that’s kind of stupid, but I’m not inclined to change it now, I guess, unless there is a big call of support for it in the comments. Yes? No? GFY? Got it. Either way, teams currently in the playoff picture include MEEEEE!!!!, Parole, Tebow’s, Shiva, Moose, and Cheese. Looks like last year’s champ is sneaking in so far, but with only a 5-4 record that hold on the sixth seed is tenuous at best, like Jake Gyllenhaal’s alleged heterosexuality. With so many teams sitting at 4-5 or 5-5, really, those last two spots could go to almost anyone. Except Rose. Sorry.
Medal of the Week: Since highlighting the medal each week, I think people have been doing some research and just have been trying to find the cheapest and easiest ways to get medals to boost their ratings up. I wholeheartedly approve of this method and would certainly partake in it myself if I didn’t already know I was going to cheat and allow myself to win this league anyway. Hm? This week, Parole gets the medal of the week, which is “I GOT MY EYE ON YOU” (not creepy at all …) for putting some player on her watch list. I didn’t even know that was a thing, I guess. This move also boosted her into a tie for second place on the all time medal list. RIVETING STUFF. You’re welcome.
How Did Shirtless Ponder Do? He probably would have done a lot better if he’d stop wearing his damn shirt.
Looking Ahead: As referenced, I correctly picked the feature game last week which now pushes my record this year to 5-3-1. Look at that. If I had that record I’d be ranked first a number one seed in this league! #stupidties Coming up this week, we have a pretty critical game in the playoff race between Cheese and Moose, both currently back-to-back in records and both sneaking into the playoffs as of now. A win for either gives them a bit of breathing room between them and the competition, while a loss for one team makes it that much harder for the loser to get back into the picture. Breaking news type shit, right there. Anyway, both teams are pretty evenly matched and have some solid help coming off the bench this week. Cheese can plug MJD, Donald Driver, Julio Jones, and Mark Ingram in if need be, while Moose can rely on … Ahmad Bradshaw …. Oh. Ugly. I lke Cheese to get the win this week.
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week 10, Sanduskys!