I hate to say it, but I have pretty much been riding on the tight buns of Aaron Rodgers in fantasy football this season, and it doesn’t bother me one bit. Going in to every week, he is moderately predicted to put up 24 points or so, and every week he blows those predictions harder than his dude roommate. He throws four touchdowns, runs one in, a minimum 300 yards is expected, and he does it regardless of competition. Dude is ridiculous. The only thing that should make everyone happy is knowing that the last QB that did this – Tom Brady in 2007 or whatever – came back and lost his knee and now is just an “amazing” quarterback instead of a butt hole clenching QB, if you get me. That means we’re watching Rodgers play his best ball and it’s all downhill from here. AND I GET TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT ALL!!
If you can’t beat ‘em, pick ‘em in fantasy. On to the PJD Fantasy Football League recap:
Week Results: I will admit, straight up, like a total man with hair on his inner thighs, that I was legitimately concerned that Feisty Fan was going to beat me this week. Going into Monday night I had Aaron Rodgers left and she had the Packers defense, Mason Douchebag, and a two points lead or so. The Packers opened the game with a kick return, sacking the shirt off of Ponder, and Mason Crosby points all without Rodgers seeing the field. Yikes. But then it worked out before he was yanked, I got a league high eight wins, and ya’ll can suckOhhnit. In other news, Tebow’s pulled out a “squeaker” against a guy still starting Garret Hartley (he’s on IR, you know!) at kicker – which totally means Tebow’s is going to be a first round playoff exit – and Parole Models and Percy’s had a nervous game as both had Vikings players vying for touches and points Monday night. Purple Jesus saved the day with his 50 yards and a TD, getting Parole the win and a tie for the league lead with that bullshit tie of hers keeping her at an .800 average. I CALL FOR A COMMISSIONER IMPEACHMENT!! Wait …
TOYOTA’S BAMF OF THE MILLENIUM DEFINED BY THE PAST WEEKEND ONLY, BROS! Does this one even count? When you beat up on Rose by only 33 points is this really an award in your favor or are you being made fun of? “Oooohh, nice work SHIVA! You totally beat up on Rose this week with your 33 points win over the worst team in the league! Congratulations!” I tried using a lot of italics here to indicate sarcasm, since Bloguin doesn’t have a sarcasm font. Either way, you get my point. SHIVA wins this week’s blow-out by default because he was playing the worst team in the league and everyone else was sleepwalking through the week. WhatevZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ….
Overall Standings: All said and done, it’s getting harder and harder for me to lie to the people with losing records and tell them that they should keep playing fantasy football because they still have a chance at fantasy playoffs. I’m …. not so sure they do anymore. With three weeks left of the regular season, it’s looking pretty obvious who the cream of the crop is, who the middle meat sandwich boys are, and who is bottom bitch in this league. I genuinely thought I Touchdown would make a late season swoon (and maybe he still can … gotcha!) into the playoffs, but that’s getting tougher and tougher. On the plus side, Feisty Finger has moved from last place to 11th over the last couple of weeks, so she’s got to be feeling pretty good about that. The rest of you? Retire. You’re done.
Playoff Standings: IF THEY PLAYOFFS WERE TO START TODAY, that’d be really weird. Who starts their fantasy football playoffs in week 11? Right? Anyway, not a ton changes from last week except for a couple of team swaps. For zero reason whatsoever, Shirtless Men gets the number one seed in this scenario while Parole drops to second, and Cheeseheads and Moose Knuckles also swap spots. Maybe that leaves a better match-up for them with the other two mid-level playoff teams in SHIVA and Tebow’s? I don’t know. I will say that Kenny Britt’s Tits at 5-5 and even Percy’s Pot Dealer at 4-5-1 (that tie is crucial!) could perhaps still sneak into contention. The last few weeks here will be critical to determining who I get to ride raw in the playoffs. Ooooo, I can’t wait!
Medal of the Week: There weren’t any totally new or weird medals earned this week, so I went back through the listings and found this curious one obtained by Rose last week. It’s the “Game Changer” medal, which is kind of hilarious because I’m sure Rose did nothing to change his game that week, but it’s when you start a player projected to score less than five points and then they put up 20. Game changer? We call that being a fantasy shit head in most cases. In this case, that shit head was Vincent Jackson when he put up those three touchdowns against the Packers, and, awesomely, when he was playing against I Touchdown who has been victimized by facing some of the highest scoring opponents week in and week out. OF COURSE Vincent Jackson would put up three touchdowns that game! Seriously. This game is just stupid AWESOME sometimes.
Howz Boutz Ponderz? Eh, probably his worst game as a starter, if you can believe that. Even in the first game against Green Bay he managed a touchdown or two. This time? Nothing. But then again, no one really did anything anywhere for the Vikings. Purple Jesus was your best scorer thanks to his touchdown, and the Vikings defense may have been kind of helpful for like three points thanks to Jared Allen sacks, but that’s about it. Pretty pitiful, as expected, and as I can attest to with my still-bleeding eyes.
Looking Ahead: Last week I was picking the Cheesheads and Moose Knuckles game which had playoff implications. I choose Cheese to win, and totally came out on top as he dropped a 51-26 win all over some clenched knuckles. NICE! I am now 6-3-1 on the season, which means you pricks should really be paying me off to select your team to win each week. I’m unbeatable! Looking to the upcoming week I got my eye on the Parole and Cheesehead game, which could have some significant division implications of murder, adultery, and death. Or, at least if Cheese wins, he might get rocketed up to a fourth seed and a home team in the playoffs, if there were such a thing. A quick look at rosters indicates a tight fit (like an Eskimo and a seal), but I again have to give the edge to Cheese based solely on the fact that he has Dreamboat playing against a white-flag-waving Chiefs defense on Monday Night Football. Come on … that won’t even be fair. It’ll be like playing “Pin the rape charge on a Penn State coach.” Easy peasy. Cheese wins.
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week 11, loverboys!