It was a week of epic meltdowns and courageous comebacks. No, I’m not just talking about the Lions and the Bills, although they did both manage to come back from 20+-points on the Vikings and Patriots respectively in real life football, but also in fantasy where even the largest of margin wasn’t safe! … I actually don’t know HOW accurate that is, but since it applies to me and my team and myself and who I am, that’s all that matters.
So let’s dive into this muff monster and see just which two stupid teams decided to shake gentlemanly(womanly?) hands on a tie, get lucky as a skinned cat with a big pay day from a player, and felt the wrath of my pimp hand in this week’s fantasy break down!
Your Stache is No Match: Mmmmmmmmmmshit it feels good to win by one point! If you recall, last week I predicted I would lose to the Zygi Stache despite Yahoo! predicting a win for me. I humbly picked my competitor for no other reason than to F with his brain AND I AM GLAD TO REPORT IT WORKED IN SPADES. That must have been why he started Deangelo Williams and CJ Spiller, and not just because this league is stupid with no players available for anyone. But I DO NOT care. I won with a late and valiant effort from Felix Jones of all people, who I can now confidently drop to the waiver wire and forget about him until next year, because he’s not good for at least another 12 months. VICTORY! And after further review, I’m enjoying all these ties. It makes your forward thinking process all sorts of backwards because you never anticipate having to plan on figuring out how ties act as tie breakers when determining playoff positioning. IT’S CONFUSING AND SEXUAL! Fun stuff.
Tebow Blows (out) Kenny Britt’s Tits, Love Boat Fingers Feisty: That could have been potentially as sexy as it sounds since “Love Boat” (who has been frustratingly anonymous this season .. SPEAK UP WOMAN!) is a lady, but it just means that Tebow and Boat both pelvic ground their opponents into submission this week by 20 points each. And thanks to Purple Jesus Diaries’ Fantasy Football Official Truck of the League, TOYOTA (I can haz sponsorship chek?), we now have that in graphical form! … Kind of … I mean, if you look really close at the bottom you can see Boat and Feisty. Either way, congrats to the winners and *wanking motion* to the losers.
These records are a mess: Not that this did anything to help the overall standings this week. My god, just look at this mess. Trying to pick a winner out of this cluster flock is like trying to pick out the first person to shoot while watching Glee. You can’t do it. And Parole? 1-0-2 and is in second place? That division is the ugliest thing I’ve seen since Maggie Gyllenhaal. You may want to direct your eyes upwards, however, and notice that the only remaining unbeaten and untied team is the league commissioner. Am I superior? Yes, yes I am. Will Ponder’s Porn Palace beat me this upcoming week? … No, he won’t. But the team after that probably will, so best of luck, douche noses.
Also, I call bull shit on Tebow’s record. Sure he’s scored a lot so far this season (184) but opponents have put up the least amount of points total against him in 138. Pfft. I remember when I scored 138. IN ONE GAME. Your luck will run out, son, and then it’s GAME OVA.
Holy shit we can all win medals! GUYS, DID YOU SEE THIS?! WE ALL CAN WIN MEDALS! Go to “Record Book” up top, then “League Medals” and then highlight any team you want. For instance, so far this season I have won the “COROLLA MISTER CLUTCH” award by coming back from being behind and winning a match-up which is super awesome, and “A WINNER IS YOU” by just winning a head-to-head match up. But that’s only two. Boring ass Tebow’s Bible Camp has already won FIVE medals this season! Go check his page out, and yours, and tell me what other secrets you find around there. This has become one of the most interesting developments of the year, IMHO, IYAM. Clearly, my favorite is this clutch one because it looks like it will make my hands really good at jackin’ it, you know?
Fantasy mailbag: One team manager, CollegeWolf, took tons of pity on me and sent in the following question:
“I guess this won’t be answered in time for this weekend, but I need a win this week and was wondering who to play in my Flex position (Decker, Hightower, or Devery Henderson.) And I guess since I won’t be reading your answer until next Wednesday, please tell me how awesome I am for drafting Eric WHITE POWER Decker. Hopefully it doesn’t blow up in my face this weekend when I start him against Tennessee. That is all.”
Well, I wouldn’t call it AWESOME that you drafted Decker. Drafting any white player not at quarterback is pretty much a joke pick, we all know that. Starting him at your flex spot wasn’t particularly helpful either, as he only ended up with 1 point for you. I would have put in Devery Henderson because you just never know with that Saints offense, and he’s had a longer time of consistency in putting up points than Decker. Sure, he had one GREAT week, but so did Bertrand once when he had 100 yards and a TD. Remember that? No? Exactly. Congrats on the win regardless, as Megatron and Ryan Matthews certainly saved your skin.
Got a question to ask in the fantasy mailbag, retroactively or not, this league or other? Maybe not even football related? Send it in by emailing PJD here and we’ll answer it!
Vikings top scorer was …: Believe it or not, the Vikings offense (and defense!) played what I would call a “mediocre flex week pick up” type of game on Sunday, which is impressive in it’s own right. Purple Jesus had 75+ and a TD (~9 points), Longwell put up 9 through three field goals, and even McFatty had 8 points off of a touchdown pass and 200 yards. IMAGINE IF THEY EVER PUT IT ALL TOGETHER! Just kidding, don’t do that because then you’ll want to sepuku yourself.
Looking ahead: So far my predictions are 0-1-1 on the season, making me as reliable as Chris Berman. I like it. This week, there’s an interesting match-up which could go a long way in determining power hierarchy in the Brandon Bernard Lovers division when Tebow’s Bible Camp (2-0-1) takes on Love Boat (2-1-0). Tebow’s is currently projected to win by Yahoo!, 58-50, and you can see why. While Love Boat has some interesting pieces in Flacco (solid game last week, but will it be consistent?) and Run DMC, you have to wonder if the rest of the team will be able to pick up
her saggy breasts the slack. When will Chris Johnson stop being a bitch? Can Dallas Clark do anything but block this year? I say no, which is why I think Tebow’s comes (out) on top this week. Don’t make me look like a jackass here, Tebow’s!
Tell us about your game! I wasn’t paying attention! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your matchup screen! Share your medals! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT. Enjoy week four!