True story time: I’ve been playing fantasy football for, give or take, ten years now. No, I wasn’t one of those douchers who checked box scores in the early ’90s to add up my point total and then kept track in a MSDOS document, but ten years is still a long time. In that span, I’ve won maybe one playoff game. One. I’ve made it to the playoffs several times with great teams and continually shit the bed. This is true across the board; free leagues where we only play to shit talk, pay leagues where my wallet is on the line, and now this league where I still have to buy some asshole a shirt at the end of it. And you know what? PJD’s Shirtless Men is the best team I’ve fielded this year, despite this league being the dumbest based off scoring, size, bench, and flex players. And at this rate, if I win, I still lose. Just call me the Minnesota Vikings. *drum roll*
Enough of this wank story, let’s get to the results:
But seriously, I just trounced some ass: PPPPFFFFFFFTTTTTT!!! I love Aaron Rodgers. Not in a gay way or anything, but totally in a “let’s make out a little bit after a couple of Zima’s and after you throw four touchdowns and run two in kind of way just to see what happens.” I am a genius for picking him up in fantasy, and all the rest of you are stupid for not doing it. Thanks to him, I absolutely man-handled Ponder’s Porn Palace this week to the tune of +49 points. It was a very arousing weekend for me, also because I looked at some boobs on the internet. That, and the Vikings got closer to Luck, so everything came up PJD!
Miraculous Comebacks: Heading into Monday night, there was one team that desperately needed someone from the Colts or the Bucs to step up and score them some points. Imagine that for a second. “Oh, please lead my fantasy players to victory, Curtis Painter!” I would kill myself, no questions asked. And yet, somehow they pulled of a comeback and snatched victory from the craw of your mother’s legs. Going into Monday night, Feisty Finger – banging away for her first win of the season – held a 14 point advantage over Kenny Britt’s Tits, with KB only having Freeman and Addai on Monday night. Well, Addai is a horrible football player, and I wouldn’t bank on Freeman scoring a ton of points but, BOOSH! Score he did with 18 to secure KB’s win. In similar fashion, Parole Models needed some help from the late games to win a high scoring affair against “I Touchdown There.” She got her wish when Beanie Wells stopped playing like he was still in the Big Ten and started playing like an NFL running back, scoring 23 points and beating Touchdown by one. A win is a win is a win, unless it’s over shitty competition, then it just feels like a moral defeat.
Overall Standings: We are finally at that stage of the year where the terrible teams are clearly terrible and the good teams are flexing their butt cheeks and making others jealous. AS YOU CAN SEE, PJD has the sexiest butt cheeks being flexed as I sit at a desired 4-0 on the season. However, not far behind is Tebow’s Bible Camp at 3-0-1, while in the other, worse, more shittier division, Parole Models is somehow the best in the division at 2-0-2, with a 3-1-0 team (defending champion Cheeseheads) right behind her. As you can see, I have created a monster of a league and I am very, very, sorry. This sucks.
However, I would like to take this time to commend the Rose Gardeners for continuing to engage and try in this league. While we haven’t heard a TON from him in the smack talk department, he has been active in the transactions, making moves as recently as October 1 (most recent in the league in fact!) despite his 0-3-1 record. WELL DONE, SIR. Same thing can be said for Feisty Fingers, who I have the feeling will relish her role of spoiler if she can’t get back into the playoff hunt the next couple of weeks. She’s like that.
Medal of the Week: This week’s medal was randomly awarded on the front page of the league to Nonpopulist Blog (Kenny Britt’s Tits) for his comeback win on Monday night. For those spectacular efforts, he won “COROLLA MR. CLUTCH,” sponsored by the official car of the PJD Fantasy Football League, Honda. …. Wat? Well, whatever, they’re not actually sponsoring shit anyway.
Fantasy Mailbag: There is no mailbag because no one sent me any questions about anything related to fantasy football, that included shit talking, or was a question about sex. NOTHING. Son, I disappoint. Maybe next week we’ll have an email, but I don’t blame you if we don’t. Email us HERE. We’ll respond to anything. AN. Y. THING.
Looking Ahead: Last week I predicted Tebow’s Camp would curb stomp Love Boat, which they successfully did, 60-38. For the year, this puts my predictions at 1-1-1, much like many of your records. Also, since there has been four weeks, why do I only have 3 predictions? I can’t do math. Anyway, this week I am going to make up for it by predicting TWO games. The first is the GAME OF THE CENTURY as PJD’s Shirtless Men (4-0) naked wrestle with Tebow’s Bible Camp (3-0-1) in a battle for division supremacy. Tebow’s got some strong pieces, noticeably in Laser Face Rivers, Andre Johnson, Fred Jackson, and Jermichael Finley, but Johnson is likely out with a hammy issue and Fred Jackson is playing a hungry Eagles team. On the other hand, PJD’s starting running backs are both on bye weeks …. but since Stephen Jackson and Felix Jones both suck monkey testicles, it may not matter. Going against my better judgement I am predicting that PJD pulls out a squeaker and keeps the unbeaten streak ALIVE! EAT CHEESE, DICK NOSE!
The other game of note is between Parole Models (2-0-2) and SHIVA BLASTER (2-1-1) in a hair pulling contest for the other division lead. Parole is lead by Purple Jesus, Chicago D, and Beanie Wells, while SHIVA rests his laurels on Romo, Welker, and Foster. SHIVA is also riddle with bye weeks, however, and Parole’s roster has been much more consistent overall. It’s a no brainer to predict she continues on with her division prominence and blasts SHIVA right in the mouth with her squirt.
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your matchup screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week five, you inbreds!