It finally happened. I finally messed up bad enough in fantasy football that I beat myself. I BEAT MYSELF. Is that clear, Love Boat Captain? Your 3-3 record is a LIE because I drank enough to forget to set my line-up easily Thursday through Sunday at about 1:00 PM. That’s why I started a Cardinals defense on a bye, and had to rely on two white running backs because I couldn’t add/drop players at that time. And yes, I loss.
Even so, my team of white player rejects and bye week defenses only lost by only four points. Conclusion? YOU’RE STILL ALL F*CKED. Given my full roster, I will be entering any and all challengers from behind without lube for the rest of the week. You bet your ass you have unleashed a fury of hellfire ne’er seen on this planet, AND YOU WILL ALL PAY! Starting with Parole Models. It’s on this week, Chicagoan.
Let’s get to the rest of this disaster of a week in this week’s break down:
Week Results: Yeah, yeah, finally the big, bad, undefeated bad ass lost. Big deal. Remember when the Patriots won every game but lost the one that matters the most?! YEAH! …. That doesn’t really apply, but I think you know what I meant. I don’t follow all of these games that closely over the weekend – I’m so carefree about it, that I in fact do not even set my own line-up! – but it looks like the games between Kenny Britt’s Tits and Percy’s, and Wilf’s and Tebow’s were both pretty close. Britt’s almost made an amazing come back thanks to 13 points from Robbie Gould against the Vikings (naturally) but fell just short. In the other game, Wilf was looking for a big game from Shanko in order to get back into the race but also fell just short. The other games were blow outs like a guido’s hair cut.
Biggest Blow Out: This week’s biggest blowout game came from Moose Knuckles and was delivered to Parole Models, to the tune of 70-48, a whopping 22 point deficit. That’s like the age difference between me and my former girlfriend! And I’m not even 30. Moose has A LOT of hand jobs to offer though, because like hell if he’ll ever get Ahmad Bradshaw to repeat that career day again, and something called Billy Cundiff to kick all those points through those uprights. Did anyone still know Billy Cundiff was still in the league, let alone playing for Baltimore? Not me. I thought it was still Hauschka-whose-his-tits. Whatever. At least you can hang your hat on this during the season and not have to rely on bragging about your 3-3 record. BOOSH!
Overall Standings: The standings are really starting to take shape. The bottom bitches are clearly Feisty Fingers and Rose Gardeners, which is totally fine, because each league needs to have an easy lay every once in a while. And even at 0-InfinitySymbol, both have been moderately interactive in this league, which speaks VOLUMES about how wonderful we all are. On the flip side, Cheeseheads – the reigning champion – has made a surprising burst to the top of the Allan Bangers division with a 5-1 record. That ties PJD’s Shirtless Men at 5-1, and is just ahead of Tebow’s Bible Camp at 4-1-1 and Parole at 3-1-2. The rest are a bunch of mush burgers right now, but the elite in the league just got REAL interesting.
I Touchdown There would also probably like me to point out that, despite him having the second highest points-for in the league at 399, he’s still holding down a retarded 2-4 record because of having the absolute highest points scored against in the league at 407. That’s pretty ridiculous, if we’re being honest, because the second highest points against for any other team is against Moose Knuckles with 368. FIX YO DEFENSE Touchdown. Except that’s not how fantasy works, but you get it.
Medal of the Week: This week’s auto-selected medal went to Wilf’s Stache for some odd reason, for a medal he won back in September for doing his job; winning a game. Screw that noise. I went and found a better one buried in the listings instead that belongs to Cheesehead, which is the TOYOTA TUNDRA LIGHTS OUT medal for starting the highest scoring defense this past week. That of course was …….. the New York Jets defense with 13 points? That’s it? This game sucks.
Fantasy Mailbag! We had an entry into the fantasy mailbag this week, courtesy of College Wolf:
- Hey, CW here. Just wondering if you let David Kaaaaaaaaahn create the fantasy football schedule for your league this year? Why do I play the highest scoring teams every week? Does Kahn know I can’t tank for a higher pick next year since it’s always a new draft?
Hhhmmmm … interesting theory, however, not true. Truth is I have no idea how this works out, but since you have the second highest points for and the highest points against, my advice would be to keep the ship steady and continue to play your best players. You’re 2-4, sitting right on the cusp of getting into the playoffs potentially, and just need to get to the dance, not be the hottest bitch there. Once there, you can blow your way to the top while playing the odds game. The law of averages says this will even out for you, so don’t sweat it.
Should you pick up Christian Ponder off of the waiver wire? No.
Looking Ahead: Last week I predicted Wilf’s would beat a bye-week riddled Tebow’s and I was … somehow … wrong. For the year that puts me at 3-2-1, still better than Chris Berman picking on Sunday Countdown likely, although I haven’t watched that show in years. For good reason, because it sucks you see. This week we’re going to turn things around and it’s going to start by checking out Cheeseheads and SHIVA BLASTER. Cheeseheads has been relying heavily on Tom Brady, who is on a bye week this week, and currently his two back up QBs are Jason Campbell (dead with a broken butt) and Kyle Orton (injured with shaven neck beard). This is predicting that his points take a heavy drop this week, enough for SHIVA to get in the game. But HE has Welker and Pats D on a bye. Will he be able to substitute those points easier than Cheesey replacing Brady’s? I say yes, and predict a SHIVA win, bring him to 4-2-1 and MAYBE into second place in the division. EXCITING!
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week seven, mother boy attendees!