After the lockout was lifted on Monday, sometime, everyone in the world (but probably more-so people actually involved in making real football decisions not just in Madden) prepared for what was expected to be a whirlwind of a free agency period that would leave people more confused than your mom waking up next to a bottle of chloroform and my finger prints around her neck. But I don’t know if anyone was ready for just how crazy (stupid?) it would actually be when Tuesday hit, just like your mom wasn’t ready for me to chloroform her and choke her. I choked your mom out. That’s the joke.
Truth is, nothing made sense on Tuesday. There were so many reports that I couldn’t tell if the team signed Tom Brady or lost Purple Jesus. Quite frankly, I didn’t even know that teams could start signing other teams’ free agents. I thought that couldn’t happen until like Friday or the 37th of Octember. But what do I know. So here, as best to my abilities, is a recap (with takes filled of HATE!) on all the happenings surrounding the Minnesota Vikings on Tuesday. If we missed something, chide us ruthlessly in the comments:
- TarVar Jumpass signed with the Seahawks somehow. He rejoins Darrell Bevell and will now compete with Charlie Whitehurst and Matt Lienart, Coach Pete Carroll’s love child. Things I do not understand about this move: Do the Seahawks play basketball? Why would they rush to sign a player that jumps so well? I know they don’t play an Olympic sport, either, so the long-jump is out of the question. Do they expect Travis to throw the ball actually? Down the field? To a receiver? That’s wearing the same jersey as him? Are they just wistful for the glory days of Seneca Wallace? Will the hipster bubble nuts in Seattle ever figure out how to spell TarVar’s name? I can’t wait to snap his ankle if we play them at some point. I still can’t believe this butt crack started a playoff game for us. The best part, possibly? His contract calls for 2 years, $8 Million. *PPFFTT!!* GTFO. That lucky knuckle dragger.
- There have been many rumors about Squid Rice. The Vikings have made moves to cut lots of dead weight salary off of their roster in a single day (more on that later, oh yes, oh yes) to potentially make room to re-sign Rice. Some people have said the Vikings are willing to push HARD (and HARDER!) to get Rice back on the team. The thought is if they are going to compete with a veteran or rookie QB, things will be just … really .. so much easier if there is a real receiver on the squad. However, those pricks in the Northwest in Seattle are rumored to also want Rice bad (and have the money to toss his way like PacMan at a strip club) as do the Rams. With Rice repped by sleaze ball Drew Rosenhaus, chances are good he bolts for the most money. Sure, go to Seattle. Ask Nate Burleson how well that worked out for him. *WINNAH!* As of late Tuesday night, it did sound like the Vikings were pushing hard against Seattle (like in a sweaty rape pit) to keep Rice in Minnesota instead of watching him go to where receivers die in the Pacific Northwest. Seriously. Burlseon, Deion Branch, TJ Who-yo-momma, you name ‘em. DON’T DO IT, SQUID!
- Speaking of wide receivers transferring teams, did you hear we signed former Bears wide receiver …. Devin …. Aru … Aromash … Aromashodu? Foshu my nuuuu ….? As a Twitter follower points out, he joins such vaunted former Bear receivers who became Vikings as D’Wayne Bates, Marcus Robinson and Bertrand Brandon. You know … some pretty high company. I fully expect great things for Devin. GREAT THINGS. Like a lawsuit.
- Jimmy Kennedy was cut Tuesday as well, clearly cap space for a free agency move and for some odd reason thinning out the middle of the defensive line in the season that will finally see Kevin (and possibly Pat?) Williams face a four game suspension to open the season. Awesome! Because the run defense was so good last year! … And because Jimmy Kennedy was like …. whatever … during his entire tenure with the Vikings. Actually, he has been like that his entire career, so I don’t know what I’m whining about. I guess I’m just not excited to see an opening day defensive line of #69, LeTroy Guion, that rookie from Iowa, and Mr. Cornrows. *Shoots self* Anyway, Kennedy had nothing but nice things to say about the Vikings and Vikings fans with this news, so hey, I’ll buy him a beer sometime.
- Rumors floated yesterday that a certain wide receiver had been dropped on the cutting block as well and … Jesus … I almost soiled myself. I got so excited. I thought it HAPPENED! I thought our long national nightmare was finally OVER! No more Brandons! But it doesn’t sound like it’s happened … YET. But by god it will. And when it does I will be so happy he is unemployed.
- Eric Weddle, former San Diego safety who apparently is not as horrible as our safeties which makes him a TOTAL upgrade, has been of keen interest to the Vikings very early on. Sure, a quarter of all the teams in the NFL have been linked to him, but at this point I’m totally believing that he’s going to sign with us and make us better. Also, did you know he was white? Or at least white-ish? Huh. A white safety. Not since the halcyon days of Brian Rus ….. Shit. Regardless, it sounding more and more like Mad Williams’ days are numbered as well, since the Vikings drafted a safety and are actively pursuing one in free agency. And, since Mad refused to restructure his contract that he already did once, it is becoming more likely that we’ll just cut his ass all together. WOO HOO!
- The big news to close out Tuesday was tiny nipple-bit reports of the Vikings heavily pursuing Donovan McNabb from the Redskins, McNabb agreeing to restructure a deal, and the Vikings willing to give up low draft picks and a two year contract to him. It’s all in HERE somewhere, which you can look at if you can get past the pissing fest. People seem amazingly confused by this prospect. Why wouldn’t we want McNabb? He’s nowhere near as bad as he was for half a season in Washington. His contract isn’t as high as you think, especially if he restructures. We trade for him to guarantee a starting quarterback week one instead of waiting until he’s cut at the end of August. This gives us zero competition to attain his services and gets him into camp, like, Monday, to start working with our players. Then, Pondexter gets to learn from a pretty damn good QB (come on, he is) for a couple years, the team gets to compete during Purple Jesus’ prime, we acquire long term stability and everyone is happy. NO I HATE THAT IDEA! Stupid fans.
- It took Pondexter 50 minutes to drive from his house to Winter Park today. He apparently lives only a few minutes away. He got lost. So much for that MBA.
- Percy Harvin was the first guy in the door on Tuesday, like a god damn BOSS. He apparently also lost some weight, did yoga all off-season, hasn’t had a migraine since his last bout during the season, and likely still smokes tons of weed. And I’m totally OK with that.
- There were lots of undrafted free agent signings. Nothing was too notable except Ryan Hill, a CB out of Miami sounds familiar, as does this Derrick Locke, a RB from Kentucky. See a full list HERE. Get excited, because they’re all getting cut.
And that’s just day one. Buckle in, my little lavender soaps, we’ve got some shirtless men to get to.