How to Gamble Away Your Life Savings for a Vikings Stadium

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My local casino of choice in the Twin Cities metro area is Treasure Island, Resort and Cassssiinnnnooooo!! … Largely just out of convenience. I don’t think I actually preferred it just for the tables or hotel rooms or whatever. My fondest memory is of course the night when I was wasting my precious nickles away and I heard a couple walk over my shoulder, pleading to each other, with the wife finally asking “You just spent our mortgage on a poker table??!” … It was pretty devastating. And clearly humorous because it wasn’t me doing that.

This all brings me to the new Vikings lottery game scratch tickets that were once again brought up as an option to help pay for a new Vikings stadium. Recent stories, like this particular one from Vikings.com, shed some light on how well the lottery tickets actually did in 2010, which was to the tune of netting the franchise a cool $12 million smackers that they’ll probably just waste on a player of\n’s caliber. However, there was once talk of the racino, gambling, casino money, and these lottery tickets all to help pay for a new Vikings stadium. With the success of the scratch lottery ticket, I saw let’s quite pussy footing around, go all Atlantic City on the NFL’s puckered assholes, and turn Minneapolis and Saint Paul into a Native American gambling haven.

And since I’m nice, here are some starting bets I would help those gambling addicts place:

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Years before the Vikings move to LA despite the gambling legislature passed to help pay for a new stadium:
I think this is a bet line that the casino’s could make a lot of money on. Hypothetically, we build them a new stadium, Frazier has four years to build up a roster like Childress, we still don’t win, and then Purple Jesus is cut at the age of 30-31, we are left with scraps for a roster, and only a nice new stadium to show for it. Will free agents come? Will we attract a Super Bowl? Will the NFL even be playing then? I’d put the over under on the Vikings jumping ship (pun!) starting in 2012 at 5.5 years. DO YOU TAKE THAT BET??!

Who will score the first offensive touchdown of the 2011 season: This would be a great money maker too for the casinos, because how the hell is anyone going to predict the first offensive touchdown? Sure, the safe money is on Purple Jesus because Leslie Frazier has said the team is going to run their offense through him, but once everyone drops their money on him you KNOW the casinos are going to nudge Frazier to call an end around with Percy, a tight end pass to Shiancoe, or just give the ball to Gerhart on a goal line stand to fuck with people. This bet is so attractive to fans though that it might just pay for a stadium itself.

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How many losses until Greg Coleman cries on the radio: Although we don’t know the exact schedule for the 2011 season yet, we do know we’ll be playing divisional games, the AFC West, the NFC South, the Cardinals and the Redskins again. I’d safe there’s a 70/30% chance they lose their first four to five games to start the season, and that’s right where I would put the over/under at for when Greg Coleman starts crying on the radio because another season of Vikings footall will be dashed before it even begins. Although, we’ll have to watch this one closely. Sounding merely suicidal on the radio in post game interviews doesn’t count, largely because that’s just what Coleman sounds like after a loss regardless. There needs to be actual tears.

What day will Ban be cut: This is a great bet because it can get this whole casino profit ball rolling, like, yesterday. Will the Vikings even wait until a new CBA is in place? Will they wait to see who they pick up in the NFL Draft to replace ? Maybe in free agency? Maybe later in the summer when veterans are cut to save wads of moola? Maybe right after training camp on the final roster cuts just to fuck with him? It’d be a HUGE pool that everyone could get in on because of our shared displeasure with this douche nozzle. GET THESE BETS MADE, IDIOTS!

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What percentage of games will Toby Gerhart be inactive for? This is, of course, assuming he even makes the team, but we’ll then find out if Toby was ever a Childress guy or a Frazier guy. Childress drafted him probably, but Frazier stuck by and played him hard when Purple Jesus took a nap on Cloud 9 during some games. Is he active for all 16 games next season? I find that almost impossible to believe. I’d set the over/under at 13.5, factoring in a late season collapse where he’ll probably get tons of garbage time. That’s a tricky line.

Record against NFC North opponents: Normally, you’d think we’d always go 50/50 against division opponents. At least, that’s what I assume for all non-playoff bound NFL teams in general. I mean, they’re all technically professionals at what they do and can probably beat any team they see twice in a season on any given day. But with the Vikings in 2011? Who knows! The Packers are Super Bowl champs, the Bears were in the NFC Championship game, and the Lions are an up and coming young team that on paper looks like they would drop a thumb in the purple’s assholes. Do the Vikings win one game? Two? It couldn’t possibly be four of six, could it? I’d set the over/under here at 2.5 and hold on to your butts. Either way, great way to make money for a stadium.

And I’m sure you got many more gambling lines that you can set for willing idiots to waste money on. If so, let’s hear them in the comments, and for the last god damn time, let’s just get a stadium built through money we could instead spend on school children, the homeless, and prostituted mothers. We’ll show them where our priorities lie!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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