I’d Let Purple Jesus Manage My Investments

There are fewer things more heart-warming in sports than watching douche bag athletes who are full of themselves and ultimately not very good (Freddie Mitchell? Double B?) make some quick money, fail spectacularly, build up an unsustainable lifestyle, and then let it all fall to the wayside while no one else will hire them because they suck balls. It’s small vindication for unathletic and poor schlubs like bloggers (mom’s basement joke here) that allows us – and fans in general – to think that for one moment those quasi-famous people aren’t really any better than us. Now you’re broke too, and likely have no discernible talent outside of being a hit-man for hire, because they only thing you majored in at college was “knocking the shit out of someone.” Or Communications. That’s totally a girl major though.

On the flip side of this, it’s awesomely refreshing to see genuinely good athletes make a bunch of money and spend it wisely without being a dick. Because they never offended the personal (and imaginary!) relationship I formed with them in my head, I totally feel like they are somehow more deserving of it then those OTHER athletes that I arbitrarily don’t like, so I congratulate them for it. People like Kevin Durant, Ken Griffey Jr., and even Pat Williams … good for you guys.

Most impressively however? Purple Jesus who, after signing his $36 Million guaranteed contract before the season started, apparently hasn’t bought anything with that money yet. Crazy, right?

Let’s get this out of the way first. If I were him, there is NO way I would show such restraint, largely because I’m not as good of a person as him. Strip club dances, a new Playstation 3, cars, tailored clothes, custom built computers, lavish dinners, Italian shoes, penis enlargements … you name it, I’d buy it. I’d blow through that cash quicker than LMFAO’s pop culture relevance. Purple Jesus? Not the case, as he told the Hot Clicks podcast recently:

  • “No, I actually haven’t purchased anything yet,” Peterson told Jimmy Traina on the Hot Clicks podcast. “Haven’t bought anything yet. I like to sit back and let my money grow, so I’m going to sit on it for a minute. Something might pop up that I want to purchase, it might be a good investment or something, I don’t know, we’ll see. As of now, I’m just watching it build up in my account. I gotta look out for my family … so I have to be smart about it.”

Who is this mystery man? He MUST be Jesus incarnate, again, because who else would show this restraint? Not Kluwe. You know he’d be out buying SO many video games and arcade machines with $36 Million. Percy? Pfft. WEED. Pondexter? He’d probably blow it all on new edition text books like a total nerd. No, not Purple Jesus. He’s going to put it all away, let it collect interest, maybe buy some bonds or something, purchase some land that will only go up in value, and create a savings account for his child’s college fund, and their child’s college fund, and their child’s child’s Intergalactic Space University fund. And that’ll just be pocket change. Amazing.

So if you ever needed a reason to like the guy even more, well here you go. Not only is he otherwordly on the football field, the best draft pick the Vikings have ever made, plays Assassin’s Creed like a boss, but he ALSO is a wise investor and fiscally responsible. He really appeals to my non-risk taking sensibilities. Also:


God I love Rich Raven.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.