Former player and Minnesota Vikings head coach from 1961 to 1966, Norman Van Brocklin has a unique view on the team. When you’re, like, 97 years old or whatever and dead you tend to have seen a lot of things in your time. Occasionally he’ll come by PJD to offer his insight and perspective in his own column aptly titled “Interviews with a Pepaw”. Today, discusses criticism new coach Leslie Frazier has received, how easy it is to coach players to a losing record, and why the fans should just shut their pie holes. Is he dead? Maybe. Does that mean he can’t actually talk? Whatever. But here he is.
“Let’s get one thing straight, you soggy bloomers, I’ve forgotten more sexual encounters with starlets than you’ve had you hand touch below your own waist line, so when I tell you something like ‘I’ll never forget how many loses I coached during my tenure as the Minnesota Vikings head honcho’ you bet your disrespecting butt cheeks that I remember and savor every single one of those damn things. And why? Because it was a great way to piss off all those fans in Minnesota thought they were deserving of a winning football team. NO! You were deserving of what you got, you ingrates, and don’t you forget it! That’s why I find this modern day hullabaloo over this darkie Frazier coach such bupkis. What, he started a season 1-4 and you people want to lynch him? … Are you all still doing that? … Either way, it’s poppycock! Back in my day I’d coach my team to a 1-4 record and we’d have parades down Nicollet Mall, mid-season, and you’d attend, god dammit!”
“Kids these days just don’t know when they have it good, even when it’s bad.”
“People think it’s hard to be a coach in the NFL, well I say phooey! Sure, maybe things have changed since 1974 when I finished coaching and decided playing around with other men was queerer than than Sonny Bono guy, but I doubt it. Coaches these days work their butt off for no god damn reason. They work through the summer, all season long, in the spring to draft and craft their rosters, PPFFTTTT! It’s a waste. Did it help the Vikings last year? NO! Did taking the summer off this year help this team? NO, AGAIN! They’re all still trying to hard to impress those harlots down on Hennepin Avenue. I say forget it! You want to know how to coach? I’ll give you a couple of secrets.”
“First, if you’re working more than five months out of the year you’re either a fool or a poor person, neither of which should be allowed to vote. Second, if your average work day as a coach lasts longer than two hours of yelling at people, then you’re less efficient than those assembly lines who take personality out of building a fine automobile. Third, coach less, drink more. And not only by yourself! Every wants to talk about building team rapport by going to the gay carnival and playing skee-ball, or singing Kumbaya like a native tribe or some shit. NO! Take your offensive line down to the VFW and tell them drinks are on the house. In no time they’ll be plastered faced and singing Bruce Channel “Hey Baby!” on the fancy karaoke machinery. You tell me, is there a better way to build cohesion between a group of men than going out on the town getting red faced and chasing skirts? I doubt it.”
“These tips will bring you success, in that you’ll have a solid career winning percentage of .398. Hey, if we were playing that pansy game baseball, that’d be a pretty good batting average, right? So why do you think you deserve anything better on football? You don’t, especially not you wine sippers in Minnesota that can’t watch a baseball game without sitting in your fancy limestone cathedral, poo-pooing on the homeless people next door. Reeeeaaaalll fan-like of you, you maggots. You deserve a shitting football team, in a shitty stadium, with shitty hot dogs that you’re forced to eat. At least that way you’ll be seeing what football should REALLY be played like; gruesome, ugly, and a hell of a good time.”
“No scram, I have to turn on the television to catch the newest episode of Benny Hill. Hehehe … I love that crazy guy!”