It Was a Slow Day at the Star Tribune

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Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Star Tribune getting sold to the city of Minneapolis for defaulting on payments, rent, or generally not making any money? I mean, newspapers are clearly going out of business because successful blogs like PJD are taking over the world, correct? And didn’t the lead Vikings writers (Judd Zulgad and Chip Scoggins) for the newspaper recently find jobs on the radio? Doesn’t all of this add up to the Star Tribune meaning a whole lot of fucking nothing?

The answer, if your too busy finding your pee-hole with your pinky, is yes, the Star Tribune is a waste of valuable internet space, and the trees they kill for their print editions can NEVER be born again. THINK ABOUT IT. This also means that if they start featuring sweaty armpit kids like Shawn Zobel to talk Vikings that you know they’re just trying to fill space. Unfortunately, they lost all credibility by doing just so. Fortunately, we now get to make fun of our favorite Jew-fro’ed jock sniffer.

Here are some key Q&As between … whatever lazy asshole decided to interview him … and Shawn Zobel, FUCKING EXPERT DRAFT ANALYST!

Q. Who are you projecting the Vikings will take at No. 12, knowing it’s subject to change?
A. As of right now, USC offensive tackle Tyron Smith is the most likely player that I believe that Vikings will take. Smith has a tremendous combination of size, strength, and athleticism and would be a great player for the Vikings to build around on the offensive line for the future.

What the fuck. This asshole is high as John David Booty. Let’s all remember this retarded statement when Tyron Smith goes undrafted and the Vikings maneuver to select Cam Newton. But wait! Listen to the rest of this brilliant analysis!

Q. Obviously, the Vikings would like to get a quarterback in the first two rounds. Do you think that’s realistic and is your feeling that they might trade up or down in the first round to do it?
A. I think that it is realistic. If I’m Minnesota, I take the best player available at No. 12 overall, then look to trade up from the second round to acquire a quarterback. I personally feel that Christian Ponder and Jake Locker are the two players that they’ll want to target. Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick are two other options. However, I’m not as high on them as others are.

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Q. In your opinion, how much does the lack of a third-round pick hurt the Vikings?
A. It hurts them because they now lack the ammunition to trade up for a player like Blaine Gabbert. To make such a deal, you’d be giving up half of your draft this year and the beginning of your draft next year. With 56 underclassmen, they could have really used that pick.

Oh shit, bitch, my boxers be getting all hard and shit because you be droppin’ that football knowledge, son! Except … wait … the Vikings should trade up in the second to get a quarterback …. but they don’t actually have the assets to do so because they don’t have a third round pick …. but it’s stil highly suggested they make these magical moves to get a QB. Get Dumbledore on the phone, Frazier, we’re about to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes! Shit, this is the exact some nonsense I’ve been writing for months now, and I spend more time masturbating into Styrofoam cups than this clitoris spends watching 20 year old men run around with their shirts off. Fucking buy my draft preview mag! They may all be a bust! Or maybe not!

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If you don’t know Shawn Zobel, you just got a little taste of that choad licker. The most important thing you need to know is that, after spending YEARS pimping himself to a 3 inch chub about how his mock draft has bested Mel Kiper and Todd McShay (big fucking deal with McShay … a retarded autistic cancer patient could predict a draft better), he got caught red handed cheating on his mock drafts. Infamous Rube Chatters over on the KFAN message boards found blog posts time stamped with his FINAL MOCK DRAFT! …. about a half hour after the draft had already begun. It was amazing how he got those first handful of picks right … And now he thinks he’s a draft expert. Instead, he’s a cock muffin who goes to Saint Thomas on his parents dollar and likes to quote famous athletes like Bryant McKinnie in saying “the doubters only make me stronger, yo.” No, the doubters go on to Urban Dictionary and create entries based on every fucking mistake you’ve made in your life. Oh shit, you’ve been Zobeled!

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How about just stop fucking cheating and we’ll call it even. Fucking love Shawn Zobel. He always makes me feel better about myself. Anyway, if you want to read more of his queef-core writing, it’s out there. You’ll probably have to pay for it though, because he’s not nearly as cool as PJD is. If you need a good laugh, go check out the comments over on the Trib article, as well. There are some gems like this:

“Judd when are you going to do some actual work and find out what the talk behind the scenes with people in the know? Like people who actually have Vikings connections and NFL connections and not guys who work out of their parents basements?”

Boom, fire-roasted.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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