On Monday afternoon an official announcement of Leslie Frazier becoming the next Minnesota Vikings head coach was made, ending the speculation that many assumed to be true. The move was revered by many as a shrewd, heady, Jewish decision by owner Zygi Wilf, who certainly appeared happy with Frazier’s promotion. Yet many fans were left skeptical hippo after Frazier’s squad finished his six week trail Head Coaching period at 3-3, including embarrassing blow out losses. But in Frazier’s unedited and super legit press conference transcript, he may have converted some nonbelievers …
Leslie Frazier: I want to, THANK, all of you for coming out and welcoming me as the newest head coach of, THE, Minnesota Vikings. It’s truly an honor, and my family and I feel very, BLESSED. I know you all probably have a lot of questions, so let’s start with you, Skeptical Hippo.
Skeptical Hippo: Thanks for taking my question, Leslie. And congrats by the way. I have to be honest though, us fans are plenty skeptical right now about where this organization is heading. Many questions abound. Many questions. One of those is an offensive scheme moving forward. I know you probably don’t want to tie yourself to any one thing right here, right now, but speak a bit if you can about what you’d like to do as an offense.
LF: We want to be able to feature the No. 1 running back in the National Football League, Purple Jesus, there’s no question about that in my mind, and then be able to utilize the, TREMENDOUS, talent we have on the outside. We want to be a run-first team and be able to set up things off our run game. On defense, same deal; get back to being a top run defense. If we can do that, dominate the line of scrimmage on both sides, we’re heading in the right direction from an offensive and defensive standpoint. Then just being aggressive on special teams, being able to take it to people and out-physical them. Our mantra’s not a whole lot different than it was six weeks ago when I took over this role: stop the run, run the football, don’t turn the football over, take the football away. That’s what we want to be able to do.
SK: Hm. Interesting. This pleases me as a skeptical hippo, Coach Frazier, BUT I AM NOT CONVINCED. We all know this team is full of drama queens positioning for a new contract, celebrating themselves at a parade in their home towns, and generally trying to empty their own man seed into their mouth. Will you TOLERATE any of that preferential treatment out of your players now, Coach Frazier, WILL YOU?!
LS: When I talked with our team this morning I talked about something similar to what you just mentioned. We really want to be all-inclusive. We want to be team-first. That means some guys are going to have to sacrifice some things this offseason to be a part of the team. I’m hoping that the things we talked about this morning, guys won’t renege on those. I think it’s important for our future success, but our offseason program, our offseason training is extremely important.
SK: (Taps pen on paper after scribbling notes) Hm. Very interesting indeed. FINAL QUESTION COACH FRAZIER. Will you be asking the worst human being on to ever grace the planet to rejoing this storied franchise next season, and yes, I mean Brett Favre and not Ashton Kutcher.
LS: I cannot think of any circumstance where I would pick up the phone and say, ‘Brett, do you want to come back next season?’ I cannot think of any circumstance where that would occur, at all.
SK: This pleases me. Thank you for your answers, Coach, and best of luck in the future.