Alright, enough is enough. Football playing is over but with the offseason comes wild speculation and second guessing of franchise movements, starting with the NFL Draft. We’re a mere two months or so away from said draft and with this being a Vikings blog that produces at minimum only five posts a week, we need to get cracking on breaking down the potential draft selections. Nay … we NEED to start making fun of 20-24 year old kids that could beat the ever loving shit out of my face and who will all eminently make more money than I will ever beg for. BECAUSE IT’S OUR RIGHTS AS AMERICANS!!
But I’m not just going to drop this shit on you without warning. Here is how the 2011 draft previews are going to work:
We Welcome Back Capital J: If you don’t know, Capital J is a widely regarded intellectual of scouting and training camp knowledge in the Vikings community. He’s also not a shit head (to my knowledge) which means that I’m willing to work with him on draft previews, team needs, and training camp items. This year, we’ll plan on taking a week by week approach (starting whenever we decided to, fatty) to break down team needs, project player pick positions, and give you names to watch for that could fit with what the Vikings look like they’ll be doing offensively and defensively. I’d tell you to go check out his blog, but he hasn’t updated it in like a year, but you should go give him some website hits anyway and welcome him back into the fold. Instead, follow him on Twitter. He’s pretty active there. And full of anger! He must really follow Minnesota sports teams …
You’re All Going to Get Zobeled: If you don’t know, Shawn Zobel is a Jew-fro’d jack off that, as far as I’ve followed, started his NFL Draft Previewing on the KFAN Rube Chat message boards. He kept on jackin’ it to himself for having picked the most accurate first round of the NFL Draft, over Mel Kiper, McShay, and all the other national assholes ….. Except that through some internet sleuthing it was actually discovered that his final mock results that he posted and went off of were actually time stamped to his blog like an hour after the first round ended of some shit. OOPS! Since then, he’s went and had an interview on the Star Tribune where he’s sounded like a self entitled dildo, and will take any chance he gets to tell the haters that they just don’t understand him.
Anyway, I found out the other day that someone created a term on Urban Dictionary called “Zobeled“, where you make an utter ass out of yourself and lose all credibility (“Zobel” is on there too, and also accurate for him). I figured, “Hey, I can make an ass out of my readers by making them read your rhetoric bullshit!” so we’re going to Zobel everyone by utilizing his player analysis, draft insights, and other BS from his Draft Preiview website which I refuse to link to, then make fun of them so we can all enjoy how stupid he is. HURRAY!
I Bring You Sub-par College Football Knowledge: Unlike Zobel, I actually watch college football because I enjoy it, not because I’m trying to scribble notes in a book for my best selling (three copies last year!) draft preview. I will offer that perspective in collaboration with Capital J’s willing takes and Zobel’s unsuspecting ones, then also sprinkle in bits and pieces I pick up from college messages boards, like how Ryan Mallett has a coke problem, Cam Newton steals computers, and Prince Amukamara has sisters named Precious and Princess. You know, useful information.
Then We Talk About Players Who We’ll Eventually Hate (Like Troy Williamson): Because let’s face it … As fans we’re pretty jacked up about these players for all of four weeks, and then they see the field, we realize they’re not NFL ready, think they suck, and want to look towards the 2012 draft. So, as a community, let’s always put our hating hats on and make sure we build up enough vinegar to really weed out the shitty draft picks and make sure we can praise the good ones … Like Purple Jesus.
Finally, any other suggestions you have that you’d like to see in player previews, team needs, or otherwise, drop them in the comments. These could include stadium questions, whether we should look at more scotches to drink, what local colleges we should scour for cheerleading talent, and whatever else your heart decides. Don’t hold back! And welcome to the offseason.