PJD’s Masturbatory NFL Draft Preview: It’s Football, Kinda!

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Hurray Football! … Kind of:
Hey guys look! Football is back! Lookit here! We have hidden cameras in team facility “war rooms”, logos, newly drafted players holding up team jerseys with colors, logos and more! The saint, Roger Goodell, welcoming players and standing as the beacon of all things wonderful and red haired (right?) in professional sports! We got DRAMA! PRIMETIME ACTION! And Jets fans booing! It’s just like watching football during the season! … Except of course it’s not, and this is probably just the greatest cock tease in the history of the NFL. Here’s what’s really happening:

1. Look at players who may not get to play this year.
2. Get your hopes up after your team had a successful draft when THEY MAY NOT EVEN PLAY THIS YEAR.
3. You, drinking a lot, for no other reason than because you kind of need to sit in front of a TV for a while.

Well, that’s actually a pretty good reason to enjoy the draft. So kick back, scowl at the NFL for moving the opening round to a stupid Thursday night preventing you from getting black out drunk because of work on Friday, and let’s talk DRAFT STUFF!

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Shut Up and Tell Me Who the Vikings Pick Already:
Well, I don’t really know, and obviously no one really knows until it happens. Weird! You can’t predict the future! That’s why mock drafts are retarded, Shawn Zobel. Despite the future being impossible to predict unless you’re Biff Tannen, we can make several educated guesses about WHO the Vikings are looking at if they end up staying at the number 12 pick. Rumors have been circulating around quarterbacks, naturally, because the Vikings haven’t had anyone under the age of 35 man the position regularly since Daunte Culpepper. Names popping up here are Jake Locker (way too high at 12), Blaine Gabbert (will be an Indian-Skin at pick 10), and Ryan Mallett (I FUCKING LOVE COKE!). I hate all those draft picks, so I hope the team goes the other route the rumors have been going, mainly some type of linemen. Da’Quan Bowers, once considered an easy first pick of the draft, has been predicted to drop to the Vikings with the team being interested. Other names include the guy from Wisconsin, some whitey from Purdue, and the Pouncey dude from Florida who kissed his own brother last draft day. Ick. If you’re a dreamer, you could also hold out hope that Julio Jones falls to the Vikings and that they nab him, but let’s not go fluffing each others nuts quite yet. So keep an ear turned towards these names tonight, and if any of them are picked I TOTALLY CALLED IT GAIS!

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The Draft Drinking Game:
The drafts popularity has clearly risen exponentially to the point that it’s largely a caricature of itself. There are draft memes that pop up every year, and it is inevitable that they are always referenced. In fact, you might as well go ahead and do the draft day/night drinking game by keeping an eye out for these tried and true occurrences that will always pop up:

1. Hey, remember how the Vikings forgot to pick in their spot and ONLY were able to land Kevin Williams? Yeah, fuck off.
2. Boy, that Ryan Leaf sure was a bust, huh!?!
3. Oh Jets fans, they won’t like ANY of their picks!
4. Wasn’t it just HORRIBLE to watch Aaron Rodgers sit in the draft room waiting for his name to be called??
5. Goodness, those Packers sure know how to build through the draft!
6. Hahaha, look at Mel Kiper’s hair! It sure is different! OOO! Now let’s look at his highlight reel!

Jesus … On second thought, I’m starting to hate the draft.

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Draft Coverage Always Sucks:
And this is a large reason why. To preface this section, let it be known that I am a poor person compared to the top 10% of the world so I do not have access to NFL Network or the ability to attend the draft in person. Therefore, I am stuck with coverage from ESPN, which is just the god damn worse. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to bring in Chris Berman to MC this piece of shit for 30 hours, but I want that person shot in the liver. I want Tom Jackson to speak, Mel Kiper, the College Gameday guys and THAT’S FUCKING IT. No Keyshawn, Carter, cancer eye Stuart Scott, Scott Van Pelt, other asshole ESPN personalities or anything. God, and especially Todd McShay. I mean, are you serious? Todd McShay makes Shawn Zobel look like a Greek Adonis. I have never seen, heard, or suffered through worse analysis and smugness. HE’S SO SMUG! Fuck. If you’re lucky enough to get to watch the draft coverage on the NFL Network you better make sure you say your prayers every single night. You are so damn lucky.

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Meme of the Week: Yes! It’s the return of the meme! I’m not going to explain this to you, but I saw this one recently and thought it was funny. This is from one of my favorite memes, however, which I call Punny Raccoon. It might just be Pun Raccoon or something, but you get the idea. Classic.

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/jim-beam.jpgDrink of the Draft: Long time readers on this site know we usually provide a scotch of the week in these masturbatory previews. I do love scotch, don’t get me wrong, but I will say lately I have been on a Jim Beam kick in the house, largely paired with Coke Zero. Yes, Coke Zero. Diet Coke tastes like musty butthole and regular Coke creates a sugar imbalance in my delicate system. But Beam and Cokes is where it’s at. I’d drink those all day long if it wouldn’t make me such an obvious alcoholic. I would instead highly recommend them for any type of dessert after dinner. It’s like a sweet, boozy lollipop that you drink and it does wonders. Sure, you can substitute out Jack of some kind or get one of them fancy Whiskeys, but chances are if you’re doing that you are also watching the NFL Network. Clearly we’ve established I’m not, so pick your own poison.

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Obnoxious Prognostication: So what’s really going to happen? I have a haunting suspicion that all the talk about the Vikings wanting to trade back in the draft will actually happen. I don’t know how FAR they’ll trade, or even who would find the #12 pick appealing, but I think that unless one of the top five guys falls to number 12, they’re not going to find the right balance between what they perceive as value and need. This, of course, is fucking stupid. If there is a stud player at 12 that you don’t really need, you still probably take him. It makes your team better, and this team is terrible. But no, we couldn’t be that lucky. Instead, the Vikings will trade back to the late first while obtaining their highly desired third round pick back, nab a boring ass linemen or something in the first, Christian Ponder in the high second, and then roll the dice on some cornerback in the third. After that it’s just scrub picks. I blame this all on Rick Spielman, so join me, won’t you?

Enjoy the draft everyone. It may be the closest thing we get to “football” for, like, ten months or something. We’ll be back tomorrow to fawn over the young man we chose at the auction. *Modern Day Slavery*

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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