Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game 11 Review: Losing for Draft Picks

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Just a nice, solid, loss: Yes, PERFECT, you guys, that’s EXACTLY how it’s done. You let the opposing team shut you out going into half time. Great work, totally a Vikings move. Then you let them get a nice, totally impossible to overcome, 17 point lead on you with your best player not in the game. AMAZING! There is no way you are scoring more than 17 points, so game lost already. Good, good. Then, you give them a bit of a scare in the second half only to allow them to pull away for a smaller than expected 10 point win over your historically bad team. This is how you do it! It’s perfect! You get Pondexter some experience, you have him connect with Harvin in a variety of ways to build his confidence and their rapport for next year (you know, when this whole purple mess matters again), and everyone scores a “moral victory” while not sacrificing any draft pick positioning. My god … If I didn’t know you had two wins already, I’d be calling you the 2011 Colts! But you’re not. Because then you’d be in position to draft Andrew Luck and stop screwing this franchise. As is, we are still looking good for a top five draft pick, and a number one receiver or left tackle for the next decade. EVEN BETTER!

It’s almost so perfect I’m wondering how the Vikings have been able to continue to pull off this display of ineptitude. I’m really proud of them. *sniff*

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Well, I was excited to have Benny Sapp back on this team for about two minutes. Then this game happened. Do we blame his terrible play on being unfamiliar with the defensive scheme? I mean, he didn’t play in it for only a year, but prior to that, he DID play in it for two. What’s the rule on football players forgetting shit? What’s a playbooks shelf life in a player’s brain? Not like Ponder or Matt Birk’s brain, because those guys are book nerds, but I mean like an athletic, potentially good football player. Six months? 12? I have no idea. Whatever it is, it was long enough for Benny Sapp to forget everything he knew about “just don’t let that god damn receiver score all over your ass, you jackalope.” Even so? My god, he’s so much better than Asher Allen. The lack of talent in the defensive backfield is just amazing.

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Let us get high for a moment: Percy Harvin is a bad ass. We all know this. Indisputable. However, it just kills me to see him get wasted on a team as retarded as the Vikings. Remember when we drafted him? Remember all the chatter abotu Bill Belichick wanting to draft him to the Patriots? COULD YOU IMAGINE HARVIN ON THAT PATRIOTS??!! Good lord, he would be unstoppable. He’d be like Wes Welker, but better times SEC speed. New England would also know how to use him in amazing ways. Shit, they would INVENT an entirely new offense for him like they have with their tight ends just to properly get him the ball. He’d be quarterback, receiver, running back, full back, and defensive back too. Then the Pats could cut weird, short white guys like Julian Edelman and Danny Woodhead. I mean, novelty white guys are fine and all on your football team, but when you can replace them with legit football players who could score touchdowns from anywhere on the field (and run 104-yards and somehow not score a touchdown), you do it in an instant. I almost feel bad for Harvin, but won’t complain about him on my team. I just wish he’d have a smarter offensive coordinator.

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Our coaching staff is full of bipolar children: It feels like it was about 25 seasons ago, but it was only the first three games of the season when the Vikings had legit half time leads of a good football team and somehow managed to blow them like a starving hooker looking for alley food. Think about that – This team was consistently putting up 20+ points easily each week. I have no idea how. But now they can’t. Instead, they are dropping goose eggs in the first two quarters and then making a roaring come back – on both sides of the ball, mind you – only to, again, fall short. It’s an odd occurrence. I would guess it largely has to do now with Ponder getting into a rhythm only by the second half, but also seems to indicate the coaches being willing to make some half time adjustments, which they didn’t seem to be doing while McFlab started. Also, it indicated Donovan was fat as shit and totally out of shape by the third quarter, and couldn’t sustain a lead. What a dick. Maybe by next year this will all even out for us. But I doubt it.

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You bet your ass we have a losing season notes:

  • Jared Allen gets some props for stepping in as long snapper on Sunday. He must feel like this team is the gayest circus since Carnivale with how much he’s having to do. When they showed the close up of him snapping on the first extra point attempt after the touchdown, he looked both bemused and pissed off all at the same time. And I’m pretty sure he punched some dude in the nuts, almost instinctively. Good for him.
  • However, he also didn’t have a sack this game, nor last. That sack record? Wouldn’t worry about it anymore.
  • If we’re all being honest with each other, that 39-yard touchdown pass on fourth down was stupid, Frazier luck.
  • Speaking of Frazier, that fourth down call on the goal line was also stupid, but lacked the luck. It was just stupid. Take the points and see where that gets ya. God, I hate our coaches
  • I’m convinced that Tyrell faked his injury just to get himself off the field to prevent further damage to his ego (not really). I mean, it DOES sound pretty believable.
  • I didn’t even look, but did Toby do a touchdown dance? I would have loved it if he would have given an “Aw, shucks” type of reaction. Just a total white guy.
  • Somehow, Chad Greenway led the team in tackles again. I know he continues to do this year in and year out, but I honestly do not know how. Five of them were listed as assisted, so maybe he just dives on the pile late and cheerleads the team like, “Yeah guys, I totally helped on that one!” Other than that, I have no idea.
  • How about Allen Reisner making his debut with a big time catch? Good for him. Now back to the practice squad next week!
  • I am just STUNNED that Marcus Sherels plays significant time on this team. I hate that fact.

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A Viking haiku:

When it gets this rough,
You forget all your troubles
And maniac dance!

Well, get ready to choke on a holy peen this week, because Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos are coming to town to shit all over us. As if having a 2-9 record wasn’t bad enough, now we’re going to get to hear about this blowhard all week too. It’ll be Purple Jesus (hopefully) versus Fake Jesus! Circus uniform versus circus uniform! Who can suck more?! Tune in and find out and then shoot yourself in the face, all next week!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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