Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game 12 Review: Getting Forgiven for our Sins

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That’s what happened, right? That’s the only reason I can think of why Joe Webb was called for a lazy and stupid pass interference call. The refs were just helping the Vikings – the players, the fans, maybe even the entire state! – wash their sins away with a Tebow win so that we could hit rock bottom. Once there, we can only go up! Draft picks, division wins, Super Bowls, strippers who will do ANYthing, guys, it gets better. And if I can promise you all of those things but ONLY if it is because Tim Tebow gets to beat us in a meaningless game? Eh, I’ll let it happen. Who cares. I likely would have been more upset if the Vikings would have actually won against the Broncos on Sunday. Going to 3-9 would have dropped our draft pick all the way to sixth. SIXTH! I don’t even think anyone good would have been left then! No, this team is so bad we need to make sure we stay in the top three. That ensures Luck, Kalil, or Blackmon. One of those three or bust. And, we have some trap games coming up (But see, I use trap game in the opposite way that others use the term, where I mean that it’s a trap game if we win when we really want to lose, because sucking is the only way to win in this bizarro world I have created in my head). The Redskins are still on the horizon, as is a Bears team that has lost Cutler, Forte, and pretty much packed it in for the season as well. Crap! That could be two more wins for a total of four! If we would have won THIS game and went to five?! Game over man, game over. That’s why I’m glad we lost, glad that people are still buying the Tebow hype, especially when that team is going to get trounced by a team who has a quarterback that has actually had his penis in a woman before (See: the Steelers, Patriots, maybe Ravens but not sure on that one). I will enjoy that game. Until then, you’re still a piece of shit, Tim.

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: I hate to do it, but this poop stamp goes to the rook this week. His interceptions were more crippling than staring into Medusa’s face, and his fumble was positively Culpepper-esque. It’s too bad, too, since he also had a career day almost across the board. He set rookie records in yards, attempts, and completions, but unfortunately it didn’t matter. It was directly because of him that the Broncos were able to put up 10 points, and in a game that ended up being really as stupid as it did, those 10 points made a huge difference. And, then he hurt his hip, too. What a shitty day for the kid, right? Luckily, hopefully, these are mostly just your typical rookie mistakes. We’re all keeping our fingers crossed that by year’s end he’s not still telegraphing his passes like Magellan looking for land, and fumbling around with the football like a catholic schoolgirl. If he can make those improvements – and if the coaching staff can get him some support on the offensive line and at wide receiver (and cornerback, defensive tackle, linebacker, safety, ball boy, nutritionist, etc. …) – 2012 might be a different story for all of us. As it is for now, your punishment is to take your shirt off, Ponder, so get to it. However, I will say in Ponder’s defense that he played through his hip injury like a baus, and that he took responsibility for the loss like a MAN. I can respect that, and I bet the guys who are worth a shit in the locker room respect that too. So good for him.

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F*ck you so hard, Tebow: Is there anything worse in the world than seeing Tim Tebow make a completely average play by NFL standards and then see him convulse his body in celebration like Michael J. Fox for doing something so mundane? Get, the, f*ck, over, yourself you piece of shit. I don’t know how or why this team keeps winning with Tebow at the helm (actually, yes I do, it’s called their defense and Brad Johnson and Trent Dilfer want their shtick back), all I know is that when the Broncos finally fail, it’s going to be god damn spectacular. And fail they will. I’m sorry, but this is the NFL. This isn’t some kitschy college football bullshit. You can’t get away with being a cute little prancer for your entire career. Coaches like Bill Belichek, Sean Peyton, and Mike Tomlin will shit all over Tebow antics. When their defense can’t keep them in games, he’s going to get made to look like the biggest bitch since the last airing of Sex in the City 2. Am I a bitch for wishing horrible things upon Tebow and the Broncos? I don’t know. Was it bad that I was filled with child-like glee when he got his shit rocked in college? Probably, so I already know my answer. Either way, knock it off, Tebow, and you too, announcers. “Have you ever seen a football players eyes so passionate and excited before?!” Yeah, Billick, I f*cking have. Like every weekend, when every football player ever played the game of football or had a big play. What the hell, morons.

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F*ck yeah so hard, Harvin: I have this horrible nightmare that one day Percy Harvin is going to wake up and be like “Holy shit, why am I wasting my time in Minnesota? Send me to New England or Pittsburgh. Enough with this nonsense.” Then we will have wasted a large chunk of his career and have no physical embodiment of SWAG on our football team. Then, we’re just filled with a bunch of white skill position players and Devin Aromashadu. Yikes. Harvin was, again, outstanding on Sunday. While he didn’t surprise Denver with any trickeration (No big reverses, secret runs, or read-option passes), what he did may have been even more encouraging; he played the wide receiver position like a bat out of hell. That’s how he should play it every week. And could you imagine if we had him paired with Blackmon? *blows loads* He goes deep, Harvin cuts shallow, snatches ball, and takes it after the catch for an additional 50 yards. It makes me FURIOUS that we have an offensive staff with porridge for brains instead of someone who knows how to get Percy in space so he can be effective. Just as I pray Purple Jesus will lead us to the promised land, I also pray that we bring in a coach who can properly use Harvin some day. If nothing more, than for his own sake.

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Notes for losers: What else happened at this tampon party?

  • It sounded like there were a lot of Denver fans at the game. That is embarrassing, even for a 2-10 team. If you sold your ticket to a Broncos fan, FOR SHAME. However, there is zero chance I would have bought them, so also kudos for turning a profit.
  • Call me crazy, but I like having Sage Rosenfels on this team. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Ponder has a career day as soon as McFatty is cut and Lolsencopter returns to the sidelines? Think about that one for a second.
  • I’m also glad he got his #18 back. It’s never too soon to forget how Sidney Rice screwed us raw dog style.
  • Did Everson Griffen play? I honestly don’t remember at all.
  • We have too many Burton’s on this team now. However, if I had to make a judgement call based solely off of first impressions, I would give the approval edge right now to the WR Stephen Burton (WRB) instead of CB Brandon Burton (CBB). WRB had a very solid catch, and CBB had a couple of critical coverage break downs. The only thing that I don’t like so far about WRB is his #11. I kept thinking it was Jaymar Johnson.
  • I don’t know if it was the offensive line, the Broncos’ defensive line, or Toby Gerhart, but he ran … fine … today. And that should be considered as a compliment, really.
  • I’m pretty sure Mistral Raymond isn’t the answer at safety. Pretty sure.
  • I DO think I would give Ryan D’Imperio a life-time contract though. His block on Harvin’s touchdown was PHENOMENAL, and he made several nice blocks on long runs throughout the day. I would love to see what the combination of him and Purple Jesus could do behind a competent offensive line.
  • The coaching was maybe better today? At least the challenge calls. Except both calls were crap calls on the field, and so I’m pissed the refs made us use them to begin with. Whatever. 
  • If the coaching staff ever decides they want to use their second round pick, Kyle Rudolph, effectively, that’d be pretty awesome. He seems like he’d be a great asset to do important things like get first downs, gain yardage, or score points too. That, and his hands seem big enough that he’d give great handy’s in the park, but that’s pure speculation, you guys.
  • Anyone else notice that we didn’t get penalized for trying to take two timeouts in a row? The conversation then starts … could Favre had done that in the 2009 NFC Championship game and we would have been allowed to take it, thus no 12-man on the field, and we stay in field goal range? I hate my life.

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Haiku for Morons:
Answer honestly,
Can you say you’ve ever seen
So many virgins?

Well, not bad gang. Overall we lost a game we could have won, which serves the best of both worlds. We keep our draft positioning but gain valuable experience and confidence. Also, these are the type of losses that shouldn’t happen consistently year-to-year, so when we win this game’s equivalent next season, it’ll make our record look even better. On to the next, which happens to be a Lions re-match at Ford Field next week. If you got Matthew Stafford on your fantasy team during next week’s first round of the playoffs, start his ass a million times over. It’s going to be a classic blood bath. Looking forward to it.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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