Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game 13 Review: Excuses for Hip-Sters

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“I’ll take questions now.”

“Christian, after you and your team loss to the Lions on Sunday, 34-28, were you looking for any excuses as to why the game turned out the way it did? Can you offer us any insight into why your performance today was the way it was?”

“Oh yeah, it totally was my hip and everything, you know? I mean, I’m not going to sugar coat anything here and tell you that I’m not smart enough to play the quarterback position. You guys have seen me play, you know my history. I have two Master’s degrees, for god’s sake. I’m a genius. But it’s just that, man … my hip was really hurting. Really. It uh … It made it hard to really drive into my throws and get them to the receivers with all the strength I needed to, so that’s probably why the ball got picked off so many times. Because of my hip, and stuff. I’m not going to get into all of the physics and science behind it, because I do know it all and could totally share it with you if I really wanted to, but you’ll just have to trust me on this one. It was a really humdinger out there that interfered with my play.”

“Christian, one more question, over here … If that was the case, why were your three interceptions almost all identical? You threw the same interceptions all three times. I’m no scientist, but that’s not a hip thing, that seems like a mental error.”

“Yeah, you’re clearly not a scientist. I pretty much am, and you just have to trust me on this one. It was the hip which dictated which receivers I threw it to – or tried to throw it to – and where the ball went, which was frequently to the Lions. But I’m so smart I already figured out how to go to the future for next week and prevent this from happening, so don’t worry about it, OK? I got this.”

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Wow, so, Pondexter sucked Tebow balls on Sunday. He was almost directly responsible for 21 of the Lions 34 points, which clearly put the team behind the eight ball (I’m not actually sure what that means), and made it immensely difficult for the team to try and claw their way back. And yet, they almost did, even with Ponder behind center. He did throw two TDs on the day, which helped start the rally, and he did have a 60.7 QB rating … which I guess I don’t even know if that’s good or not. His completion percentage was like 52% on the day, which is bad, and it’s not like the Lions even had that great of a defense in throughout the day. Two of their best defensive tackles were out for the day, their defensive backfield was decimated, and the Lions kept on crapping all over their own chests with penalties and stupid plays. Doesn’t matter. Ponder still looked like he just wanted to cry by games end, and I don’t blame he. “I should have been a second round pick!” he was thinking. Poor bastard.

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Face-Mask Gate: Speaking of penalties, I’ve never been more furious with one than I have been at the end-of-game, non-call on that facemask. Absolute BULLSHIT. Levy literally almost ripped Webb’s head off on that damn play, and yet somehow there wasn’t a SINGLE referee in sight on that play? Really? What were you cock suckers looking at, the shit hole dying city that is Detroit? Come on. Make the call and give the Vikings a chance to beat themselves again on another crappy offensive play call! They almost did it the first time, at least let it happen properly and give them a second chance to prove their ineptitude. Joe Webb under center? On the last play of the game? When you’re just going to call a fade to a rookie tight end? God I hate you so much, you bitch titted Bill Musgrave. And then that prick Levy on the Lions had this to say about the penalty after the game:

  • “We get a lot of calls called against us,” the Lions linebacker said. “So, they owed us one if I did.”

You piece of shit. You get tons of penalties called against you and your team because you’re undisciplined brats. That’s it. I use to enjoy the Lions but Schwartz and this peen licker are starting to turn the tables. I hope the Cardinals knock you out of the playoffs on the last pass of a game. Choke on it.

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Turd Notes for Turd Heads:
So much ridiculous crap happened in this crap game, that it’s time we drop this turd and stink up the joint:

  • If one person starts talking about how Joe Webb should be the future QB for the Vikings, I hope your first born gets hit by a bus. Webb throws passes like Donovan McNabb and runs a game winning play like Dan Orlovsky. Knock it off.
  • However, that 70+ yard run was pretty sweet. Maybe we could just use Webb like we use Harvin? I’m sorry, like we use Harvin when Purple Jesus is inactive, because otherwise we don’t know how to use him.
  • Speaking of Harvin, I figured it out: In the Vikings offense, he’s like your brain, where you only use about 10% of it’s potential.
  • Cedric Griffin got benched because he sucked. He recently said he’s been playing fine. I beg to differ, and so do the coaches. We need to be blowing up that defensive backfield next year, and I don’t mean just new players. I mean taking dynamite to their houses and killing them to prevent them all from coming back to the team in 2012.
  • For 12 games this year, I forgot Lorenzo Booker was even on this team. In one game, he reminded me who he was and reminded me that he should be visiting the unemployment line soon. What a terrible game for that guy.
  • I was actually surprised by the performance of the defensive line this game. They did hold the Lions under 100 yards rushing and racked up five sacks. Part of that was Stafford flapping his bitch tits around thinking he was in a rap video for 10 seconds each play, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ll take it to pad our defensive stats any way we can get ‘em.
  • Chad Greenway once again led the team in tackles. I don’t know how this guy does it. He’s literally the most uninspiring defensive player we have getting paid way too much. I swear I see him diving on the piles last second every time and they just give him the tackle. That’s bull shit.
  • The end results was about as good as we could ask for, however. We lost the game, but showed some panache in coming back and almost pulled out a win. Luckily, Ponder

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Loser Haiku:

“I can’t believe it,
I’m surrounded by assholes.”
- Big Leslie; Sunday.

Perspective, fellas, perspective! We lost and are still projected for the number two draft pick! How fantastic is that?! We are going to get an awesome football player there, and likely at the top of the second round, too! It will make all of this crap season worth it, trust me. So brush your shoulders off, stop giving a shit about a team that doesn’t matter, and let’s get ready for another loss next week against the … Saints? Holy shit, this is going to be a blood bath. Enjoy!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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