Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Eight Review: Winning By Default

Who do we thank, and do we care?
On one hand, the Minnesota Vikings played a rather competent game on Sunday, defeating the Carolina Panthers 24-21. Christian Ponder showed remarkable poise for someone with a Dual Master’s Degree, Purple Jesus was unusually versatile and all over the field in both the run and pass game, the defense was predictable – yet stout – as needed forcing turnovers and three and outs, and Sir Smokes Alot was getting into fights. On the sidelines. The OTHER team’s sideline. OK, that was a bullshit call we all know, but the Vikings did plenty of things right this weekend to win a game. Yet …. The Olindo Mare (is he Spanish or something? Seriously) is largely to thank for shanking his 31-yard field goal wide left (always hangs to the left, huh Mare?), as is Steve Smith for finally getting called on his physical assault during a block. While Smith was expectedly a baby about the whole situation, I like to think of it as a make-up call for the rest of the time our d-linemen were getting mugged by their offensive line. Great reffing job today, Biceps.

In the end, it probably doesn’t matter. The way the Dolphins and Colts continue to lose in amazing fashion, and the way Ponderosa keeps playing, we may need to rethink this whole “Suck 4 Luck” strategy and go “Deal with Kalil.” You know, the tackle from USC? Like how we need offensive line help? … Are you guys even paying attention? Nevermind. On to the review:

Mushroom Stamp of Approval: I spent a good portion of my Sunday afternoon considering giving every Mushroom Stamp of Approval this season to Purple Jesus. Back story: When starting this award process, I told myself PJ would be ineligible for it every week because, obviously, he’d likely be the cause for each and every win this franchise ever sees. Then 2010 happened, and then the start of this year happened. I figured there probably wasn’t anyone else on the team who deserved to receive an Approval award, so for the expected three or four wins we were going to get this season, I was prepared to give them all to Purple Jesus. And yet … With the switch to Pondermonium at quarterback, I’m thinking we’re going to win more games than I thought, and frankly, I kind of like the kid. Notice he didn’t have a turnover on Sunday? That was nice. Also notice despite several broken plays that the offense didn’t lose a ton of momentum or yards? Quick, Master’s level decision making. And his almost-otherworldly ability to complete third downs of any distance to keep drives alive? Amazing. I haven’t seen the team do that since … well, probably Favre, but since I hate Favre I am trying to strike 2009 from the team records. Maybe Culpepper? It’s exciting, fun, and a reason to wear loose fitting pants every Sunday to see Pondemic lead this team. We might be on to something …

Are the coaches this good or this dumb? Big Leslie got his second win as the official Head Coach of the Minnesota Vikings, but as I sit here now, halfway through the NFL season, I am wondering what exactly we’re seeing from the new coaching staff. The offense is clearly a running offense, but beyond that I can’t tell you what we do well. Do we use tight ends effectively? Are we a deep threat team? Do we scare people with slant passes? We do a little bit of all of that, but none of that very well. Sure, sure, for half the season we had McNabb sucking things up, and for two games we’ve had a rookie that’s learning the ropes. But come on, here. I feel like Musgrave is always trying to outsmart himself by tying his shoes left handed, and I haven’t seen anything in terms of player development (outside of MAYBE Erin Henderson …) that tells me this coaching staff can actually coach. The simple fact that we haven’t seen an upgrade in safety play ALL YEAR is worrisome enough. And half time adjustments? Good luck with that. You’ll be more likely to see your bastardizing father return from the gas station for cigarettes before you see the Vikings make a key adjustment for the second half. At this point, Purple Jesus is the only thing keeping this (sex) boat afloat, and even then, it’s despite the coaches. “Hey, take our best player out in the first quarter and subsequent third downs. Plus, let’s call two broken running plays in a row.” F*cking brilliant.

Craptastic Notes: Lots more to touch on from this game, so let’s jump into the orgy pit:

  • I have a boner for Cam Newton. That pass he threw to Greg Olsen was so amazing. Sure, The Terrorist helped him by offering shitty coverage, but it sure was a sight to behold. Also, his stat line was something that Ponder couldn’t hold, either. Like a jock. You know.
  • We should probably mention that one of our defensive ends is having a hell of a season. With another sack tonight, Mr. Allen has something like 13 or 14 on the year. Could he seriously threaten Strahan’s single season sack record? That’s what all the talk is about. I doubt it, but all he needs is one game against a typical Bears team for it to happen, so don’t count him out.
  • What the hell was Marcus Sherels doing returning such a good kick off? Do you think he was just still so jacked about a single Gophers win that it carried over to Sunday? Good for him, ya little bugger. Sherels is like one of those cute little dogs that don’t ever do shit, but you keep them around because they are dumb and adorable.
  • Kluwe had an awesome day. No surprise there. On Longwell’s missed field goal, it was so obviously a bad kick and not a bad hold. Obviously.
  • There were no penises kicked on Sunday, much to my disappointment. Harvin MAY have punched one on the sidelines, but the camera angle was inconclusive.
  • I don’t understand why we’re not using Kyle Rudolph more in the passing game, down the middle of the field, with a rookie tight end. What the hell, guys.
  • Tyrell Johnson can eat a dick, still. 4th and 15? Can’t stop that one? God dammit.
  • Winfield needs to get back soon, too. I lose a year off my life every game I have to watch that Asher Allen starts. It’s not fair.
  • DeAngelo Williams sucks hard. I have no idea why I drafted him in a fantasy league. It’s also criminal that he received that monster contract and has been playing like a back up all year. This is why we don’t want to fund public stadiums for you, NFL.
  • I didn’t notice any gun fingaz after Pondering’s touchdown. Anyone else?

A winners haiku:
“The NFL loves
Tebowing; But the Vikings
Settle for winning

That’s a nice way to send ourselves off on a bye week. Now let’s hope for a couple of things. First, that the players get bored and get into some type of fiasco that will embarrass us all, whether it be a shoot out at the Seville, a sex romp on Lake Minnetonka, or seen in the front row at a Guthrie play, I hope something exciting and hilarious happens. Secondly, don’t think that just because it’s a bye week means that there won’t be anything fun to do around these parts. Yes sir, the bye week and off-season is when PJD SHINES! So stick around for some fun, and bask in a rare win this week. We’ve earned it, really.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.