Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Four Review: Spectacularly Bad

The Vikings lost a football game:
Ho-hum, the Vikings played another noon game on a Sunday and *yawn*, they lost because they are not a very good football team, to a team (this week it was the Chiefs … an AFC team, really mixing it up!) that is also not very good, but looked like rock stars because they got to face Jamarca Sanford, Tyrell Johnson, our offensive line, and Donovan McNabb. No biggie.

Let’s play a mind exercise to start this review. Let me “review” a generic game for you and you tell me if you’ve either heard it before or if you can guess who the two teams are, OK? OK, here goes. First, the game starts off with our favorite team getting the ball and then doing nothing, and punting. The other team has a series, but sucks a lot too. Then, we get the ball back, score some points, and look mildly competitive, either winning or losing (it doesn’t really matter at all) while heading into half time. After half time, the other team made some pretty basic adjustments that even an autistic kid could figure out. The other team ends up scoring enough points to make a vastly superior team look like a bag of mashed penis, and the team you cheer for ultimately loses in close, but embarrassing fashion, enough so that you question your fandom, manhood, and sexuality for just a SPLIT second before you realize that this team is worthless and you can’t wait until they move to L …. Uh, somewhere else. DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT TEAM I’M TALKING ABOUT??! Yeah, it’s the Vikings, and that’s pretty much what happened, again, for the fourth week in a row, as they lost to the Chiefs. Whatever.

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: OH MY GOD, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE TO BLAME! I’ve already kicked Big Leslie to the curb (his head coaching record is looking pretty ugly right now …), but let’s look around. I think we all know who is at the root of this problem, and it’s that fatty pants McNabb. His numbers have been beyond absurd this season, and if this team has any hopes of losing it’s way to the top draft pick in next year’s draft, we have to ride this gravy train all the way to the finish line. McNabb has everything wrong going for him. He’s fat, unconditioned, can’t make some basic throws, forgets which side is his left or right side when trying to hand off the football to the only redeeming quality on this team … It’s really almost perfect for us to shit our beds to the worst record in the league. Sucker Colts! You think you can just lose your franchise QB for one season and be worse than us? NOT LIKELY! We out suck you, and it’s because of this huge pile of turd acting as our field general that we’re so terrible …. in one regard. We’ll find someone else who sucks next week too when we inevitably lose. Looking forward to it!

It wasn’t all bad, however: Well, no, it was really terrible, but here are some things I enjoyed throughout the game:

1. Tim Brewster as the sideline analyst. No sexy girl down on the sidelines for the Vikings/Chiefs? We get Tim Brewster’s old, stupid face instead? Seems like a pretty good trade off, especially for Minnesota fans who just watched their college team get butt pummelled with an Old Style can by Michigan largely because said college team was left devoid of talent from said analyst. What a cock.

2. Everson Griffen flexing and being a cocky dumb ass after a sack when there was a flag on the play. HELL YEAH, SOLID MOVE!

3. Jamarca Sanford riding a pony, or walking the dinosaur, or whatever the hell that was after he made a super routine play while losing. What a true comedian!

4. Spending the afternoon watching Aaron Rodgers (The Gay Trocadero! … I just made that up) throw for 400 yards, 4 touchdowns, and rush for 2. We are SO far away from anything near that, but in the meantime, I will watch Rodgers finger blast all of you who face me in PJD’s fantasy league.

5. Michael Jenkins. I don’t know why I like him, but I do. Maybe because he blocks more than he should probably catch, but he’s doing both. What an AMAZING free agent pick up!

6. Chris Kluwe made another tackle. He’s like the best tackler on the team. He needs to see the field more.

Starting Job Loss Watch: With performances like this, something needs to change, someone’s head needs to roll, someone needs to wet their pants. If Big Leslie is smart, he’ll start by making an example out of someone that should be playing well (hence, a starter) and demoting his ass to the back of the line like they just tried to cut in front of the fat kid at the school lunch line. Who will it be? We’re going to start a running list here in the game reviews until it actually happens, so help us keep an eye out. So far we have:

1. EJ Henderson – EJ isn’t helping himself the last two weeks. He was running blind during several passes down the middle he should have been defending, and actually had to come out in the nickel package against the Chiefs because the coaches didn’t trust him. Ouch.
2. McDonovan – So fat, so bad. Four losses? He doesn’t even care anymore, right?
3. Bertrand Booty – I’m not really supposed to say anything, but check his Twitter account from last night. It was hilarious and bitchy.
4. Cedric Griffin - He’d probably lose his spot if there was ANYONE behind him to compete, but there absolutely isn’t. He still looks hurt, and that’s too bad. I like Griff, I just don’t think he can handle the job right now.
5. Phil Loadholt - The pressure on Donovan this year has been unacceptable. How can other teams coach up practice squad guys and turn them into starters and we only play people who have the brain capacity of a gnat? Stupid.

Are you expecting someone to lose their job? Let us know in the comments who. It’ll be like a fun office pool of hate until it happens!

Sucking for Luck Watch: Yes gentlemen, the Suck4Luck campaign is totally in high gear. We are effing 0-4 on the season. OH AND FOUR. That’s terrible. You extrapolate that out for a full 16 games and that means we go 0-16. I would garner that’d be enough to get us the first pick in the draft. However, let’s have an honest conversation here for a second. The other teams in serious contention for Luck are the Colts, Dolphins, Chiefs, Broncos, Seahawks, and Rams. In the Luck campaign, the Rams are out, but every one of those other teams could sure as hell us a franchise quarterback right now. Looking long term, I think the Broncos, Seahawks, and Dolphins are ultimately better than the Vikings, though. They’re definitely in that 3-5 game win range, like the Vikings, but likely at least one better. And truthfully, Pete Carroll and the Seahawks would probably want Matt Barkley more than Luck, for some reason. So that leaves our competition as Colts and the Chiefs. We at least have the tie breaker with the Chiefs, having lost against them, and we’ll have to see what the Colts now do with that Painter guy at quarterback. He might get them an extra win or two.

In the end, I still think our chances for Luck are pretty slim, but we do have a chance, and that’s all you can hope for.

A losing haiku for an amazingly loserish team:

“Hey, sexy Viking!
What do you like best, losing?
Or the maching rugs?”

I’m going to be honest, I barely paid attention to this game because, what the hell. I checked Twitter frequently and noticed many of you followed the developments, which is why it is CRITICAL that you come back tomorrow and read the Tweets O’ the Game and join in on this blood bath of a season. See you then.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.