Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Nine Review: Pack it Up, Season’s Over

Does this analogy work?
The Minnesota Vikings right now are like the Minnesota Golden Gophers of college football. Yes? The offense plays like a bunch of first graders. You have a QB with “potential” but let’s not kid ourselves, not really. There’s a fine running back, a decent wide receiver, a shitty, no-name offensive line, and the defense sucks more than space vacuum. Think about that. You ever see Spaceballs and they suck all the air from Druidia into the ship? That’s what the defense of the Vikings looks like every time they step out on the field, kind of just like chickens with their gobblers cut off, I don’t know I’m not a farmer, shut up. They are the laughing stock of their respective league, and while they certainly have more wins than the WORST team in the league (C-O-L-T-S, Colts, Colts, Colts!), talent-wise, we can’t be far behind. And I hate the god damn Gophers with a fiery passion of a thousand pants on fire, so imagine how I’m starting to feel about the Vikings, a team I kind of liked for a while. Shit heads.

I hope the team fought the entire way on the plane ride home. After you get your ass handed to you 45-7 (should have probably been 52-0) on national TV, you deserve to get in a hissy fit fight. Let’s hate on some people, after the jump:

Fire Everyone – Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Big Leslie. You are the f*cking worst coach I have ever seen. Don’t give me this calm demeanor, cutting fat ass left tackles and gay wide receivers because you think you got some brass balls. You coaching skills are shit, your eye for talent is shit, your eye for COACHING talent is shit, and you are now on the poop list. Eat it and die. You’ve been out-coached your entire career as an interim and head coach, and it’s blatantly obvious. You need to go, preferably Tuesday morning, followed by that twat Musgrave, that wet towel Pagac, white-face Dunbar, whatever cock sucker is our defensive backs coach, the training staff, Rick Spielman and his Toby Gerhart selections, Toby Gerhart, Tyrell Johnson, Asher Allen, Fred Evans, Greg Camarillo, the ENTIRE offensive line (yes, even Hutchinson), the new uniforms, the ogre looking blond cheerleader, F*CKING RAGNAR that asshole, Paul Allen, and everything everywhere associated with the Vikings right now except for Purple Jesus, Percy, Kluwe, Pondexter, and … Kyle Rudolph. But only because he’s white and an unknown. Everyone else? GET F*CKED.

Piss Pounded Notes: There were so many things I hated about that game last night, I shall present it to you in bullet form:

  • I’m not even mad at the Packers. They do work, son. They curb stomped our ass fair and square. Don’t like it? Stop committing stupid f*cking penalties and learn how to block the best pass rusher on their team. Easy shit.
  • The game turned out perfectly, as I won all of my fantasy games this year (even in the shitty leagues!) thanks to Purple Jesus garbage TDs and Aaron Rodgers. You keep on discount double checking, you shit head.
  • That Monday Night Football team broadcasting crew was about as brutal as I could have ever anticipated. Gruden didn’t know how old Charles Woodson was and refused to look at his notes. Wat? F*ck you.
  • That ref crew sucked balls. From the first drive of the game when there was CLEAR defensive holding on Shanko, you knew those tampons were out to get us. Could people suck off the Packers any more? Jesus Christ.
  • Seriously, f*ck Leslie Frazier. The last time an embarrassment like this happened we shit canned a coach. He better be next.
  • I DID like how much the Green Bay fans hated Jared Allen, who got booed every time he calf roped a QB. Also, wow … he’s having a hell of a season. Hopefully he keeps it up for no other reason than his own personal glory, because the team sure as shit isn’t helping.
  • When you’re hitting arguably the best QB in the game, why aren’t you REALLY hitting him? Like dropping an elbow in his larynx as you drop to the ground, or pushing off with all your weight as you get up from a tackle? I’d try my damnedest to wreck his shit if I were an defensive player. In fact, I’d take someone that doesn’t matter to the team’s success (eg, any player on defense) and purposefully have him get a penalty on the first play from scrimmage where you tear his ACL or break his ankle. Have that player get tossed from the game, it’s so egregious. Doesn’t matter. Now Rodgers is out, the shitty player is gone, and the Vikings have a chance!
  • Kluwe, I love you to death and agree that football is kind of like whatever, but dear god. Could you kick more returned punts than any punter in the league? I’m genuinely curious. Someone find that stat. Also, poor, poor tackling technique. I’m ASSUMING it’s because the grass was to … slippery … yeaahhh ….
  • I’m mad at Asher Allen, but you really wonder how mad you can really get. He knows he’s no better than Marcus Sherels sans speed, yet the coaching staff keeps putting him in position to start. He’s clearly outmatched, every down, but he does what he can. Whatever. He’s a total dime-a-dozen player.
  • I also feel terrible for Cedric Griffen. He had so much potential and then both his knees went silly string on him. He’ll never come back to his former self. FACT.
  • Ditto on EJ Henderson. Get him out of here.
  • Our safeties are so bad it has me clamoring for the days of Chris Chavous and Brian f*cking Russel. Think about that for a moment. A white safety. Yeah.
  • Ponder plays with his shirt off? We win by 47.

A soul crushing haiku:
“Hey Rodgers, we heard
You like dudes sans shirts. Is true?”
“Tell Ponder ‘Hello’.”

I hope everything dies. Just call us the Pittsburgh Pirates of football, we’re through, forever. #sucksdickbros


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.