Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Ten Review: Losing the Right Way


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We’re bad, but at least we know it!
I turned on the old computer machine this morning to look at porn and check my fantasy line-up with about 5 minutes left, when I eventually went on Twitter and saw that the Viking were going to start Tyrell Johnson, something called a Berger, and Asher Allen. I think. It doesn’t matter, because when you see that you KNOW that this team is trying to lose. When you end the game with Toby Gerhart as your starting running back as well, then there just isn’t any question about it. Despite all of that obnoxiousness, the Vikings still almost came back and won, kind of through two different opportunities, except for Ponder playing with his shirt on and having his expected rookie game of his career. I don’t know if I should be excited about that or still kind of upset. After MUCH deliberation and not-caring for about 12 hours, I have decided that the game against the Raiders was probably the best coaching work of Leslie Frazier’s young career. He put the team in position to lose, while also getting much-needed experience for people like Ponder, Berger, D’Imperio, and Benny Sapp. Despite playing with a stacked deck, the Vikings still almost won, giving us hope for the future, since that’s about all we can look forward to at this point.

In other words? Continue on with your #Blow4Blackmon hashtag!

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: It’s a touch break for the kid, but Ponder has to get the Mushroom Stamp of Evil Poop this week, really for two reasons. First, he continues to play with his damn shirt on, just never learning his lesson. Do we have to send an email to the equipment manager? Roger Goodell to get a uniform exception? I mean really. Why is this so hard? It would help prevent the sell-out streak being broken too, as I DID notice many empty seats there today. Second, throwing those three interceptions didn’t really help either, particularly when you were so close to scoring. On one hand you can easily pass this off as some rookie jitters or whatever else you want to say, and point to his other games as not having this many interceptions or turnovers. And I would want to believe you. But Ponder probably has about four or five passes a game that blow my top when they AREN’T intercepted, so it seems to be more of a trend than anything. On the other sweaty palm, the kid did show some poise in the pocket, understanding of when to scramble, and not being a total shit head like McNabb, so at least he’s got that going for him. Now he just can never do that again and we’ll be cool.

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I will kill you, Raider defender: On to perhaps the most serious issue at hand was the injured ankle suffered by Purple Jesus. It occurred in the second quarter when he had a defender roll up on his ankle slightly, causing it to get trapped underneath some fat asses leg. It didn’t actually LOOK that terrible, but what the hell do I know. I bump my toe with an ingrown nail on it against the coffee table and I black out with pain. However, I really thought that Purple Jesus would be coming back in the game. I swear he’s had worse injuries than that before and walked back in like a BOSS, only to score 15 more touchdowns. Not on Sunday. And if he’s out next week? Or the next two weeks? MAYBE EVEN THE SEASON?! I swear to god I will hunt you down like an Early American dramatized Native American who burns settler camps and skins the the dome off of an ugly white person. DO YOU HEAR ME. You know not what you have done, and will forever burn in hell because of this. Effing cheaters.

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2-8 Record Game Notes: Lot’s of different news and notes from this game, so let’s jump to it:

  • The Vikings are now 2-8 for the first time since 1962. That was when the Vikings were two years old as an organization, went 2-11 on the year, and were coached by our friend Ol’ Normy Van Brocklin, that racist son of a bitch. Now we got a black guy as our coach. Somehow those things are related, I would wager, and either way, I hate this reality that our team sucks so bad. COACH AND DO STUFF BETTER, GAIS!
  • Why does Percy get less than 10 touches a game? That is absolutely criminal. Like robbing a liquor store criminal. Every time he touches the ball, good things happen for the Vikings. Seems like a pretty simple game plan, then, to get him the damn ball.
  • You ever notice how we have a tendency to make horrible QBs look like Pro-Bowlers? Yeah, Carson Palmer. What the hell. He is terrible and has cancer.
  • Kevin Williams has been having a quietly nice season. He’s been PENETRATING into the opposing team’s BACKFIELD pretty well this year. He had one sack and three solo tackles today. He also hasn’t choked a woman or been arrested for driving drunk, that I can recall, so good for him. He can stay.
  • Did you notice the cheerleaders dancing in front of the Army guys on the field? I was impressed with their ability to not JUST stare at them. But what else is supposed to happen? Cheerleaders doing this seems like a trap of some kind and totally unfair. You stare and everyone thinks you’re a pig. You don’t and everyone knows you want to or even worse, you look gay. Total crap.
  • I thought Benny Sapp did … fine? Is that good enough? I hope he sticks around, even if we DO draft a cornerback in the first round.
  • Our offensive line is just … so … god dammit, I have never been so mad at a unit on a football team. They are terrible, and most of them look like they’re tight-end-size, not offensive linemen. Go figure they’re getting blown up like a sex doll. Sucks, bro.

 

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Losers Haiku:

“But Mr. Musgrave,
How can I read your play chart?
It’s drawn in crayon.”

On the plus side of this debacle? The Vikings are now in place to pick fourth in the 2012 draft. EEeeeeee!!! That might be good enough for Blackmon!! Keep it up, shit heads!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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