Purple Jesus Diaries’ Game Three Review: Can a Season Be Over in Week Three?

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We Say Yes:
Don’t believe me? Look at the other teams in the NFL right now; St. Louis, the Colts, Miami and Kansas City. Do you believe any of them even having a blind retards chance of making the playoffs? The Rams … MAYBE … because the NFC West is an abortion, but that’s it. The season is completely toast for these teams. And why should the Vikings be any different, especially in a legit conference which holds the Super Bowl champs? Naw, seasons over, ladies. Enjoy the Lynx championship and wait for the Wild to disappoint you in month one as well.

If you WANT some kind of a recap on this however, let me offer this. What the Vikings managed to do on Sunday was somehow both predictable, devastating, deflating, depressing, amazing, awesome, hilarious, inspired, dumbfounding, shocking, and completely “Viking” in the end. A 20-point lead going into the half, having completely dominated the opposing team on your home field, only to let it all slip away in the third and fourth quarters (and overtime, I suppose) through shitting play calling, horrible quarterback performance, atrocious line-play, a defense playing scared, and LETTING GOD DAMN TYRELL JOHNSON BACK ON THE FIELD WHY WAS HE NOT SUSPENDED AFTER DRINKING AND DRIVING LAST WEEK NOW WE REWARD THAT TYPE OF BEHAVIOR?!

This team has some serious issues which will not be solved this year, or by Christian Ponder, and the entire thing needs to be blown up and moved to Los Angeles. Get it over with.

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Who do you even blame when this buffoonery happens three games in a row? Is it Fred Pagac? Does he not make any defensive adjustments at half time? Is it Musgrave? Does he just get stymied in the second half when the defense adjusts to his protection schemes? I don’t know or care, and hindsight is always 20/20, but this loss falls on Frazier. The fourth quarter, fourth down call to go for it was the last straw and cemented the entire teams poor coaching philosophy. He’s letting the inmates run the asylum now because he’s too afraid of losing more games. Maybe he’s just a sweet soul and wants to trust these jack offs that they’ll do what they practiced, play like the have some neurons firing, and not F it all up in the B for a third straight game. If Big Leslie has learned anything from the early start to this season though, it’s that you can’t trust ANYONE. NOBODY. Not even Purple Jesus, because even when he waves off the kicking unit when you know you need three points that ultimately would have won you the game, he’s actually just doing it not because he wants to get the first down and win the game for you, but because he’s TESTING you, your faith, your patience, YOUR SOUL, and you failed. He trolled you, man, and now the only thing to do is pray to him for forgiveness and hope that Zygi’s Jewish deity doesn’t declare to him that he should fire your ass right now, because you are the one responsible for this team, and what we’ve seen so far isn’t very encouraging.

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Starting Job Loss Watch: With performances like this, something needs to change, someone’s head needs to roll. If Big Leslie is smart, he’ll start by making an example out of someone that should be playing well (hence, a starter) and demoting his ass to the back of the line like they just tried to cut in front of the fat kid at the school lunch line. Who will it be? We’re going to start a running list here in the game reviews until it actually happens, so help us keep an eye out. So far we have:

1. EJ Henderson – A surprise on this list perhaps, but he’s looked slow and out of position this year, and as a cemented veteran having him lose his starting spot would send fear through the rest of the team.
2. Steve Hutchinson – I actually don’t know if he’s been playing poorly or not, and frankly don’t give a shit. He’s making like a trillion dollars a snap, and he should be getting holding calls.
3. McDonovan – This seems like the obvious solution. QB play is retarded, sooooo, fix the retard by letting him play with broken glass on the sidelines. At least Joe Webb could run the football better for us, and he might actually have a better deep ball.
4. Bertrand Booty – Why he’s still playing, at all, on the team or in the NFL, is beyond me, but he hasn’t done a single thing in three games which is pretty amazing.

Are you expecting someone to lose their job? Let us know in the comments who. It’ll be like a fun office pool of hate until it happens!

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But Did you Notice …: Uh, Chris Cook did …. well. Yes, he got burned by possibly the best active receiver in the NFL on a long ball, but he was still draped all over that robots back during that touchdown catch and made up for it by preventing AT LEAST two other touchdowns. That was … encouraging, and quite frankly, I’m not sure how to interpret these new developments. Can Cook actually develop into something that doesn’t look like ass cancer? Is he more than just a warm body during an Eyes Wide Shut orgy? His full body extension pass deflection was, seriously, jaw dropping. You see any other cornerback in the NFL make that play, not knowing his history of sucking as a rookie and having two bionic knees, and you’re like “Damn, that kid looks like a stud.” That’s what I felt in my pants for a split second before I remembered who number 31 was, but hey, it’s something. I’m not sitting here wishing he would choke on his toothbrush, so we’ll take these baby step improvements as they happen. Good for you Chris, good for you.

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Sucking for Luck Watch: Well, it is officially on now. The Suck for Luck campaign is kicking into high gear and I am GOD DAMN excited for it. The reality of this is that even if the Vikings don’t end up with the number one pick, we’re still going to end up with a top five one, most likely, which equals a very, very good player. Do you know who is probably available in the top five of the NFL Draft next year? According to WalterFootball.com right now, we’re looking at getting either Andrew Luck, Matt Kalil (outstanding USC OT), Matt Barkley (awesome USC doucher of a QB), Justin Blackmon (Best WR in the nation from Okie State) or Landry Jones, a top DE, Alshon Jeffreys or another stud OT. We can’t lose! I’m almost more excited for that than anything. But back to what’s important, Andrew Luck, here is where things currently stand based off of WalterFootball, Sunday’s results, and a little bit of my speculation:

1. Colts
2. Chiefs
3. Vikings
4. St. Louis

All three of these other teams are dangerous in the pursuit of Luck. The Colts and Chiefs would obviously take him, and the Rams would likely trade him to the highest bidder. Now, it’s early. It’s week three. We’re talking draft, already. The Rams and their fans aren’t. They know they are better than that and will end up no where close to the number one pick. The other three listed here very well might, however. Next week is a BIG week in #Suck4Luck, as the Vikings head to the KC to play the Chiefs in what may be a defining game. Can we lose it? I absolutely think we can, and am going to be pulling for a loss. Won’t you join me?

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A Losing Haiku for a Bunch of Failures:

“Twenty to zero?
Once this was Titanic news.
Now we’re sitting swell.”

Make sure to follow the process of the lowly 2011 Vikings right here, especially tomorrow as we feature the Tweets O’ the Game (the melt down was FANTASTIC!) and lots more. See you then.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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