Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game 10 Preview: Getting Lost in a Black Hole

Beating the Black Hole:
The Vikings return home after a black-out game in Green Bay, on a short week, and get to face a Raiders team that cannot possibly be as good as their winning record indicates. The Vikings, however, are just as bad as you would seem to believe (if not worse), so we’re left with a game between two largely unlikable and uninteresting teams slapping each other in their pajamas on a Sunday morning. Exciting! While some people may try to pump this game up as a re-match of Super Bowl XI, I can promise you no one gives a shit. Why? Because the Raiders are dumb, haven’t been relevant since Tom Brady first became a starter (think about how long ago that was, seriously), and this Vikings season is meaningless. ERGO, no one cares about this game, except for maybe Raiders fans, which will make it all the more hilarious when they finally lose. So? LET’S DO THIS.

Thanks to K I L L E R C H E F for another great game day graphic!

Carson Palmer sucks and is a cancer patient: So the Raiders got desperate enough with their 4-3 team a while ago, while playing in a division so bad that I almost think the Vikings could compete in it, and traded a first round pick for a 30-year old Carson Palmer. You know, that Carson Palmer that had maybe two good years in Cincinnati before blowing his knee out, never winning a playoff game, and is now probably not worth the investment? The same Carson Palmer that couldn’t do anything with the team that is now 6-3 with a rookie QB and rookie receiver? Amazing. If my numbers add up correctly, in the two games he’s played since not playing football in over 12 months, he’s thrown 573 interceptions for the Raiders. Well worth it, if you ask me. If the Vikings don’t manage AT LEAST two against this schlub, then we deserve to have the team move to LA. Get it done, lazy arms.

One Green Bay Packer fan will have a swift death: There has been a report which crept out late this week that told us some prick bastards in Wisconsin tried to actually kill Purple Jesus by putting glass in his roasted chicken. GOD DAMMIT APPLETON, WISCONSIN, BURN IN HELL. Kluwe had several Tweets last week about just how shitty Appleton is, too, and I don’t doubt it. While I do my best to stay out of that entire state, I cannot think of one redeeming quality about it, and a story about finding glass in a Vikings’ players food, while not alarming, does break any and all forms of even gruff amiability. Shit is on now, bastards. Whereas before I didn’t really wish that Aaron Rodgers was gay and died of ass cancer, I now hope he dies from a self-autoerotic asphyxiation while tied up with one hand free and left lashed and bleeding with his cancer ridden intestines dangling on the floor while raccoons chew at his testicles and bees sting his nipples. Then I hope his mom walks in on him, freaks out, shoots her face off, and somehow manages to involuntarily vomit out of the hole in her neck onto Rodgers’ father standing behind her, who recounts this entire story to everyone before going into a mental ward for the rest of his life due to the horrors he’s seen, after he rapes a 12-year old boy to death. You people deserve it. Because of glass in Purple Jesus’ food. Bastards.

Al Davis being dead is a good thing: I don’t think you’ll find any Raiders fans these days that think former alive owner, Al Davis, was actually beneficial to the team’s success over the past decade, but much like Joe Paterno, they let that freaky ass vampire get away with stupid shit because he created a culture of stabbing opposing fans at the stadium and acting like a slimy dick head for several decades. Well, that’s bull shit. Al Davis’ team won some Super Bowls under his watch and created a self inflating sense of himself, his team, his popularity, and importance to the league, but it was for nothing. You know what the rest of the league, NFL fans, nation, and world think about you people? We forget you exist. You. Do not. Matter. At all. You’re essentially the Spencer Pratt of the NFL, and don’t you forget it.

Meme of the week: I don’t know why I thought this was appropriate. Maybe it’s because I said in the “Acting Cordial” thread that I’d literally shit in my pants if the Vikings scored 27 points. Maybe it’s because this is kind of exactly what’s happening to the Vikings season as well. Just a bunch of athletes rolling around in and eating their own shit. That’s a very apt description, actually, the more and more you think about it. Bravo, team, you’re just a bunch of filthy dogs.

Scotch of the week: This week scotch’s is Glen Garioch 8 year. It’s a Highland scotch, so it’s going to taste more like brince, sea monster, and burning bodies. Perfect for a winter drink! Some tasting notes courtesy of “Master of Malt“:

  • Nose: Quite green and grassy. Fresh peat. Soft hay, cereals, tangy zest.
  • Palate: Rich, winter spice, malt. Wood smoke, walnut.
  • Finish: Quite long, coffee, honey on buttered toast, touch of bitter dark chocolate on the tail.

I read in some other places that the Glen Garioch 8 is aged in some finer oak casks, which give it a richer flavor. I like the idea of it having some of that winter spice, and bite. I imagine in my head that I have a roaring fire burning in my library, and I’m sitting in a throne-like chair, wearing my ascot after a long day of badger pelting and thinking about the new developments in the territories and fur trade. Then I order my house hand to grab me a Glen Garioch 8 and I get wasted by the fire place and pass out. That would be the life.

Ass of the week: I really have no deep knowledge about this black hole piece of ass, but, my god … look, at, that. This is apparently a Mississippi State cheerleader that posed in sexy ways and then had her pictures taken. For money? I don’t know. Is that an NCAA violation? So … she just took sexy pics … for free? What a woman. More can be found at the link here, on Frat House Sports. No more words need be said, as it would only distract you from fapping.

Lazy, stupid predictions: With half the season left, do predictions matter anymore? I honestly have like zero interest at this point. Can’t we start talking full-blown about the draft yet? If I HAD to say anything about this wiener fest, it’d be that it’s one of those games against a very mediocre team that I could see the Vikings winning, much like how they handled the Cardinals. A couple of turnovers, so halfway decent offensive play at home in a familiar setting, and the team can actually win this thing. Purple Jesus could have a big day against a weak Raiders front seven (start him ni fantasy! GREAT NFL MIND!) and it seems like a game that Pondexter will manage, with his brain, and be all smart and stuff. The Raiders have injuries, but the Vikings are just stupid. Too stupid too win??! I don’t know. I have a bad feeling that they will, something like 24-20, which will really hurt our chances for Blackmon, but who knows. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll be as ambivalent about the entire game as I am and still find a way to lose. Here’s hoping.

Enjoy the game, everyone. I’m going to throw up a game thread for the four of us that want to discuss the game with more dick jokes than you can use on Twitter, so watch for that Sunday morning. Nothing special, just a designated spot where we can all call the team retarded. Join me, won’t you?


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.