Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Eight Preview: No Groin Is Safe

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Charlotte, Hide Your Crotches:
It’s Halloween weekend which means that there is some crazy ass shit going on. Prude girls are getting drunk and dressing sexy, pedophiles are out in full force, black cats are scratching at your ankles, ladders are appearing out of nowhere whenever you are walking on a sidewalk, and the Vikings are making roster moves that actually make SENSE, making the team better by addition through subtraction. Yes, some weird shit is indeed going on, and I’m getting this feeling that some more weird behavior is about to go down this weekend. Minnesota heads to Carolina this weekend to face Camputer Newton and his band of Panthers. Will the Panthers be a bad luck charm? Will the Vikings figure out some way to beat the ghosts of Halloween past? Is god damn Steve Smith going to burn us for 200 receiving yards and mock the love boat in the endzone again? …. Maybe. But if he does, I know one thing: The Vikings know how to take care of it – a swift kick in the crotch. Vikings and Panthers, this weekend. Let’s do this.

Thanks to worst case scenario for another great game day graphic preview!

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Minnesota, hide your computers: We all know Cam Newton bought a stolen computer, right? On the flip side of this all? Holy crap, the Vikings are playing Cam Newton this weekend. We are screwed like the local pound puppy in an alleyway full of bull dogs. Personally, I am very excited to watch the likely rookie of the year pad some early afternoon stats against us. Cam is going to roll out of bed, smile his big ass white teeth, play a little pitch and catch, drop some TDs on our ass, then go home and smile some more. I’m envisioning him dropping back against our defense, looking to pass, seeing every receiver wide open by at least 20 yards, and then just saying “shit with this” and running it in for about eight touchdowns. I think there was someone in our fantasy league that picked him up and the only thing I can say is, “Guaranteed Win?” Yes. Shit is going to get ugly.

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Pondering renewed life: Super special thanks and 50,000 internet points to @Qommie for her creating this gif that I will use many, many times. *ptew ptew* Normally, going into this weekend my review of the team would go something like this: “Defense sucks, will get killed. Special teams? Solid; Kluwe. Offense … We have one?” Well, that was primarily with McCrappedHimself as the team’s QB. Maybe I’m being a moron that just would like to see the Vikings field a halfway decent football team again, but I was impressed enough with young Ponder’s outing last week against the best team in the league that I can’t imagine the Panthers can be much tougher. Sure, Cam is exciting to watch, but he also had a game or two where he threw, like, five interceptions or something. And their defense? …. Well, I know absolutely nothing about them. Is their defensive line still good? I know they don’t have Julius Peppers anymore to butt rape our offensive line, but we also don’t have Bryant McKinnie on our offensive line anymore playing the roll of a turnstile, so, in some form of retarded logic, I think that makes us the better team. And if Ponder just doesn’t have a typical rookie day than I’d say our chances of winning are pretty fair. However, if he doesn’t do the gun fingers after a touchdown? Well, no dice. We’re doomed. Done. Dead. So get it done, Pondexter.

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Halloween costumes for Vikings players! It’s Halloween weekend, and that means that … I don’t know, maybe Saturday night in Charlotte or on the plane ride home … the Vikings will quite obviously be dressing up in some type of Halloween costumes to celebrate the event. We have in inside source in the locker room that gave us some secret information on what certain players will be wearing to celebrate. Here’s what we found:

  • Donovan McNabb – Hamburglar
  • Purple Jesus – God
  • Brian Robison – Kickpuncher
  • Percy Harvin – Towely
  • Chris Kluwe – Internet Troll Face
  • Christian Ponder – Stephen Hawking
  • Visanthe Shiancoe – Black Ron Jeremy
  • Chris Cook – OJ Simpson
  • Antoine Winfield – Thomas the Train

Got any more? Leave them in the comments, along with pictures of sexy girls in slutty Halloween costumes. #bestholidayoftheyear

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Meme of the week: I don’t know. This has nothing to do with anything but I laffed.

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Scotch of the week: This week’s scotch is not actually one I’ve had myself, but one that sounds like it might be a pretty decent way for people looking to get into scotch to try. The Auchentoshan Classic is a fairly basic (and cheap!) scotch that will delight. It’s a Lowland scotch, which I think are always pretty easy scotches to enjoy because their not as heavy on the peat, which has many of the floral, buttery, citrus notes that you’ll pick up on. Some of the reviews also mention a salt water taffy finish, and honeycomb. It’s not a very complex scotch, but simple to drink. It doesn’t sound like it’d be one of my favorites (I’m partial to some smoke and peat in my scotch) and I’m not a huge trusting person of blended scotches. It makes it impure, like brown haired Germans. Funny enough, one of the reviews does mention this as the perfect scotch for a woman to drink because it’s so weak. Hahaha … Women.

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Your sexy Halloween flip book: You bastards are in luck. Previously posted sexy lady, Melanie Iglesias (no relation to Enrique or Juaquin, we don’t think) ha returned for us just in time to release a Halloween version of her VERY popular and VERY masturbatable flip book series. It’s Halloween theme, obviously, where she dresses up in different costumes and all you can think of is “VAGINA.” Not that I blame you. She is quite the looker and this is a genius idea. This video went up four days ago I think, and already it has almost 700,000 views. Outstanding. Can you imagine ever telling your great-great-great-grandma that women would become famous, rich, and popular by just taking sexy pictures and posting them on something called the internet where millions could crank it to them? What a weird, foreign, and awesome concept.

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Scary predictions: Let’s get two things straight here. The Vikings are not a very good team, and now we’re starting a rookie quarterback. OK. However, the Panthers aren’t a very good team either, and they are also starting a rookie quarterback. Got it. However, only one team has Purple Jesus. The Panthers have Deangelo Williams, and he sucks. I know, because he’s on one of my fantasy football teams and I wish he were dead. The Panthers have something like two wins, so it’s not like they’re world beaters. I know Cam can make SEC defenses look like Swiss cheese, and it’d be an honor to refer to the Vikings defense even at that level, but you have to figure Cam is due for another off game. For some reason, I just don’t get the feeling that the Panthers are going to run away with this one. Ponder showed he can throw deep if needed, forcing defenses to back off the line of scrimmage, and he can hit that hard-to-defend slant route pretty nice, which again forces defenses to play the pass more. And – surprise, surprise – when you have a quarterback who can do that, Purple Jesus ends up with his third best rushing career day. Thanks for f*cking nothing, Donovan. The fact is, when we have a QB playing even mediocre, our team becomes infinitely better. I think we win this game, something like 26-21, but I have the freedom to totally back away from that prediction if Harvin doesn’t play. He’s the key. Oddly enough.

Enjoy the game, poop stains, and the weekend. Make sure to tweet up a storm during the game so we can have some solid Tweets O’ the Week submissions, and make sure to refer this post to your friends, friend’s friends, friend’s moms, and the Lord, our savior. Much appreciated. Check in tomorrow for (hopefully) another Madden update too.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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