Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Five Preview: Fear and Loathing in Minnesota

It can only get worse:
Have you looked at the schedule recently? Yes, the upcoming schedule for the Minnesota Vikings, tell you who they have to play and when, etc, etc. It, uh … it looks pretty ugly. Check this out:

  • Arizona
  • @Chicago
  • Green Bay
  • @Carolina
  • Bye week
  • @Green Bay
  • Oakland
  • @Atlanta
  • Denver
  • @Detroit
  • New Orleans
  • @Washington
  • Chicago

I see, honestly, maybe three wins on there? Likely two? This team is an amazing DISASTER. Are we better than …. Carolina? When we’re the road team? I doubt it. Oakland, at home? Mmmmaaayyyyybbbeeeeeee …. Denver at home? Ehhhhh … Orton has our number, usually. Washington as a road team? Nope. Chicago when they’re resting their starters for the playoffs, likely? Absolutely not. This season just could not get any worse, unless of course Purple Jesus had a career ending injury, or Percy Harvin moved to Cuba to smoke weed erryday. But holy Jeebus, we are in for some hurt for the rest of the season. So bite your bottom lip, people, the Cardinals are coming to town this weekend and they are going in RAW.

Special thanks to theTurning for another game day graphic preview!

A cure for the Cardinals:
Honestly, I haven’t followed the Cardinals very closely this year because who gives a shit. Our team sucks, or coaches suck, our quarterback sucks … I don’t want to be reminded about anything good. Frankly, I don’t even know if the Cardinals are good (quick search says … 1-3?), but it doesn’t matter. There are rumors floating of Antoine Winfield potentially not being up to speed for this game which is all I need to hear to ensure the Vikings will be prostituted out for an easy road win for the Cardinals. Kevin Kolb, who looks like a bit of a meth-head rapist, is licking his likely chapped lips at the thought of throwing multiple long balls to Larry Fitzy who is (not) being covered by … Cedric Griffin? Chris Cook? Asher Allen? Boner alert, Kolb! And then there’s Beanie Wells, who I know at least has been a fantasy beast this year. He gets to run against our array of slow linebackers. “Neva gonna catch me, Chad Greenway!” like the greased up deaf guy. This should be just a heck of a game.

I’m just going to leave this here: Without naming names because I promised I would, there has been quite the kerfuffle involving a disappointing wide receiver this week, particularly because of his actions on Twitter. But then it went to the next level when another dick joking football blog made a funny post pretending to be said wide receiver. Well, we all know that’s not allowed by certain management teams, and so they took down the offending post and pissed off a bunch of people both on a blog and on Twitter. To make matters worse, the penultimate dick joking sports blog got wind of the mismanagement of the player and called him out rather publicly, further hurting the image of said player and management team, and even Yahoo! Sports is learning how ridiculous this is. Nice PR work, guys! Personally? I can relate! But all I want to say is everyone is talking about what happened way better than I could have anyway, so I’ll let them take it from here. Nice work, internet.

Can the guido help? The Vikings this week moved our favorite resident guido from the practice squad to the active roster by dumping a tight end called Reisner (or something close, it doesn’t really matter) and bring D’Imperio up. I like this move. I don’t know how great of a blocker Reisner was, but I think teams are totally missing out by not using a full back anymore. Yeah, most teams are passing more and so using a full back maybe doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I think it CAN. Full backs are the awesome. The block, they run, they wear you down, and their name is sexually charged (full back? I’ll fill your back!). Also, Purple Jesus’ rookie year had Tony Richardson at full back blocking for him, and that was his best year, wasn’t it? At least yardage wise? Now, The Guido isn’t Richardson by any means, and PJ has said numerous times that he prefers to run without a full back, but the numbers don’t lie, especially when our offensive line is so shitty that you essentially have to put another offensive linemen behind the line of scrimmage in a full back. Whatever, I’ll take it, and I hope he blocks the shit out of people for Purple Jesus. I got PJ on a fantasy team and need him to score big, dammit. It hasn’t been working this year so far, so let’s mix it up.

Meme of the week: Eh, I guess this isn’t really a meme but a joke image. These f*cking Nature Valley granola bars …. they are so good but make you feel like a child trying to eat them with how they dust the front of your shirt up so poorly. I usually have had these when I’m out golfing (I’m like Tiger Woods, minus the sexy times!) and they surprisingly keep you energized for a long time. I find this shocking due to their crumbliness and their small size, because nothing small can be satisfying (*sad trombone*). As such, in my normal everyday granola bar fare, I’ve switched to Clif bars, which are good but … they do lack something. I don’t know what it is. I thought Clif bars were supposed to keep you full for an entire day, but it’s always like, two hours later and my stomach is in need of something, anything … even cat shit. I think it’s false advertising, or maybe someone just lied to me. Either way, that was mean of them.

Scotch of the week: I don’t recall if I’ve already highlighted this one or not, but I recently procured a fine bottle of the Bunnahabhain 12 year and my, it is fantastic. It comes in a nice dark, short jug almost that makes me feel like I am drinking toilet whisky from the American southwest, but not actually. That’s how I like my booze to make me feel. The Bunnahabhain 12 is a nice one though, albeit a bit pricey. It’s a bit more of an amber color, but doesn’t look like it will dear your liver apart (even though it probably does). It is a bit on the peatier side, but not overpowering. It falls more in the brine category as well, less smoke or heather, so it’s got nice hints of sea salt and ocean air LIKE YOU’RE A MERMAID!! The taste is great though … a bit sweet, salty, you get touches of bourbon and even some fruits and butterscotch. It’s got a nice lasting flavor to it, and is a great one to sip on, or drink like water if you’re a functioning alcoholic. Either or. Still, highly recommended.

A plethora of bodies for men and women: ESPN the Magazine (this always sounds like some Spaceballs merchandise …) released their annual “THE BODY” issue this week, and it provided a plethora of naked men and women for us all to look at. If you are an ESPN Insider for some, odd, reason, you can access all of the photos here. If not, I have provided two images (above, click to make large and fap) that stood out to both my wife and I as we sat down and both felt terribly inadequate as we skimmed the pages. First, Blake Griffin. Did you even know that a human’s butt had that many muscles? What is going on there? I bet his thigh is as big as my waist, and I’ve been putting on weight, too. The other lady … someone called Gretchen Bleiler, a snowboarder apparently … most certainly had an amazing wax job right before this photo, because I’m pretty sure I can still see her clitoris regardless. Also, she’s got a bit of that younger Cameron Diaz look going on for her, back when Diaz was still attractive (think “The Mask”), so that never hurts.

Lazy predictions:  Oh, right, this horrible, horrible game. OK. Let’s keep some things in mind, here. We are 0-4, have a stubborn head coach sticking with McFlab, a defense that is tired and dumb, and have far more important, forward thinking goals like playing ourselves into the race for Andrew Luck, which concerns us more than anything. OK. That’s what’s important. My fear though is that this dumb, uncheerable team is going to pull a win out of their fat asses because Arizona is just as bad. Hey, they have three losses somehow as well. Now, their offense is immensely better than our, so you have to think they’ll put up, like, 37 points at least. But I’m getting this sickening feeling that the Cardinals are full of retards and might just crap themselves on the road, allowing us to win this game. I sure hope not, but I could see it happening. Logic dictates it’s not possible … that the Vikings won’t score more than 20 points and the Cardinals will still win. That’s my official prediction, something like 28-23, Cardinals, but I make it pretty hesitantly. I hope I’m right though, because we cannot afford to start winning games at this point in the season.

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About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.