Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game One Preview: Making Sinatra Look Like a Hobo

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So, football is back I guess:
And just like that, it’s 17 weeks of non-stop football talk. The Vikings open up the 2011 campaign of disappointment by heading west to San Diego, where they face King Laserface Marmalard and his band of derp faces. Random facts out there state that this is only the first time since something like 1988 that the Vikings have played in San Diego (No Super Bowls, you know …) which I find alarming. Don’t we switch off every four years with the Chargers? Shouldn’t it only have been eight years ago when we last went out there? I find that fact to be suspicious, but probably so stupid it’s true. Anyway, questions ABOUND. Will the Vikings surprise in their opening game of the season? Can they make the national pundits look like retarded Mike and Mike radio hosts by not finishing last in the NFC North this season? Will Purple Jesus set another new single game rushing record by topping 300 yards? All signs point to OBVIOUSLY, but we will have to wait until 3:15 PM CST this Sunday, because San Diego is a dumb west coast city that can’t get it’s clock right. MORONS. What’s it like to have football on at 10:00 in the morning on Sundays? Has to be weird.

Anyway, on to the weekly preview, and special thanks to draft_season over on Rube Chat for the first Gameday Graphic preview of the year!

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Prepare for Anchorman jokes: Because one was already made with the banner image, you see. Beyond that, there will be plenty of Twitter comments talking about whale vaginas, milk being a bad choice and pants parties, all of to which I say “f*cking stop it.” I get it. San Diego, Anchorman, it’s really hilarious. It’s not funny when you quote movies to be topical, only when I do it. Beyond that, you can also prepare for a team that inexplicably finished tops in both offense and defense last year but then missed the playoffs. That alone should make fans wary about how stupid the NFL has become. You have the best team, statistically, on both sides of the ball but yet they can’t even make the playoffs? And then you have a team with a gay quarterback win the Super Bowl? Ooooooookkkaaaayyyy … I’m sticking to college for a while. Either way, I’m not sure how Charger fans haven’t called for Norv Turner’s head either, both because his coaching has been sub-par with the talent on the team and because his entire face looks like a saggy vagina. That alone would make me call it quits. I could not be a fan of a team like that.

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McNabb and I work out the same: Apparently heading into this game McNabb found himself listed on the injury report for having a “sore wrist.” Uh huh. I’m not sure if McNabb is married, has a girl friend, or even hits dime pieces on the side, but no one just ends up with a sore wrist during the week of a regular season game. Look at the dude. He had like an entire week to kill with nothing to do in Minnesota. You know he was just laid up in his condo, pocket poolin’ until the sun went down to Wendy Nix as she appeared on ESPN. And why not? I mean, she is clearly attractive, he was bored, and it’s not like the option of going to hang out with Double B would have been anymore attractive. Then we’d have two players on the injury report listed with sore hips. That’s the last thing we need. Either way, I’m pretty sure McDonovan is going to be fine and will show up Sunday with a mediocre-to-sub-par game. Perfect!

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We’re already tied for last in the division: That didn’t take long. The Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers took the field last night in the NFL’s opening game and beat the Saints 42-34 in what ESPN and the NFL will tell you was amazing, sexy fashion, and just another sign that the NFL is a superior product that everyone loves. I call bullshit. What it tells me is that the NFL is being boneheads with their rule changes and hand-cuffing this sport like a $5 hooker in an alleyway bukkake so that quarterbacks can do whatever the hell they want. That shit is boring. I don’t care two flying anal beads if Rodgers and Brees put up six touchdowns and over 700 yards of passing. All it says to me is that the defenses either suck, or I’m just watching a glorified practice session. Let the defense hit the quarterback, beat the shit out of receivers, do excessive celebrations, wear torn jerseys and black eye paint, and have coaches strut the sidelines in fine designer suits. The NFL is so god damn watered down and diluted that a team like the Packers winning a game like this means absolutely nothing. I could care less. It was completely manufactured bullshit with zero authenticity or interest, and I’m afraid every single NFL game ever will be like this from here on out. BOO.

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Meme of the week: Haha, this doesn’t relate to anything football really at all but I think it’s hilarious. I’ve seen this kid pop up here and there recently and he’s best described as, like, “Angry at his mom kid” or something like that. If you’re a guy, you know you said something like this before, too. Another one I have seen says “Mom, stop calling everything Nintendo! There’s other systems!” Stupid kids, so focused on worthless, meaningless shit. I can’t wait to tell this little bastard that in 12 years he won’t even have time to play Tetris, let alone put in 80+ hours in a Final Fantasy game. NERD!!!

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Scotch of the week: I bring back to you the scotch of the week, although I’m not 100% sure why I’m recommending this one, because I didn’t actually enjoy it. Whatever. This week we’re featuring the Deanston 12 Highland, a scotch coming in at 40% ABV and is fairly new, since about 1970s. It has a light straw color to it (like a virgin’s pubic hair) and a floraly nose with hints of honey. It’s rather light all around, with a pleasant and long finish, but not extremely satisfying. It is, however, easy to drink because of it’s taste. There are notes of leather, light smoke or heather, and even a slight sugary or sweet taste to it as it was aged in bourbon casks. It tends to be a bit more light for a highland scotch than normal, tasting more like a lowland, but still comes recommended by snobby scotch connoisseurs out there. For me, it’s not exactly my thang, but I could see it being enjoyable with a little bit of water in it to dull it out. I only gave it a two scotch rocks out of five. In essence, you can drink it, it will get you drunk, but it won’t be particularly enjoyable. A resounding “Meh.”

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Boobs and Dudes: I didn’t even bother looking for a shirtless Chargers player because I’ve realized that starts getting really weird and, unless you consistently follow the other teams’ blogs, radio stations, media outlets and whatever else, you’re never really able to track down the really GOOD pictures of shirtless dudes. How disappointing, right? Instead, I did hear about the picture of Plaxico Burress shirtless on the back of the New York Daily News, and he is certainly cut like a diamond. Going to jail will do that to you,

For the men, let’s look at Katy Perry, and more specifically, her boobs. People are back and forth on Perry, and it’s often for legit reasons. I get it. Some like her, some don’t, some hate her music, whatever. It is, however, universally accepted that her chesticles are pure magic, and, quite frankly, if you can’t find one song off her newer album that you like even as a guilty pleasure, you’re either deaf or lying through your face. In either case, that means you suck, so buck up and listen to “Last Friday Night” and stop being a pussy.

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Amazing prognostication: OK, back to football. When it all comes down to it, I think the Chargers are likely to be pretty good this season. I think they’ll easily win the West over KC, Oakland and the horrible Broncos, which means that San Diego will be picking up wins they should be picking up, ie, over teams like the Vikings. I know the Chargers have started slow (like 0-2 or whatever) for … seemingly ten years in a row now, but I get a different feeling about them this year. After finishing first in both offense and defense a season ago and missing the playoffs, and having a QB who can legit sling the ball around the field in a league where the higher-ups only give a shit about young up-and-coming quarterbacks, I wouldn’t find it too outrageous if we get some questionable calls that favor the home team and the QB against us. That, and I’m sure the Chargers are still pissed at Purple Jesus for that whole 296-yards thing. Combine all those revenge and motivation factors and it stacks up as a long day for the Vikings. When your offensive line isn’t very good, your defensive secondary is meh-worthy, and your entire offense is breaking in a new quarterback with a new system, it chalks up as a long day for the visiting team. I got the Chargers winning this one, comfortably but not embarrassingly for us, 31-24.

Enjoy the game, make sure to live Tweet funny stuff so it ends up in the Tweets O’ the Game, and come back Monday for a game recap. Footbal is back, and it smells like an old wooden ship! BOOSH! Finished with another Anchorman reference. You’re welcome.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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