Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game Preview: Saints vs. Vikings

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2009 vs. 2011: Here’s a mind banger for you. It wasn’t even over TWO years ago when the Minnesota Vikings were not far away from getting their shit together and heading down to New Orleans to play the Saints in a game that would determine the NFC representative in the Super Bowl. AND WE ALMOST F*CKING WON. With Brett Favre at the helm, of course, which would have totally sullied any of the accomplishments, but still. This terrible, horrible, embarrassing, sad sack excuse of a team that was coach by Brach effing Childress, was one gun-slinging play away from a Super Bowl. And you know we would have won that game. The Colts were Super Bowl fodder in 2009. We would have waxed that ass, like we almost waxed the Saints. Seriously, in the NFC Championship game that year, we wracked up something ridiculously stupid like 500 yards while holding the Saints to 300, but turned the ball over four times in critical spots. Unreal. Unreal. I had thankfully suppressed most of those memories until just now, so I think as soon as I’m done writing this retrospective, I’m going to go cut myself as the picture suggests. Wake me back up (reanimation, and all. Science!) when the Vikings get to a Super Bowl again. I hate myself.

Oh, I guess there’s another game between the Saints and Vikings this weekend, but holy crap if the resemblance between 2009 and 2011 are nowhere to be found. What a disaster.

Thanks to Randle9311 for another game day preview graphic!

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Damn you Drew Brees: I would really like to hate Drew Brees. He’s one of those guys that’s so good in the league, that he’s bound to have people who turn against him. Right? Vikings fans hate Rodgers (who is amazing), everyone hates Brady, Peyton is a shit head, Rivers is a douche, the list goes on and on. But Brees? Aside from his silly pre-game pump-up ritual, the guy is … just … damn likable. And now, that son of a bitch is even on Sesame Street. GOD DAMMIT … THAT’S JUST SO ACCEPTABLE AND NICE. And he does well in this video. I learned so much about measuring from watching this! I really should thank him. Although I’m surprised their wasn’t a hidden penis measuring reference in there anywhere. I would have definitely thrown it in. The other part to this Brees love/hate relationship is that he may be the only quarterback out there who can put an end to Aaron Rodgers and the Packers’ win streak this season. And, I hate a lot of things, but there’s nothing I hate more than the Packers, so while I might want to try and dislike Drew Brees because he beat my kind-of-favorite-team-I-guess on his way to a Super Bowl, he’s all of a sudden my best friend when he’s facing the Packers. Get it done, Breesus! Use us as sacrificial practice fodder if you need to! Just make us happy eventually!

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Purple Jesus Returns: Purple Jesus has been absent for three games with a high ankle sprain suffered against Oakland, whose team and fans are all assuredly now going to Hell for this transgression. Purple Jesus has been slowly working to get back on the field, gingerly running in practice, working on his cuts, rehab, praying, the usual. Now, as the Vikings sit at 2-100 or whatever our record is, Purple Jesus has declared that – even on an ankle that’s 85% healed – he’s ready to get back in the game this Sunday against the Saints. Many people are sitting there, screaming, turning red in the face, wondering why our million dollar investment and only hope for mankind would bother returning for a team that sucks as much donkey balls as ours does at this point in the year, and not just heal up fully. Well, Purple Jesus had a funny thing to say about why:

  • “It’s very important, especially for my fantasy team owners,” Peterson said with a smile. “They’ve been giving me a hard time.”

Now, as someone who owns PJ in one of my fantasy leagues, this is great news for me to hear when I’m one game away from the championships. And truthfully, even as a Vikings fan, I think this is awesome to hear. It’s little anecdotal pieces of character like this that slip out about the players on the team that make them awesome. Purple Jesus has pride issues and individual statistical reasons to return this season (he’s only 165 yards away from becoming the franchises all-time leading rusher!), but the fact that he even jokes around about coming back because of fantasy football reasons is awesome. I love it. I condone it. And I hope he scores four touchdowns in his return from his tomb.

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#Keel4Kalil: It was announced yesterday that USC starting left tackle, Matt Kalil, will declare for the NFL draft in 2012. This is great news for us on many levels. First, he’s been projected as a top three pick in the draft before he ever declared, as his unique talents and skill sets put him up there with the traditional sought after franchise left tackles. Second, in the past few weeks he’s been wavering between staying at USC and bagging hot, Song Girl poon or declaring for the NFL draft and possible ending up in a shit city like Indianapolis, Minneapolis, or St. Louis. I can understand his wavering. However, with this declaration, I am fully behind the #Keel4Kalil bandwagon. I used “Keel” because I couldn’t think of any other “K” word that induced suckiness, and was thinking “Keel over” worked good enough. I’m also aboard the Kalil train because – as awesome as it’d be to have Justin BlackMan on this team – our offensive line is so disastrous that picking Kalil, moving Charlie Johnson inside, firing our entire front office, and praying to God might make the team better. Might. But we’re talking about a franchise left tackle with him that will road grade for Purple Jesus and protect Ponder’s blindside for the next 10 years. TEN YEARS! And the history of wide receivers taken in the top five isn’t the greatest, especially with someone like BlackMan who is good, but not GOOOOD. We have to pick Kalil, and if we somehow F it all up and win our next two games down the stretch, pushing us back to a third pick, I will straight murder a hoe, I promise you that.

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GIF of the Week: This week’s GIF seemed very appropriate considering the opponent. I’ve seen this GIF used fantastically in threads where someone is posting pictures of shirtless guys and – instead of replying with a inane comment like, “whoa, he’s really muscly!” – they just leave this picture. BOOM! I instantly understand where you are coming from. Well used, well placed, timely with the Saints, and disturbing to think about Drew Brees jerkin’ it after you just watched him on Sesame Street. Ew.

As a side note … When I found this GIF the original file name was simple titled “fap-fap-fappo.” Got it.

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Scotch of the Week: No individual scotch recommendation this week, but I did want to pass along this article from the New York Times that Rich Raven and I were reading recently which covers the whisky’s from Islay, Scotland. This gives you a good insight into the distilling process and provides a bit more knowledge on the whisky’s from Islay, which are some of my favorite. At the end of the article, they list options such as Laphroaig (nice), Ardbeg (featured this two weeks ago), Lagavulin (one of my favorites) and many more. So check it out as you’re trying to kill some time at work today. Then go out to the local liquor store when you’re done, but scotch or whisky (I don’t care) and get wasted. It’s super fun!

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BREASTS: I don’t know who Amy Childs is, but it looks like she may have back problems. Bad for her, good for us. Those look like some things that VIKTOR could hide bags and bags of coke inside. Do you think VIKTOR snorts off of those National Geographic nipples? I bet he does. Awesome. See more at “What Would Tyler Durden Do,” another great site.

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Game Prediction: I think we all have the same expectation for this game, and it’s really for the best. Drew Brees needs a tune-up before he knocks off the Packers, the Vikings need to lose to draft Matt Kalil, and this defense needs to get embarrassed so we can fire Fred Pagac. Anyone not expecting 42-17, Saints, is delusional or smoking some of the greenest weed you’ve ever seen. And I want some, because this game is going to be a massacre. I’m talking like the German’s waltzing into Poland and extinguishing all life there. But nicer, because of Drew Brees. So maybe more like Katrina drowning the city of New Orleans just so the city can get a Super Bowl as a reward. That’s nice, right? Assholes.

Anyway, hold on to your butts, shit is going to get ugly. Start any and all Saints players you have in your fantasy playoffs, join us for a Game Thread here on Sunday, and pray that this season ends swiftly. God speed to all of us.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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