Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Six Preview: The Truth is, We Only Have One Hope

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Let’s put this prime time showdown in perspective:
First and foremost, no matter how depressing the Vikings are as a football team and/or organization, I can not find any fault with having your team play in prime time. Watching the different camera angles the Sunday and Monday night games use (oh, and they ARE different!), the gravity of Al Michaels or … Mike Tirico, I guess … calling the plays, and the entire NATION’S attention focused squarely on your team’s hopes and dreams is pretty titillating. Even when the game just ends up being Joe Webb trying to put a single touchdown on a Bears defense at TCF Bank Stadium in 2010, that shit was entertaining football. And it shouldn’t be, but it is, and I am totally OK with that.

And yes. The Vikings are terrible this year. The offensive line is as bad as Chicago’s, the quarterback is a complete arms-flailing disaster, and our defense lets more guys run through it than Scarlett Johansson. Jesus, do some kegels already, lady. And you too, Vikings defensive backfield! But despite all this, it’s ALMOST crazy enough to think that if the Vikings can beat the Bears on Sunday night IN Chicago, that the team can maybe, just maybe, right the ship enough to keep the season almost entertaining, fight and claw back towards .500 football, and tease us just enough until the Packers kick our faces into a mud pile. But just imagine if the team wins! Think of how many of our die-hard friends we all know will spout off for at least a week that the Vikes are turning the corner, that we’re competitors again, that we have a chance! Winning this game and tossing the franchise out of the Suck 4 Luck campaign so this happens MIGHT almost be worth it, because when those fans come crashing back down to the sad reality that the Vikings are no better than the Gophers (OK, maybe a LITTLE), it will back YOU feel better inside. Because you’re a bad person. But hey, join the club.

Thanks to K I L L E R C H E F for another great Game Day Graphic Preview!

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Are the Bears really that bad? Most everyone is familiar with the Bears now since they were shown getting abused by the vaunted Lions defensive line on Monday Night Football last week. Everyone is quick to make judgements that this team is pretty terrible, as their 2-3 record would indicate. Technically, they are better than our sorry excuse for a team, so I guess we should just shut up, but we at least have an excuse. We just went through a coaching change, brought in a new QB who knows this system as well as a knows what it’s like to walk into a semen-free shower stall in a college dormitory, and our team generally is talentless and sucks. The Bears on the other hand have a QB who SHOULD be a Pro-Bowler (except his frowns-per-attempt really hurt his QB rating), a defensive end that has had a more illustrious career than Cher, a likely Hall-of-Famer at middle linebacker that likely also has syphillis, and an all purpose running back that I would NEVER consider trading straight up for Purple Jesus if it meant we could have competent QB play for 15 years. Oh, and have you looked at their coaching staff? All former head coaches. Lovie Smith clearly leads the way for Mike Martz, Mike Tice, and Rod Marinelli, and yet they are 2-3. So sure, they may have a better record than the Vikings, but my god, this team is bad.

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Can Purple Jesus continue his Bear killing ways? We all know humans use like 10% of their brain capacity, unless their trying really hard to visualize that hot piece of ass (male or female!) they saw in the cross walk out of their peripherals later than night while wanking it. When more brain power is needed, some items are forgotten. When you get married, you’ll likely remember that day for the rest of your life, and it will be a memory implanted in your head at the expense of, say, your 5th birthday party when someone came dressed up as a Ninja Turtle. Shit happens. However, I know one thing I will NEVER forget in my entire life is Purple Jesus’ first game ever against the Bears at Soldier Field, where he walked up and down, all game long, trouncing that Oprah Winfrey Chicago ass like a BOSS, including taking a late game kick-off into field goal range for a Ryan Longwell game winner. G.T.F.O. That shit was awesome, and despite a potential win doing more harm than good for the Vikings this year, I would pay you my kingdom of cat droppings to see that happen again. LOVE IT.

And I know we have several readers of this blog from the Chicago area, so anything you can do to fill us in on your memories of Bears/Vikings games, or other general Chicago douchery going on right now, feel free to do so in the comments!

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Thank you Mike Tice! The only reason anyone is talking about the Vikings having even a remote shot in this game is because of the ridiculously terrible job Mike Tice has done with the Bears offensive line. I have no idea what is going on over there, and frankly I don’t care. While I hold no personal ill-will towards Mike Tice, outside of him being the de-facto man in charge when Moss was originally traded, he is doing as good of a job as a drowned hobo in coaching that offensive line in Chicago. How he still has a job is beyond me, and honestly, I have no idea how a city liek Chicago has put up with Lovie Smith for so long. All I know is that, after a year in which they were one game away from a winnable Super Bowl against the Steelers, if this team starts 2-4, there is going to be some shit flying, and I hope someone gets the axe. Lovie deserves it. He’s a Tony Dungy wannabe that doesn’t have the same pedigree. Oh, wow, you made it to a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman. You know how they always say that thing about a million monkeys in a room typing Shakespeare? That was exactly what happened for Lovie Smith to get that far. STOOPID.

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Meme of the week:  Oh yeah, PREACH, naked cartoon dude. We’ve had a nice little run of 8 degree weather days in Minnesota here, but that shit is OVA now. For those of you who don’t live in the state (lucky!), it’s been rainy, cloudy, a bit windy, and generally cooler and depressing, reminding us all that that cold bitch winter is ready to fork our buttholes pretty soon. BUT. Don’t let that trick you into thinking you want summer all the time. How easy it is to forget that, unless you’re a rich white fat cat working for the MAN and living in homes with CENTRAL AIR like a SULTAN, the rest of us peasants had to deal with window air conditioning units that didn’t work, and an impossible way to regulate our body temperature at night … except for this scientific method of one-foot-under-the-sheet cooling technique. Works, every time. And you can go to hell, summer.

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Scotch of the week: I’ll be honest here, I usually have tested all of the different scotches I recommend before I place them here in front of you, but I’ve been so busy crying over the Vikings season (hahaha, yeah right!) that I haven’t actually tried this one. However, it doesn’t mean we can’t all still talk about scotch! Today then, we’re highlighting the Aberlour 12, which does come highly recommended “from a friend” (See: Hooker; Dead). I’ve seen Aberlour’s around a lot, and they can be found at a fairly reasonable rate, give or take $35.00 – $60.00 depending on where you’re buying. All reviews (well, the ONE review I skimmed, barely) mentions the Aberlour 12 as the kind of scotch I tend to enjoy; golden in color, aged in a sweet-wood cask, hints of maltiness, and a couple of flavor notes which include citruses, maple syrup, and cookies. F*CKING COOKIES! You can drink those now, apparently. In conclusion of this academic review, I have decided that if I were to find an Aberlour 12 at a reasonable price (~$40.00 or so) I would for sure pick up a bottle to add to my collection, and therefore you should do.

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More ESPN the Body: I did my best to post these pictures together on Bloguin, so don’t laugh. Truthfully, you need to see both of these pictures in large scale form. If you ever needed to make the argument to some weirdo that the female body is objectively more attractive than the male body, I would suggest showing them these two pictures and specifically pointing at the two butts. The first one we have is Apollo Ohno, the speed skater, who looks like he has a tail or something growing out of his flat pancake butt, despite having a pretty rock solid muscular structure otherwise. Sorry, but (pun intended), an ugly ass? YOU’RE OUT.

On the other hand, you have Stephanie Gilmore, a surfer, who has what looks like a FANTASTIC fart cutter. However, she’s probably less athletic, muscular, and whatever than Apollo, but who effing cares. She wins on butt alone, and if you argue I will fight you. PS: Both of these images are credited to ESPN, so please don’t sue.

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Sunday Night Football predictions: Call me a crazy Mexican for thinking this, but I have this feeling that the Vikings are going to pull out a win this weekend. And this pisses me off, for numerous reasons. First and foremost, if we win this weekend it definitely puts us out of the Suck 4 Luck campaign. We can’t win to the Bears, despite them having a down year this season. They are clearly the more talented team possibly being coached even worse than we are, but probably 8 times out of 10 they SHOULD win. So hopefully they do this weekend. More so, if the Vikings win it is just a worthless win overall. So we go to 2-4. Big deal. We’re not going to the playoffs, so what does 2-4 help with? Pride? I don’t give a shit about that. We all know that if this team had and pride and even self respect that they would have dropped double Bitch Bits months ago. But they didn’t, so you know we’re weasels. And despite that … Man, that Bears team is bad. And damn … Purple Jesus is SO good. Can the Bears D be beat up enough that even McFlab can complete a pass against them? Can Purple Jesus continue to run angry and break more Bear ankles in Jesus Traps? … I … I kind of hope so. I’d love to embarrass the Bears, even if it meant it was done to our own detriment. And so here I am, predicting a Vikings win, something like 24-21. COOL!

Thanks again for stopping by, friends, and if you would be such a kind soul, please help this blog by retweeting and Facebook liking the SHIT out of this post. It actually helps and means something to this blog. As always, keep on Tweeting and following us during the game or drop us messages in the comments, and enjoy the game, if you’re able. See you Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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