Purple Jesus Diaries’ Masturbatory Game Two Preview: Failure in the Air

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The title has a double meaning!
Because last week there was failure THROUGH the air thanks to McNabb’s scathing 39 yards total in passing (DYNAMIC!) AND because it’s a turn of phrase people use. “Ah, I wake up and stroll through Minneapolis and you can just SENSE the failure in the air!” Hahaha, we are such a great sports town! Either way, McNabb is being given all the opportunity in the world to try and have a bounce back game in his second start as a Minnesota Viking when the team takes on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this Sunday at the Metrodome. People skewer McNabb (well, and the defense …) for the loss last weekend, but people seem to forget that Brett Favre’s first game as a Viking was pretty uninspiring too in Cleveland, and without Purple Jesus crucifying a shitty team as it were, the Favre era may have started out like poop too. So cut this fatty pants McNabb some slack and let’s see what he can do at home. Tampa Bay is a solid, young team that might just be crazy enough to win, but I still like our chances to right the love boat and not look like a over flowing bag of suck this weekend.

SO LET’S GET JACKED AND PREVIEW THE HELL OUT OF THIS FOOTBALL GAME. And thanks to IrishBastard over at Rube Chat for another game day preview graphic!

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Tampa Bay is the perfect Madden team: I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I use to play Madden (best version is 2006 on PS2, without question) I would always sim through a season, pick the absolute worst team possible (Browns, Bengals, Giants, Oakland, Cards, etc.) and then start a franchise with them by robbing people through free agency and draft building. I’d always end up with a high draft pick which I’d use on a thoroughbred quarterback, stellar running back or bad ass linebacker and then just run roughshod over the league. AHAHAHA, THIS SHITTY TEAM IS EMBARRASSING YOU NOW! It was fun, and easy, and I refuse to do this in the new Madden games because every single iteration on the next gen systems has sucked horse sausage. I hate it. Either way, this Tampa Bay team coming into the Dome on Sunday is kind of like one of those Madden teams I would use. A couple of young cornerstones that are legitimately good and some old reliable veterans (Ronde Barber is the southern version of Winfield) that you just refuse to get rid of. This all adds up to the fact that I think I kind of like this team, think they have potential, and wouldn’t at all be surprised if they come in to our stadium and roll our stupid ass.

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Thus starts the Metrodome farewell tour: This is also the first real home game for the team (we don’t count preseason or any game in which Christian Ponder starts for us yet) this season, and potentially the farewell tour for the Metrodome. With no lease or contract for the team to continue playing here after this year, it’s left pretty open as to whether we are beginning to tick off the last times the team and the fans have to go to the Dome. Most would be happy for this, but – even though I refuse to financially support this stupid team or the NFL anymore so naturally I don’t bother going there anyway – I do have fond memories of the Dome and still like knowing that the team plays there. Could it use some improvements? Sure. They DID just finally take down Brett Favre’s huge banner outside of the gate at 6th and Chicago. That’s noteworthy and it looks great! They put Percy up instead, which is nice. Regardless, maybe people need to take a step back and say “Hey, maybe the stadium doesn’t matter so much. Maybe if the fans stopped doing the god damn wave during a game it wouldn’t matter where we played; the game would still be awesome.” I don’t know where I’m going with this besides trying to say that I think the Dome is fine, the fans are morons, and Brett Favre is a piece of shit.

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The defense is in trouble this week: Practice notes from this week make it sound like starting middle linebacker EJ Henderson is in real trouble of starting this week as he’s got some knee issue going on. That’s bad news since the top backup, Jasper Brinkley, is already on IR for the year and Kevin Williams is still out for one more game due to trying to lose some weight and the NFL being a bunch of cock suckers. That leaves the middle of the defense sounding REALLY stupid, stupid like an Adam Sandler movie. And when you end up facing a running back that’s not afraid of punching white people in the face, I’d be a bit worried about the kind of numbers he is likely to put up. If EJ’s out, who steps in? Does Erin move to the middle? Can Xavier Adibi play MLB? Can we just put Winfield there, or clone him at least? Not like that would help this week as CLEARLY cloned people need to have development time even if accelerated (just ask Jango Fett), and even if we did move Antoine to linebacker (why not at this point) then the Bucs would just pass. “Oh, Chris Cook? Hahaha, Problem, Vikings? TOUCHDOWN!” This team is in for some trouble.

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Meme of the week: I came across this comic today and almost lost my shit (Click picture to see full size). Mainly it had to do with Picard’s face in the last frame, but it partially had to do with the hideous looking … “female?” …. that is allegedly his daughter. I’m pretty sure if that was my child I would kill it with fire. Not a chance I would let my own reputation get destroyed because my god damn child is so ugly. Also, this pretty much sells me out as a huge nerd face, but any Star Trek meme is usually a pretty good one. Really, any meme based on any TV show where they take the characters you may know and love out of their normal context and make them creepy as shit or sexy as all get out is probably pretty funny. So there you go. Some pretty deep thoughts about making fun of people. SLEEP ON THAT, DAWG.

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/benriach-12.jpgScotch of the Week: After last week’s less than impressive suggestion, I’m coming back and upping the ante a little bit with a recommendation for Benriach 12 from Speyside. This is a nice little scotch coming in at 46% ABV, and it’s priced pretty fairly too. Some quick looks online place it anywhere between $40 – $60, which is a decent price for a strong scotch like this. It will be a bit lighter with a touch of sweetcorn color, almost golden. It also has notes of vanilla, pear and some kind of spice … a little bit of a smell of actual fire (not smoke) or maybe some pepper and citrus. It was aged in some new American oak barrels (usually whiskey’s) which give it a bit of sweetness. You end up tasting many of those nose notes, particularly the pear and even a bite of something like ginger. Depending on if you add some water, you even get some of that pepper flavor. It ends up being rather satisfying but is softer, not a big bite like a Peat Monster or something, but a nice smooth finish. It actually is a bit surprising since you’re not expecting that from such a lighter looking scotch. Maybe you can just call it a crazy bitch or something then, because as nice as it looks on top, you know lurking below there’s some shit that is going to freak you out (often in a good way). I give it three and a half drams out of five.

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Scarlett Johansson got naked this week online: I don’t have any shirtless guys for you today. Sorry, but not really. Instead, we should really discuss the greatest news in all the land in Scarlett Johansson FINALLY leaking out some nude shots of her large breasts onto the internet. For years and years, ever since Ghost World, I’ve been waiting to see what those mammaries look like uninhibited. And finally! Finally you can go to What Would Tyler Durden Do and see those hustlers in all of their glory! And …. I guess I was kind of disappointed. She looks super plain and her boobs look like …. boobs. Whatever. I’ve seen tons on the internet in real life before. I don’t know what it is, but she’s lost her luster and that makes me and my penis have a sad trombone and makes me wonder if I should head to the doctor to have my prostate checked if for no other reason than the stimulation. Don’t get me wrong, I totally cranked one out to the pictures, but it didn’t feel like the reward of 10 years of waiting, which is sad. Also, she’s had sex with like a trillion people, and that is a bit of a deterrent, ya know?

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Tiring predictions: Not so surprisingly, I’m an amazing prognosticator when it comes to the regular season and of course picked the game correctly last week. I gave the Vikings way too much credit though in predicting they would score more than 20 points. Will make stupid mistakes like that again?? Likely. Very likely, in fact. But for some reason I kind of like our chances here. As desperate as our team is to try for a youth movement we’re still old and slow, but WISE. The Bucs are the opposite of that, and something is going to have to give. Will their d-line be able to stop Purple Jesus? McNabb can’t POSSIBLY throw for only 39 yards again, right? Will the defense be able to do just enough to stop the Bucs from raping our face? I don’t know about them, but I do think the offense will have a rebound game and will look more like what we saw in the preseason against the Cowboys which, really, was pretty good. Will it be enough to top the Bucs? It’ll be close. I can easily see a bit of a nail-biter of a game here, one that the Vikings win though, which may be more trouble then it’s worth. The fans will get re-energized, think we still have a chance this year, and it will put us one win further away from Andrew Luck. I hope this win is worth it for all you people who want to see this franchise set back even further! Either way, I have succumbed to the fact (am excited to predict?) that the Vikings will win 24-20 in a close game.

Enjoy the weekend. I hope you all get sloppy drunk and give/receive a middle school hand job at some point. Be sure to check us out on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and leave comments during the game for next week’s Tweets O’ the Game, and come back Monday as we tear down this football team. Looking forward to it already!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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