Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game Four Preview: College Football in the Pros!

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This game is going to suck:
Put a magic helmet made of hollowed out Skittle shells on for a second and try to even imagine what this game is going to be like tonight. You have a rookie, Christian Ponder, starting for our team at quarterback. The receivers you’re going to see catching the ball go by names of Emmanuel, Camarillo, Jaymar and Iglesias. I will fondle your balls if you can name an offensive linemen playing for either the Vikings or the Texans in the fourth quarter. This game is going to be a smorgasbord of no name college kids who all of a sudden are having their heart gripped with the frightful reality that, shit, they may not be a super star like they thought they were. How terrifying, right? Welcome to my world, kids.

On the plus side, for us fans at least, you get to go to a Vikings game on a Thursday night. That’s … maybe kind of fun. Having football games on abnormal nights always seems special and exciting. Personally, I don’t like that they NFL ruined it by always having a Thursday night game on the NFL network. Thursday night is college football night, Community, Archer, Parks & Recreation, Louie on FX, The League, 30 Rock and The Office, in that order. I have no time or room for NFL football consistently on Thursdays, and I won’t stand for it. And no, I don’t have a DVR and refuse to watch things consistently after the fact. I’M TOO CUTTING EDGE FOR THAT! So praise and screw you NFL, all at once, which is pretty much how I feel about this last preseason game anyway, so let’s get to it.

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Who you won’t see play from the Texans: Well, I’m guessing Arian Foster, as his hamstring has white stuff all around it or something. Can you have semen on your hamstring? Why would I ask that of him? Qommie should know that answer. I would also guess Andre Johnson won’t play (good, I have him in one fantasy league) and for heaven’s sakes, you can’t have such a valuable asset like Matt Schaub play in a game like this, can you??! Haha, just kidding, he probably has a broken pelvis right now anyway. I’m trying to think … the Texans have Mario Williams who, despite being asked to play outside linebacker this season despite him clearly being an awesome defensive end and not being named “Clay Matthews,” was still a better draft choice than taking Reggie Bush. My god. Remember that? People are clearly idiots. Also, I think the Texans have some CB that the Vikings wanted to draft a couple years ago, as well as that other Matthews brother from Oregon that is a rookie this year. I would have been happy if the Vikings had drafted him, because I would have really enjoyed watching him and Clay make-out on the 50-yard line after every Packer/Vikings game. So arousing.

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The wife suggests instead: The wife at home could give two shits about the Vikings (couldn’t we all?!) and quite frankly I don’t blame her. When and if she starts talking shit about college football though, and playing with my emotions around that, IT IS OFF. So I asked her what she would rather watch instead of a worthless Vikings game Thursday night, between 7-9PM. The options she suggested include:

  • Dodgeball (ends at 8PM)
  • My First Place
  • Selling New York

Dodgeball is a pretty good movie. It’s not one of Ben Stiller’s best characters, but he is memorable there, particularly the scene where he’s masturbating with pizza. Who would have guessed that would be my favorite part from that movie? Also, I don’t recall “My First Place” too well, but if it’s anything like the other HGTV shows that follow morons who don’t know what they’re doing when buying a cheap house, than it will be full of wonderful times making fun of people. “Selling New York” is a similar scenario, except you’re just making fun of the super rich. And you’re crying inside because you could never afford some of the places shown, which really, aren’t as big as your studio apartment’s closet. I would make one of those small places smell so bad when I poop there. So, if you have a lady friend who doesn’t want to watch football, here you go. Get her a portable TV and lock her in the basement.

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Players to watch: Keep your eyes peeled, ladies, this may be the last time you see some of these guys play! Well, not all of them, but some of them. Regardless, these guy will probably get a lot of burn while the actual locks to make the team will sit back and check out the blonde drunks in the stands. Here’s who I’m watching:

Christian Ballard: Everson Griffen is getting a shot at outside linebacker this game, largely because Ballard has been having such a redonkulous training camp and the coaching staff is pretty confident he can step in this season and contribute. I don’t know if that says more about Griffen being unimpressive, our linebackers sucking, or Ballard being awesome, but I’m at least hoping it means ONE of our draft picks was a good draft pick this year, because Pondexter isn’t helping the case.

Larry Dean: With the news this week that Jasper Brinkley has the Sidney Rice hip injury and may miss the entire season, there has been lots of talk about rookie Larry Dean stepping in to the vacant role and helping out. This is surprising to me, because … didn’t we, like, JUST pick him up? Like a week ago? I wasn’t following him very closely, so I guess I better do so now, especially if he starts playing serious minutes for us. Aaaannnnddd, Jimmy Dean? That’s all I can think of with this guy.

Tyrell Johnson: Well, OK, this actually may be his last game as a Viking if he ends up playing well. It doesn’t sound like he’s being doing great this training camp, and the Terrorist and the Foam Partier are being given every opportunity to steal Johnson’s contract. My feeling is: I have no feeling. It’s Tyrell Johnson. I’d rather have just traded that pick for Randy Moss.

Caleb King: I don’t remember seeing him play last week. Anyone else? People were still talking big about him as well as being a solid pick up from the supplemental draft, and really anything is better than Toby Gerhart. So we’ll see. Also, his name makes him sound Cajun, doesn’t it? BB King, maybe? That has to be what I’m thinking of.

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Not a single F was given: In an effort to create more anger on this blog (because clearly there’s not enough) we’re featuring a weekly item of something we strongly dislike, maybe even hate. Today, it’s the wave at sporting events.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? The wave is a relic of the 1980s and even then, it wasn’t cool. Except now people aren’t being trendy or retro by doing it, they just looking (and sound) like banshees getting raped with a foghorn. Here is what you’re doing, step-by-step. Looking to your left to watch people stand, yell, throw their arms up, and sit back down. When the person (or persons) around you do likewise, you also do likewise, and then watch as the person to your right now does likewise. You stand. You go “aaaaAAAWWWWuuuuu.” You put your hands in the air. You turn your head. You sit back down. That is so f*cking stupid I can’t even begin to describe it. And what’s worse? There’s actually a real, honest to god, sporting event going on in front of you. Sure, if it’s baseball I can understand people getting bored and wanting to chat with a friend, check their phone, pocket pool it to the hot girl six rows down, but participate in the wave? Horrible. Terrible. And you’re a horrible person for it. If I see anyone doing the wave it automatically changes my opinion of them in the worst way possible. That girl with the huge tits? Well, she’s obviously a bimbo. That rich looking guy in the suit? Welp, he comes from new money and has no real class. What a dick. That eight year old? He has AIDS, clearly. See? Everyone. Hate them all.

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Meme comic of the week:  This isn’t a particularly funny meme comic by any means, but I was scanning through some and hit this and all I could think about was 5th and 6th street in Minneapolis right outside the Metrodome and just how much I god damn hate those roads. Have you been on them recently? Up until about a month and a half ago, 5th Street exit off of 94 was like driving through Iraq if I wasn’t a pussy and actually entered the army and drove through Iraq. In fact, I recently had to replace a tire because I got a nail in it, allegedly, but I’m pretty sure it was because I drove over a pothole the size of a brain and it punched a hole in my tire. Obnoxious. They finally re-paved it and I swear it is an entire new world. It’s like I’m driving on velvet tires over a virgins labia. I almost fall asleep and get into accidents when I’m driving there now. Only on 5th Street though, 6th Street still sucks, and conveniently it’s outside the Metrodome. Naturally, the road sucks because the Dome sucks (even though I love it). Make sense? Good. Also, I just love that “Sweet baby jesus” face a whole lot.

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Scotch item of the week: Who knew, but there is a recommended style of glass for people to drink scotch out of. These, after a bit of research, are apparently Riedel Vinum Single Malt Scotch Glasses, a set of TWO! Yes, they are a bit dusty. I have been lucky enough to receive two of them and have clearly used them multiple times. I don’t know quite what it is, but they do work pretty good in allowing for maximum flavor to escape from the scotch onto your palette. Allegedly, part of it is the curve of the lip of the glass, which allows the booze juice to expand over the tongue better, allowing you to cue in on particular flavors and notes. I don’t disagree with this, however I’m truly no scotch connoisseur either. Really, my favorite part of drinking scotch is catching an awesome buzz. And while you can certainly do that with these glasses, it should be noted that they are more useful for a slow, meandering sipping during the evening, and not a Don Draper, I hate my life and and drinking my marriage away, type of night. For that, I still like to use a lowball with one or two ice cubes and cry myself to sleep. Works, every time!

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Boosting my page views with sexy pictures of nude underaged Selena Gomez hentai stipper sex:

For the guys, I’m dropping some Selena Gomez on your ass. She’s 18 now, right? Unfortunately, I’ve been listening to a lot of Spotify recently and they have her song come on during the commercials quite often. It’s catchy as shit, in both a good and bad way, but since you also get to see a picture of her when it happens it becomes a win-win.

The the ladies, I found out that Brian Cushing is a Texan now, and he has (or had) a shirtless picture floating around. It’s nothing special. I mean, you don’t even get to see a shade of penis area or anything, but we’ve been missing out on teams that have shirtless guys floating around recently so I really wanted to highlight him. For the women, of course. Unfortunately, he also looks retarded, but, hey, he’s a white football player. What do you expect?

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Whatever predictions: Last preseason game, backups versus backups … I’m not sure who will suck less and win by default. On one hand, we have Pondexter starting the game and likely playing the majority of the snaps. On the other hand, the Texans have Matt Leinart, and god … that guy is just terrible. I mean, sure, he HAS NFL experience but … yeah, he’s bad. I may be crazy to say this, but I almost feel that the Vikings have more depth. I know, I know … Asher Allen, amirite?! … But can anyone take the Texans seriously yet? I don’t think so. And really, if the Vikings win this game then they go 2-2 on the season which, extrapolated over a 16 game schedule, would mean we go 8-8, which is probably a pretty accurate guess. With rookies and backups and guys about to get cut playing in this game though, it makes the entire process of predicting the game stupid. Will the rookies go off for 70 points because they’re playing a bunch of other flat faced goofballs? Or will they all suck equally and offer the fans a game score of 2-Love? Who knows, but to be entertaining I’m going to predict a score of the Vikings winning, 19-18. I think I got this one in the bag.

Enjoy the “game” and just think, the next time we do this it will be for REAL MARBLES. In the meantime, make sure you mention us in your game Tweets, or at the very least follow us so we know to follow you for Tweets O’ the Game and all that stuff. Maybe we should use a hashtag? #PJDToG? @PJDVikes? #PJDSucks? Actually, someone has already used that last one, so lets not. Anyway, have any ideas just let me know. Enjoy the pissing fest.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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