Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game One Preview – All Tease, No Rooster

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By “rooster” I mean cock, and by that I of course mean “cock tease” which of course is in reference to the idea of preseason games being nothing but little cock teases, but at this point, after the shitty, god-forsaken offseason the NFL went through, where they dragged our nuts across a grater just for the sadistic pleasure of it all, Vikings football is REALLY, KIND OF, ACTUALLY BACK! We can all once again be witnesses to false starts from Ryan Cook, veteran quarterbacks who aren’t guaranteed more than a year on the books, Jaymar Johnson looking good before going on IR and Mike Mayock analyzing our preseason game with a lisp. But you know what? Brad Childress isn’t on the sidelines. In fact, he’s kind of like a forgotten hemorrhoid. We still have Purple Jesus. He’s, kind of, a really good football player still, I guess. And that Percy Harvin guy, he knows how to split the gap, if you know what I mean. I could watch him do that all night long on Saturday. We could play a game: Whoever pops a boner last to Percy Harvin has to eat the muffin. The muffin is actually delicious though. Percy made it during the his down time this week. There’s weed in it.

So get that blood flowing, because we’re about to watch some Minnesota Vikings football. AT GOD DAMN LAST. Let’s break this busty match-up down in our weekly preview:

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What to watch for on Tennesse: It’s always fun matching up against AFC teams in the preseason, because as an NFC team we never get to see them, and also because I have no idea what’s going on with the other team. I HOPE STEVE MCNAIR PLAYS WELL! Oooohhhhh … Here’s what I know about the Titans, and what I’ll be interested in watching from them:

1. They have Chris Johnson. He’s being a giant slab of bloody roast beef this preseason and has refused to show up at training camp, holding out to be the highest paid running back in the league. Here’s the deal, bra strap, you’re not even the best running back in the league, so why would you get paid like one? I believe that person is on our team, and he hasn’t been a huge pussy this offseason. Suck it up. You just turned a marquee match-up of stellar running backs into a smush fest of shitty rookie quarterbacks. BRAVO, JACKOFF.

2. They have Jake Locker. Remember when many of you warblers were praying to your false gods to get Jake Locker in purple? You people suck. Locker is a buffoon, throws like Chris Kluwe, and is as good of a quarterback as Tim Tebow. I can’t wait to see our third string fatties in the middle of the defense place his face where his poop comes out of.

3. The Titans wear baby blue. I like that color. I literally know nothing else about the Titans. I think they have Cortland Finnegan at cornerback, but wasn’t he arrested recently? Shot himself or hit a stripper or something? He’s surprisingly a black guy, and not an Irishman who eats potatoes all the time. Who would have thought.

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Eye on the Offense: Fans who actually have to work day jobs during the week and used their vacation time to travel outside of county lines who couldn’t go down to Mankato to watch Vikings minicamp are going to get their first extended look at many new players, schemes, features, and improvements on both the offense and the defense. Exciting! It’s like opening presents on Christmas, but this Christmas our dad lost his job, mom left us, and we got a Match Box Car as our only gift. Oh, and we’re 45, living with our father still, hence, this season might suck. Regardless, I am kind of excited to see the following:

1. Quarterback Play: Will McNabb look like a morning-after mistake? Will Joe Webb continue to impress? Will Ponder get extra snaps as a rookie quarterback who just missed an entire offseason? Is that drunk Rhett Bomar still on the team?

2. Wide Receiver Battle: We have so many receivers on this team (much to BB’s delight!) and someone really needs to separate themselves or it’ll end up being an orgy of bodies doing nothing very exciting. I would like to see what Aromashadu brings (he’s had a couple of good days of camp recently), what Manny Arceneaux is all about (is he French? French-Canadian?), and hope that Jaymar Johnson finally does something to ensure he stays off of the practice squad. But then that still leaves, like, 12 other players off the team. What if one of those guys impresses? Can we cut #87 then? THE INTRIGUE!

3. The No-Namers: Who is the no-name jackalope that is going to impress everyone? Who is going to be a star against third stringers that is going to cause every Vikings fan to say “I HOPE WE SIGN HIM TO A 10 YEAR DEAL RIGHT NOW!” My guess is this full back they have in camp, Matt Asiata, some guy who played for Utah, I guess. He’s sounded good, and hell, why not. You got a better anonymous loser?

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Eye on the Defense: Likewise, the Vikings defense is in need of some good old fashioned plugging up after they showed fairly strong to start the 2010 season (the offense was really the worst offender) but then faded towards the end as they said to themselves, “You know what? Those guys on the other side of the ball are TERRIBLE. I think we’re kind of sick of shoulder their load.” Also, losing Cedric and having to put up with Madieu didn’t help. But here are some defensive highlights to watch:

1. Defensive line: How will Robison look in full time action? Will he help cement the line in Ray Ray’s absence? What other defensive tackle will step up next to Kevin Williams? Did Everson the Magical Griffen really make strides this offseason? I think there are a couple of rookies on the line (some DE out of Arizona we drafted too?) that have potential. It’ll be interested to see how they play.

2. Linebacker Help: With Leber gone there is a hole the size of your mother’s gap at linebacker for the first time in years. What large football player will fill it and satisfy everyone? Erin Henderson has been getting the most reps as the other started, but is there anyone else who could step in? I honestly have no idea. We have terrible linebacker depth. My only wish is that if both Henderson’s end up starting that we get to call this unit “Greenway and the Henderson’s” like Harry and the … Never mind.

3. Terrorist Safeties: I, for one, am excited to see how Hussain Abdullah does at the safety position, this year even if it’s not likely this preseason game. If you didn’t know, he was busy getting secret, black intel ops information from the President this week, under the guise of some terrorist holiday. Don’t worry though guys, while he is planning to blow something up soon, it’s just going to be the Metrodome so we get a new stadium instead. Sounds OK by me. Also, something about Eric Frampton, Tyrell Johnson, and Mistral Foam Party. They play safety too.

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Ha Ha Ha: Sooooo …. Just a little nibble of something. FORMER Minnesota Viking Tarvaris Jackson, aka, TarVar Jumpass, made his debut as a Seattle Seahawk last night and … well … holy shit if it wasn’t 1,000,000% predictable. Let’s take a look at his stat line:

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Now, in his defense, he didn’t throw an interception and I didn’t bother watching his insulting performance, but I did read plenty of Tweets about the game and can tell that a 3/5 night with 13 total yards sounds about what I would expect from Tarvaris. That’s been his MO his entire career. Word has it that on his second pass attempt he was pressured, back pedaled, jumped like a gazelle and threw the ball for a dump off of two yards. My! Have we ever seen something like that before??! Sure, people may want to argue that it’s only the preseason, that Tarvaris is on a new team, adjusting to stuff, that the offseason was shortened … but Charlie Whitehurst didn’t look like a bag of dildos out there. He looked reasonably like a passing starter and, unlike Travis, Whitehurst IS learning this offense for the first time. TJ has played in it for five f*cking years and is still doing the same old shit. It’s amazing, and I feel totally vindicated for having him go to Seattle and having Sidney follow him. Good f*cking luck you two inbreds. Enjoy under thrown balls and an injured quarterback by week two.

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Meme of the Week: You bet your ass the Meme of the week is back. Last year we went more of a traditional route and provided you with some of the classic memes. What I’ve really been into lately are the comic memes with some of the old and new rage faces. Don’t know all the Rage Faces? Well, you better beef up and find out, because this season will be the perfect time to use them. Examples: Ponder throws an interception on his first pass as a pro, even in a preseason game: Rage Face. Frazier goes for a two point conversion to prevent overtime in a preseason game, gets it, and wins: Awww Yeeaah Rage Face. The possibilities are seriously endless. Anyway, this week is a rage comic that rings true with all married men I believe. Don’t know what it’s referencing? Then you’re either single and having an amazing time or you are a whore of a wife and a wonderful woman. Either way, congrats!

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Increasing My Site Views with Boobs/Shirtless Men: This blog is clearly at the point where we can try to explore a couple of different options with the page views. Certainly, shirtless men have increased in value around here but I would be neglectful if I stopped posting a hint of breasticles here and there as well. As such, here’s a link to a picture of Titans running back Chris Johnson with his shirt off, and of course I have provided you with a picture of a Tennessee Titans cheerleader who has exquisite upper body proportions. Going forward, we will likely look at rotating the images (woman to man, back to woman, etc.) or posting whichever one is most impressive. This week, if you Google image search “Tennesee Titans Shirtless” (You know it) you get a lot of pictures of Vince Young, and, hey, he’s not even a Titan any more so it didn’t make sense. Therefore you get Chris Johnson, ladies. Either way, a nice consolation prize.

By the way, what’s with that girls face? She’s going like “Ooo! Yeah, I’m bad!” Very unbecoming, but totally not preventing my desire to motorboat.

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Meaningless Predictions: Preseason games are always weird. Clearly, they mean absolutely nothing in terms of wins and losses (remember when the Lions went 4-0 and then 0-16? Hilarious!) and it always turns out, or seems to, that the worse team wins. Sooooo … that means the Vikings are shoe ins? I would think so. Their team probably is just as or less talented than the Titans (but really, what do I know), less depth, face a challenge on the road, and just aren’t very good. Of course, these things all pretty much rang true last year when Joe Webb went in to Philadelphia on a Tuesday night and beat the Eagles. Sometimes, football is really stupid. As is, I’ll go ahead then and say that the Vikings end up winning much like the terrible Seahawks did last night, late in the game through turnovers. Vikings, 24-21, and a FANTASTIC start to the 2011 season! However, be prepare to expect no more wins, mind you.

Enjoy the first game of the new year, kids, and return on Monday for the game recap where we dish out Mushroom Stamps, game highlights, and generally act curmudgeonly. Can’t wait!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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