Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Primetime Game Preview: Prepare to get Shirtless

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Take your shirt off:
Ooooh, yeah girl. I know you been thinking about Mr. Ponder all weekend long. You out drinking a gin and ginger ale on Friday night at Sally’s, thinking which one of those meat heads with the popped collar you’re going to settle for and take home with you so he can get all sloppy on you from behind while you fantasize about Christian Ponder’s white smile and soft hands caressing his Rambo rifle. Then Saturday rolls around and you’re left unsatisfied, still dreaming about Mr. Christian whipping his hair back over his head, flexing his chest instinctively as he does it. When Sunday shows up you’re at your typically normal withdrawal levels … sweaty palms, dry mouth, shaking uncontrollably in anticipation for that your spruce to emerge gracefully from the tunnel in the Metrodome, symbolically shooting his gun fingaz in your directions, STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HEART. But no … not this week. This week you have to go all the way until Monday night to see Sir Ponderosa take the field. Monday night, on prime time television, in front of MILLIONS of viewers, you have to share your fantasy with Cougars and Nittany Lions alike; any older woman or man wondering for three hours just how smooth Pondexter’s chest is.

Well. The answer, ladies, is very, and the wait, will be well worth it.

Strap your panties on tight, because Purple Jesus Diaries has a feeling that Christian Ponder and the Minnesota Vikings are going to be wetting crotches, leaving panty blotches, and rocking socks off all night long in this Monday Night Football game. Let’s do it.

Thanks to Randle9311 for another great game day graphic preivew!

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God dammit I hate the Packers: Let’s get some truths out of the way. The Green Bay Packers are stupid, ugly, and no one with an IQ above “retarded” actually roots for them. On top of this, they currently are the only undefeated team in the NFL. However, they are also vastly overrated. Sure, their offense is nice (for a team that has a fruit cake throwing the ball around for them … *wishes our QB was maybe fruit cake throwing the ball around for us*) and is subsequently ranked first in points per game and fourth in yards per game. ONLY FOURTH?? LOSERS! However, their defense is more vulnerable than a 10 year old boy in a Penn State locker room. They are currently sitting at 17th in defensive points allowed per game (horrible average, like a Minnesota Vikings team) and 30th … THIRTIETH … in defense yards allowed per game. “Whatever, dick, I don’t care how many yards we give up as long as we win!” Liar. You should, because that shit will inevitably come back to bite you in the ass. While I certainly hope it happens tonight on your home turf while Shanko whips his dick out and rubs it on your goal posts, I would also accept it happening during any round of the playoffs or the Super Bowl to break your incestuously made hearts all over the place. Cry, Packer fans, your tears sustain me!

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Prepare for ball washing: If I was stuck on a desert island and had a gun with only one bullet in it, and I was forced to use it on Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, or Jon Gruden, I would shoot myself in the brain to end my pain and misery. I cannot think of an honest to god, more self important, worthless, uninformative, trite, annoying, and gay-for-Aaron-Rodgers broadcasting team then who we’ll see on Monday night. The Monday Night Football crew is the god damn worst and I am likely to just watch this game on mute, or I’ll be forced to drink myself to death with all of the teste holding Gruden and Jaws will do with Aaron Rodgers. “THIS GUY IS PLAYING OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL THIS SEASON, JAWS.” “You know what Jon, I’ve watched quarterbacks for 35 years in the National Football League, and there is NO ONE who has played the position of quarter-back better than this Aaron Rodgers.” Shut. The. F*ck. Up. And if you think I’m going to turn on KFAN and listen to Paul Allen you can also suck my sausage. PA is somehow worse than all of these assholes combines. Sometime in the last four years he seemed to think he was a superstar broadcaster and the definitive thing on all things Vikings. His game calls are so full of condescending bull shit and unneeded hype that I’d sooner tear my own heart out and eat it. No thanks. I think I just hate everything related to the sport itself, just not the actually sporting action.

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Lambeau can eat shit: Speaking of … Lambeau can go eat some stadium shit and shut up. I’ve never heard so many people deify an effing BUILDING than assholes do with Lambeau. It’s like you’re a son of a bitch if you’ve never been to a football game there. Well, guess what, I’ve been to LOTS of football games LOTS of other places, and more often than not, football in person is stupid. Especially pro football. So I don’t give two shits about your stadium. The only other sports “cathedral” that is equally revered – which is equally annoying and will mark you as deserving a Brian Robison crotch kick – is Target Field. JEEEESSUUUUSSS CHRIST. Shut up about that stadium already. If I got to go there for free and get free booze and food, then it’d be worth it. But I don’t, and baseball is boring as shit, so instead I’ll just buy a fine Chianti and enjoy it with a nice home cooked bacon and asparagus linguine. IN YOUR FACE, SPORTS RAPE!

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Meme of the week: It’s a comic, but never trust a man when shaking his hand. Think, when was the last time he used that hand to masturbate? This morning in the shower? And hour ago at his desk? 20 minutes ago in the bathroom? Now he’s got your hand in his sweaty palm grip and you can never escape. Also, now, you’ll never be able to shake hands confidently again. Sucks, bro.

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Scotch of the week: I found another suggestion for you here from the Speyside area, which is always one of my favorites. This is the Glenrothes 1994. Following are some notes I didn’t write but that make me want to drink scotch right now:

  • Nose: the first few seconds are filled with buttery toffee which is typical for The Glenrothes. After that, a wave of zesty lemon shows up and make it a lot fresher. Its spring-character shows juicy pears and orange fruit gums with a touch of vanilla. Very citric. Lemon pie. Slightly flowery with hints of Cif (the cleaning cream). None of the spices that we see in older Glenrothes bottlings. Mouth: rather weak and watery. Quite malty with a fruity layer of fresh plums. Hints of hazelnuts in the aftertaste. Finish: not very long and quite soft. Pears. Light ginger and nuts.

It doesn’t sound like the best of scotches out there, but it does sound cheap. In fact, it’s easy-goingness sounds perfect for someone to fill up a flask and sneak it into a football stadium, one super revered like Lambeau, even! … Do people still do that? Is that a thing? It’s got to be cheaper than purchasing piss water beer from American brewers, right? Whatever, I’m not going anyway. Scotch at home, it is!

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Random tittays: Everyone knows about Sarah Jean Underwood, right? She was a Playboy bunny for a while and somehow then got relegated to the TV channel G4 doing some usually embarrassing and sexist acts. Like she really enjoys comics and video games … come on! She has boobs, there’s no way! Anyway, she’s naked all over the internet, so get to searching. And since we’re working with a “Shirtless Ponder” theme in this preview, searching for naked pictures of her is totally football related!

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BOLD PREDICTIONS: You know what? I’m totally going to be wrong on this, but I think we head into Lambeau and fist these guys straight into their rectums. And it’s a win-win for everyone. The Vikings get a win in what is likely the only important game left on their schedule, and the Packers get anal penetration which they enjoy anyways. Hurray! But really (even though it’s not “real” really, but like, “OK, back on subject” really), I think the team can make this competitive. I am looking for Purple Jesus to have another big game tonight. In the last meeting, he only had his third best rushing game of his career with 175 yards. Add in a prime time appearance when you know he’s amped up and I think he can do 125 and two touchdowns. On top of this, you have a rookie QB who now knows to stay this shit away from Charles Woodson when throwing, who simply doesn’t make McNabb-esque mistakes, and plays like a BAUSS on third downs, and you have a team that can compete with whoever. Rodgers is good, but Mike McCarthy is going to finger blast his team in the choad and force them to run more than they should when their running game is mediocre at best. Jared Allen has a big game, the offense doesn’t play like a bag off mushed buttholes, and the Vikings keep it close. We’ll lose … but for fun I’m going to say we win 31-27. BOOSH!

Enjoy the game, everyone. We’ll be back with a game review in the morning, but you can certainly check it out in the afternoon if you are still nursing a wicked hangover from when we get our ass handed to us. :-( Let’s hope for the best!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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