Purple Jesus Diaries Preseason Game One Recap – Now I Wish Football Never Came Back

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Bring Back the Lockout!
Think about this for a second. We just spent all summer worrying, fretting, being nervous and generally neurotic over the idea that football may be canceled in 2011. Not even the entire season, mind you, but maybe two games. Three games. We were all freaking out that we’d miss out on free agency news, training camp excitement, preseason action, and amazing football Sundays as the team rushed the field and spent three awesome hours battling it out. Well, I can share with you my friends that after football’s return this past weekend, when the Vikings “rushed” the field to get a butt in their rectum from the Tennessee Titans 14-3, that this was the most boring and anticlimactic football experience I have ever had and I almost wish the entire NFL was back in a f*cking lockout. Because at least then I wouldn’t know that the Vikings are a terrible team, and I wouldn’t be resigned to the fact, in August no less, that for at least three hours every weekend this fall I would be wasting three hours of my life I would never get back. Do you know how defeating that is? It’s a terrible realization. “Oh boy! I can’t wait to wake up and be productive today! Treat my wife to something special, mow the lawn, take a healthy poop, stroll around the neighborhood and say hi to my neighbors, forming last bonds and relationships with other living human beings! But wait! It’s Sunday and I have to watch the Minnesota Vikings drag their bloodied and semen covered corpses up and down a football field in a vain attempt at playing sports! I can’t wait!”

What a load of shit. I already hate the 2011 NFL season with the fire of a thousand UTIs.

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Trying to Figure Out Bill Musgrave:
I’m not ready to blame the coaches for any of these moves. The team, remaining coaches and fans are not even a full 12 months removed from the salad fingers of Brad Childress. It’s going to take some time to get that stank off the team, which is genuinely unfortunate. While he did leave us some solid pieces (Purple Jesus, Percy Harvin) he didn’t leave us that many, and it shows. Beyond checking out what individual players did on the field Saturday night, I was also interested in seeing what Bill Musgrave’s offense would look like. He’s really the only new coach that could make the team actually LOOK different. I mean, sure, Big Leslie is running the show now, but head coaches don’t actually do shit. “Run better! Nice job!” I could do that shit. Musgrave was potentially bringing something entirely NEW to the team. And after it’s all said and done … I, uh, I didn’t see it. I was actually surprised that there were so many short slant routes run. That seems awfully West-Coasty to me, and not what I imagined a Musgrave offense to look like. I do feel like I noticed more actual, recognizable and sensible football schemes, however. Crossing patters that cleared out space and got guys open. Tight ends up the middle. Roll outs when necessary. It seemed like football, which doesn’t seem like something I ever saw with Childress. Oh, and totally, the team was just running vanilla schemes last night guys, so that’s why they looked so bad. Can’t show all of the trick plays this early in the season! *sobs*

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Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: When a team as horrible as ours loses as ugly as they did last night, there is A LOT of blame you can toss around. Hey, offensive line? You ALL should be getting stamped by McNabb’s Chunky Mushroom soup. Ever one of you looked terrible. Oh, and every single defensive player on the team? You better watch your ass (face, actually) because Mike Singletary is coming to the locker room and taking his pants off. You all deserve as such. But no. We have to be specific! Focus our hate! It will make us stronger! So this week we’re calling out the largest bag of assholes from last season into this one, who is of course Chris Cook. After being drafted high in the second round in 2010, this guy has done nothing but look HORRIBLE in any action he has tried to perform. Tracking a ball? Terrible. Showing make-up speed? Poor. Cutting poop out of a dogs fur? Insufficient. He literally can’t do ANYTHING at all. I bet he uses an electric toothbrush because he doesn’t know how to us a normal one. Oh, and the blown assignment on Jake Locker’s touchdown pass to Yamon Figurs was just the worse. “But he saw the fumbled snap and was breaking on the ball! That’s why Figurs got behind him!” Really? What, a cornerback is going to recover a fumbled snap 30 yards away? GTFO. Stay on your man. Did you never watch Top Gun? If we have to rely on this meat sack at any point this season, it’s going to look like the Bears game at TCF Stadium last year all over again. GROSS.

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Who I’ll Allow to Live After Saturday Night: However, not every played looked terrible. I know, I don’t know how these guys pulled it off either. Here are some guys who I will allow to live after Saturday night due to their not-seppuku inducing performances:

QBs: All of the QBs can live. McNabb looked surprisingly crisp and sharp in his throws. They had good zip on them. He showed decent mobility in the never-existing pocket and gives us a chance. Webb and Ponder looked like rookies still (Webb looked a little more comfortable) but they were facing high school players essentially, so it doesn’t really matter. Bomar never saw the field, so all is right with the world.

RBs: Purple Jesus didn’t get hurt = fantastic. Lorenzo Booker looked totally erotic out there, making solid cuts and showing good bursts of speed. Nice vision too, finding holes that must have been minuscule behind our lard ass OLine. Even White Guy Gerhart looked way better than last year, showing better speed and power. That is certainly an interesting development.

WRs: There were so many new wide receivers and different numbers out there I honestly don’t remember what happened. However, Jaymar Johnson looked way faster than I ever remembered him looking, and I thought I saw his number make some impressive hand grabs on poorly thrown balls. Likewise, Iglesias, although he won’t make the team, showed impressive speed. And although I know he made plays, I don’t remember a single one of them, but it sounds like Rudolph did well too at tight end. Good.

DL: I thought Everson Griffen looked quick off the ball. He over-pursued some plays, but it’s early and just his relentless motor (I sound like Ron Jaworski, kill me) was nice to see after nothing last year. Christian Ballard looked good too, bull rushing people and getting a sack. That other French sounded DT we got looked decent too.

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I Don’t Wish You Dead, but Son, You Dissapoint: There were also several players that didn’t do great, but weren’t terrible, but still dissapointing, but not worth killing them over, but still I wish they would have done better on Saturday night. Those people include:

Erin Henderson: I know he led the team in tackles that night, but I thought he’d be more of a force in the backfield. It seemed like he instead just was stopping the bleeding a lot.

Tyrell Johnson: He almost should be in the impressive list, but I went from wishing him syphilis to wishing him a stubbed toe after Saturday. He showed an ability to hit the offensive player and was CLOSER to being in the right position. We’ll see what happens here.

Carmarillo: Had a nice grab and showed some shiftiness getting up the field. But … it’s just Greg Camarillo. And why were you playing football? My lawn needs to maintenance done, dude. Get back to work.

Jamarca Sanford: He had some nice hits and was around the ball, but he’s still not what we need at safety. Maybe he’ll improve? Please? For some Skittles?

Ryan Longwell: There are new kickoff rules which allow kickers to pretty much throw it underhand out of the back of the endzone and you STILL can’t get a touch back? Come on, guy.

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Who Has Been Added to the Assassination List: Unfortunately, there were many other players that brought our team down and ruined everything for everyone. FUN RUINERS! WHY DON’T YOU WANT THE TEAM TO WIN?! There players should be immediately removed from the team, force fed white dog shit, or made to kiss an 80-year old woman without any teeth due to their shitting performances. In no order of shittiness they are:

Bertrand Brandon: Nice effort on the deep ball, you sack of shit. You ran yourself out of the play completely. I’m not, nor will I ever, be convinced that you can be serviceale at anything but blowing men.

The entire offensive line: How do so many 300+ pound men get tossed around like a rape victim? You figure we’d have struck gold with ONE of these shit heels. They all sucked. They wouldn’t know what a pocket was if any of them bothered to wear pants.

Asher Allen: You and Chris Cook should join Brad Childress in the firing squad.

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Revised Best Case Scenarios: OK, not to say that I thought this team was going to the Super Bowl or anything in 2011 before Saturday night, but, like a retard who saw a disco ball, I was reasonably optimistic about the future of this team. I thought maybe we could rattle of nine wins or something and surprise some people! Maybe McDonovan could recapture some of his Eagles magic and spark the offense. Maybe the defense from 2010 was just an aberration under Big Leslie and they’d return to their dominating form. BUT IT WAS ALL A LIE. This team looks like it still sucks and will struggle the entire year on both sides of the ball. And that’s depressing. This might be the last year we have Purple Jesus. Guys like Kluwe, Kevin Williams, Winny and other veterans are on a team with a bunch of entitled poop dicks ruining their careers. AND, this might even be the last year the Vikings play football ever in Minnesota. And we’re supposed to be excited for it? What a load. It’s all just super depressing, and I fully expect this team to do no better than five wins. Enjoy it!

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A Losing Haiku for a Bunch of Losers:

Maybe we could win,
If the team let coaches dress,
With some dignity.

Whatever. Let’s see what happens next week when our favorite team of losers heads to Seattle to beat the shit out of TarVar and Sidney. DEATH TO ALL TRAITORS! Well, and to TarVar, just because.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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