Purple Jesus Diaries Pseudo-Preseason Game Four Review

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Alright, cats out of the bag, Vikings out of the boat, or Percy’s out of weed, whichever turn of phrase you want to use. I didn’t actually watch this drivel last night so I have no idea what happened (outside of the fact that we won and Pondexter threw a touchdown to Rudolph). After reviewing many recaps, other people’s notes and looking at porn for seven hours, I feel confident in saying I can still fake my way through a pseudo-game review with the best of them, so we’ll hit you with some talking points and allow YOU to educate ME on how boring the game was last night.

Take it away, dirtbags!

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1. Mushroom Stamp of Approval goes to … Caleb King? I guess? I mean, Pondexter did start and lead a couple of scoring drives (so I hear …) but it seems like he was rather underwhelming and, at most, showing decent scrambling and escapability. Unfortunately, he’s a quarterback who needs to throw, not run. Color me unimpressed. However, King sounds like he hit holes hard and fast (SEX JOKE!) and did score two touchdowns for the team, even if it was in garbage time. Practice squad? Roster spot? Is the fat whitey Gerhart in trouble?! I don’t think so, but people like to stupidly get all excited over scrub players, so here you go.

2. What I was doing … Not watching Dodgeball or Selling New York like you think I was, but I was sacrificing my body and time to do research on Scotch, so you owe me BIG. Keep that in mind before you make a scathing comment. Great scotch selections forthcoming.

3. Tell me more about … I see a guy named “Ryan Hill” had seven tackles on the night. He apparently plays safety? Did we just sign him Thursday afternoon or something because I don’t remember this name at all. In fact, just looking at the name, I’d guess he’s a pudgy white guy who plays offensive line somewhere. Maybe a swing player back-up who isn’t talented enough to focus on one position. But no, he’s a safety, I guess. Speaking of safeties, it also sounds like our favorite Foam Partier had a decent game, with several tackles and a couple of pass break-ups. When was the last time we had a safety disrupt a pass play? Corey Chavous?

4. Your ass is cut … It sounded like Tyrell Johnson spent 60 minutes digging his own grave. Dropped interceptions and general ineptitude may doom him as a Viking and as a football player. As an aside, did anyone see Taylor Mays’ debut for the Bengals? Jesus, that guy sucks too.

5. Kluwe for MVP … Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like Kluwe was hitting midseason form already with his punts, dropping 3 within the 20 yard line and one of those getting an assist from great punt coverage dropping a kick at the one? That’s impressive. The team has some contracts to work on with PJ and Greenway, but they better turn towards Kluwe next or they will NEVER be forgiven. EVER.

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/awasom-texans.jpg6. Making an Awasom case … Everyone’s favorite name on the team (After Stylez White, of course) sounds like he came up big too, and may push for a final roster spot. Adrian Awasom had two sacks last night and sounded like one of them was crushing. Can he push Griffen, Robison, and others for playing time? I’m not so sure, but he was nabbed early before the lock-out this past offseason by the team, so you imagine they have some long term interest in him.

7. Offensive line likes to rush … The offensive line has impressed me all season, but only because my expectations for them were so terribly, terribly low. However, with our only real asset on the team at running back, we need to turn the line into a running powerhouse, and for the most part they have steadily improved on that. Last week we saw some huge holes for Purple Jesus, and even this week we have been able to put on a great running performance. I’m not sure why pass blocking is so much hard for people (it seems like it’d be less work?) but the QB pressure is still unacceptable. But let’s start small and work our way up, maybe just run the ball for the first month of the season?

8. I know we had some field correspondents there … I saw some readers were Tweeting live from the game, and that brought me much delight. Hopefully all four of you follow each other, so someone was able to give you updates on broken plays and dropped interceptions. Any time people want to help out on the information sharing part by tweeting from the game, I promise to make you richer than a thousand Sultans!

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9. Here’s some music for you … Bobby Brown will get you ready for the weekend. Look at those crazy legs. Is he doing the Humpty Dance? What a bad ass. Also, ladies, do what he says or he’ll beat your god damn face in.

10. What to watch this weekend … Now in a dead period until next Thursday’s kickoff between the Saints and the Packers (BBOOOOO!!), you’ll just have to settle with college football (*fist pump*). I’ll be watching for LSU/Oregon (Oregon should win with LSU having banned all their cheaters) as well as Boise St./Georgia in hopes that those Broncos get their ass fisted. Also, I’ll tune in to watch the Gophers get prison sexed by a depleted USC team that, to the Goofers, will look like a Super Bowl squad. CAN’T WAIT.

Enjoy the weekend, and we’ll see you next week where we begin all of this shit for real. BOOSH!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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