Purple Jesus On Suicide Watch

*Officer Steve buckles his seat belt after getting back into his car from making a Super America run. His radio buzzes.*

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Officer Dan: Officer Steve, this is Officer Dan, are you available? Over.

Officer Steve: This is Officer Steve, Officer Dan. What’s your APB? Over.

Officer Dan: Iiiiiiiuuuh got an issue with a sports figure Officer Steve and I need some advice, over.

Officer Steve: Oh-hoh! Is Al Jefferson back in town, drinking and driving, over?!

Officer Dan: Mmmmmmno Officer Steve, this is a bit more serious. I pulled over a Minnesota Vikings player, and when I got to the window I found it was Purple Jesus, and … uh … he doesn’t look well, over.

Officer Steve: Purple Jesus? He doesn’t look well, Officer Dan? What do you mean, over?

Officer Dan: Well, Officer Steve … I think he was trying to commit suicide. He didn’t have his seat belt on. Over.

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Office Steve: GOD LORD! WHAT WAS HE THINKING?! HE’S THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER ON THAT TEAM?! WHY WOULDN’T HE WEAR A SEAT BELT, IS HE DAFT, OVER?!

Officer Dan: I know, Officer Steve, I know. It doesn’t make sense. I’m worried about him, more than if this was Mr. Berrian or Mr. Sanford. Purple Jesus looked … disheveled, kind of, withdrawn, depressed, saddened. Like a man who had seen one too many losses in his life time, probably more than we could even fathom, and he just couldn’t take it anymore. I … I think he needs help, over.

Officer Steve: Help? Officer Dan, he’s a professional football player with millions of dollars. He’s fine, he doesn’t need are help, he’s …

Officer Dan: DAMMIT STEVE, HE’S A MAN! HE’S A MAN WITH AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF WEIGHT ON HIS SHOULDERS AND NO ONE IS HELPING HIM CARRY IT! NOT HIS COACHES, NOT HIS QUARTERBACKS, NOT HIS OFFENSIVE LINE OR DEFENSE, NO ONE, DAMMIT! HE JUST NEEDS A FRIEND RIGHT NOW, over.

Officer Steve: Alright, alright, I get it. Listen, explain to him that it’s standard protocol to take athletes to a VIP room at Fairview Hospital. Walk him up to the front and tell the attendee that he needs to see “Dr. No.” He’ll know what to do. He’s a mental health doctor and a shaman … perfect for guys like Purple Jesus in this state of mind. It’ll take three days and he’ll be ready to play again, having forgotten about this whole incident. Over.

Officer Dan: Alright, I … I’ll give it a shot. I’ve just … I’ve never seen anyone so let down from their teammates before. I don’t blame the guy. I’ve wanted to kill myself a couple of times too watching these guys play. Thanks for the advice Officer Steve, and you take care, OK? Over.

Office Steve: Will do, and no problem, Officer Dan. God speed to you and your cargo, over.

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PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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