A lot of people made a fuss yesterday about the fact that Purple Jesus wasn’t attending a youth football camp next weekend for Adrian Peterson. You see, ProCamps, the group which set up this whole shebang, is holding a youth football program that weekend at the University of Oklahoma, where such Oklahoma greats (like Demarco Murray, Mark Clayton and … Jason White?) will work with youth on their football skills while the children all Punt, Pass and Kick like a bunch of weak armed babies. The camp was charging $199 for youth to attend, kind of under the false notion that for that fee, Adrian Peterson would be there to hang out with the kids.
Unfortunately, ProCamps broke news yesterday that Peterson would in fact NOT be at this camp, instead attending something for the NFL Network about being an awesome football player. This bit of news caused a hubbub, made dumbass media outlets question Peterson’s iffy schedule making abilities, and disapprovingly shake their white finger at a black man again. Go figure, whitey.
Frankly, I was really confused about this whole thing, largely because outside of that guy for the Chicago Bears, I have no damn clue who Adrian Peterson is.
You see, the camp wasn’t called “Purple Jesus’ Football Camp of Clit Rupturing featuring Mila Kunis” or anything. If it was, you could bet your ass Purple Jesus himself would be there. He would part the flooding Missouri River, strut down that biotch like a bawss, move large stones out of his way, heal blind people and leopars (but not gays for some reason?) and then get to that camp, throw some spiral daggers into the chest of a bunch of kids, punt the ball into the Gulf of Mexico from Oklahoma and go back to being awesome on the regular. But that isn’t happening, clearly, because this dumbass camp group couldn’t even figure out who they were trying to get to come to their camp!
“Oh, let’s have that realy good running back that wears purple come!”
“You mean … Toby Gerhart?”
“No! I said good!”
“No, he wears blue! Or white sometimes. Or something. The other one!”
“…………………………………. Frank Gore?”
See? It gets you nowhere. Adrian Peterson? Does he even still play for the Bears? And if he does, should he? He’s clearly only Adrian Peterson I know in the NFL.
Here’s a word to the wise: If you’re going to try and get a football player to make an appearance at your event, make sure you get their name right. You’re not going to call up the Lions and be like, “Hey, is Calvin Johnson available?” They’re be like, “Who? It’s Megatron, bitch!” And you don’t call the Packers and be like, “Hey, would Aaron Rodgers make an appearance at our school?” because the Packers would say “Oh, you mean The Guy Who’s Penis I Dream of Lapping?” You have to speak the language of these people, and ProCamps clearly doesn’t.
They eventually came out yesterday and apologized for the whole fiasco, saying the scheduling error was totally their boner. Too little, too late, I say. We didn’t wait 2,000 years for Christ to be resurrected just so these dingle-berries could get his name wrong. “Maybe they’ll remember it after I build anticipation FOR 2,000 YEARS!” Clearly it didn’t work. I fear for us all because of this grievous error they have made, and pray for our souls.
And pray that Purple Jesus will make football happen this year.