Purple Jesus (or known to the morons at ESPN as “Adrian Peterson” I guess) is the 2011 guest author in their annual “Revenge of the Jocks” feature. Ooo! It sounds so edgy and 1997! Watch out now! ESPN is cutting edge and totally going to be cool someday when they finally fire lard ass Chris Berman! Stupid TV station……
Anyway, I wouldn’t encourage any of you to actually do more than watch the video after the jump and check out these highlights which I transcribed for you, in order to save you $4.99 which you can now instead spend on a real magazine like Play
girlboy. Also, most of this garbage is online somewhere at ESPN.com if you want to riffle through that and bother with auto-playing videos of Adam Schefter’s voice and shit like that. Or, again, just stop here. And send your friends here too. Page views pay daddy’s bills, as do linking to sexy pictures of Minka Kelly and Katy Perry. Boner alert!
Whatever, on to the highlights already, idiot:
Arrrggh! You ALMOST get to see him take his shirt off right away! What the hell are you thinking, ESPN??! No wonder your magazine sucks.
Inside this sucky magazine, there is a one-on-one interview between Purple Jesus and Sidney Rice, before Rice went all Reggie White on people and stole a bunch of money. It gives a bit of insight into how close they are. Rice is the first person PJ interviews in this segment, but there are also interviews with Ndamukong Suh (fuck yes), Sam Bradford and others. This whole portion is actually online HERE, but here’s the Rice part:
Sidney Rice is my closest friend in the league. We met before my rookie season at Athletes’ Performance (AP) in Arizona and later became teammates and road roommates in Minnesota. Sidney’s situation is unique because as a free agent the lockout kept him from signing with anyone. He’s going to be fine, though. Sidney can make plays the average receiver can’t. His body is so flexible; he can adjust to back shoulder passes or those that are too high. He’s a quarterback’s dream.
Q: You were frustrated being on the sideline last season with your hip injury. How are you feeling now?
A: Really good, man. I went back to the trainer I had before my big year in 2009 (83 receptions, 1,312 yards, 8 touchdowns), and I think we’re on the right track. I’ve actually been doing some MMA training.
Q: Did you adjust your training to improve your durability?
A: I’m eating a lot better. I’m doing some stretching and core work. For my conditioning, the mixed martial arts has really helped. I see a difference in my speed and instincts already.
Q: I know the burn you’re feeling, brother, but it’ll pay off. Are you at all concerned about not having had an official off-season?
A: My biggest concern is the rookies. A lot of things are riding on those guys, and when you don’t have that off-season, you can’t learn your playbook or get to know all your coaches and teammates, things like that. So it’s going to be tough. A lot of guys are depending on rookie quarterbacks to come in, and I feel like they’re really going to be upset.
Q: When are you going to take me up on my one-on-one hoops challenge? Are you scared?
A: AD, you are one of the most competitive guys I know and I respect that, but you have no chance against me on the court. No chance.
Dammit Squid, why did you have to go break all of our hearts like that? Still makes me rage. It’s like he purposefully picked TarVar over me. WHAT THE HELL. Purple Jesus also apparently really likes Reggie Miller, which I’m totally cool with. Although Reggie never won an NBA Championship (Don’t emulate that, PJ) Reggie WAS a total bad ass on the basketball court. The ESPN 30 for 30 episode featuring him was fantastic and highly recommended, even though I understand the irony in recommending an ESPN show after I just called them a suck stick. Whatever. The real telling part about the whole Reggie Miller fascination:
“Peterson has long said that if his older brother, Brian, hadn’t been killed in an accident when he was 8 years old, he’d have grown up to look – and play – like Miller. Adrian was 7 when Brian died, and he’s worshipped the future Hall of Famer ever since. Despite a shared social circle, the two had never met. Until now.”
BUM-BUM-BUUUUUM! Dramatic, ESPN writer. Douche. The rest of the magazine is filled with player highlights and short interview clips with people Purple Jesus demanded on stone tablets that the magazine look into. It’s pretty boring, but there are some pictures of boobs here and there in tight clothing, so that may interest you. The only other noteworthy part I wanted to share was in a section ESPN called “Pass the Mic” (MC Stafford would love this piece), where athletes sound off on various things they want to get off their chests. Shirtless chests? I doubt it. Purple Jesus had this to say, though:
“You know what bugs me? People who are quick to pass judgment like they know me. Media and fans criticize me for some comments I made about football being a form of modern slavery. It was the way I felt at one particular moment and people jumped on me for it. When a spot I did for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s campaign against human trafficking aired later in the spring, the media assumed it was reactionary, like I was trying to make up for what I had said. The truth is, I shot that ‘Real Men Don’t Buy Girls’ spot on Feb. 26 because I have a daughter, a mother and sisters; I’m passionate about empowering young women. I sponsor Girl Scouts Troop 2529 in my hometown, Palestine, Texas, and one of the state’s top girls AAU teams, AD-Elite. You may disagree with things I say or do, but please get all the facts before you draw conclusions. My commitment to these efforts is real.”
Alright, bud, I believe you. I never had any problem with the comments because, well, they were kind of right in a way if people stopped being assholes about it, but let’s also not let you just get away totally with “that’s how I felt at one particular moment” cop out. I felt like I wanted to push a shopping cart with a crying child in it straight into a display of glass jar pickles once, but I didn’t do it either. But it still crossed my mind and probably makes me a bad person. Whatever. We all have skeletons in our closets and we know yours and shiny, and white, and wearing robes, and signing hymns, and scoring touchdowns at the same time, somehow. I like your skeletons.
And that’s Purple Jesus folks. A Reggie Miller fan who sponsors an AAU team called “AD-Elite” who thinks he’s a slave. Or something. GET YO FACKS STRAIGHT!