Paul Allen, radio host on KFAN and the voice of the Vikings, has opined for several years on a variety of players in the Vikings organization. Despite his best efforts to sound unbiased on radio and to try to not look full of formaldehyde while on TV, even the most casual of listeners know where “PA’s” heart lies when it comes to certain players …
/soft guitar music plays in the background, welcoming listeners to the 9 to Noon show
“Dear rubes and rubettes of Rube Nation, another Vikings season has come to a close and despite the coach firings, the heart breaking losses, and the ups and downs of our purple team, I can still tell you with a straight face that these past two years have been the absolute BEST of my professional life. The losses hurt less. The lows ain’t too bad! And the memories will always shine brighter. Why? Because for two years, Purple Nation was BLESSED to have the greatest quarterback, the most enthusiastic football player who has ever graced the National Football League don our colors and throw the football like a kid out there for 31 games.
“And you know what Tiny Joe? These were the absolute BEST days of my life!”
/Tiny Joe plays some annoying sound bites “DOHKAY” “AWW!” and more
“Oh, it seems like only yesterday when the sun peaked out from behind the clouds and the celestial body of Mr. Favre descended on Saint Paul and was transported to Winter Park by Mister Brad Childress to bring this Vikings team to new heights. As a radio broadcaster I tried to remain objective. I looked at the positive and negatives of acquiring Brett Favre for our favorite team. But as a fan, I called my wife, I told her with Favre now in town that I wa filing for a divorce, and that me and Jeff Dubay were going to head to Vegas for a weekend celebration bender because our wedding day was a far, far, far distant second as far as most exciting days in my life. Brett Favre as a Viking? It’s just TOPS, man!
“And that first season? Not too, bad, Tiny Joe! Things were looking good. Brett Favre was having the best season of his storied, heavenly career, and in the purple no less! GAWT! It was destiny! We were all headed to Dallas! I was singing and weeping Jefferson Starship with my boy the Common Man as we absolutely ROLLED the Cowboys in the playoffs. But then … Tragedy struck. An interception was thrown, and the dream was dead. It wasn’t Brett’s fault though, man! We were BLESSED! We should have been thanking him for even getting us that far! Forget that he had room to run or could have thrown to in the flat. It wasn’t Brett’s fault, man! It was ours, because we didn’t believe in him enough!
“But I believed Brett, I believed. I believed in 2009 and in 2010. I was SO happy to have you back! I felt like getting my Daunte roll on! I even sent JA, Steve, and Ryan gift baskets this holiday season that said ‘Thanks for BBBB.’ Why four B’s? For Bringing Brett Back, Boys, cause they’re my boys! And even though Brett came back and got beat up, and knocked around, and falsely accused of sending inappropriate text photos to YEAH BABIES (It’s not true, they were to me!), I believed Brett was still the best for this team. I didn’t even care that the Purple was losing. I just felt honored to have the opportunity after every game to walk up to Brett and say ‘Hey, man, nice game.’ and for him to smile at me each time. I melted! I got squishy in my man parts, Tiny Joe! I’ve never felt this way about anyone before! And I’d do it all over again, in a Tarvaris jump pass.
“And that’s how every fan should have felt after two years with football immortality. In two years we won a single NFC North title with Brett, but it felt like we won so much more. I know I won a person to dream over for the rest of my life. These two years of games, and really, those two minutes after every game to say ‘See you later Brett’, were the best moments of my entire life. Better than the birth of my child, my marriage, my graduation, and both Twins World Series titles combined. And if any fan disagrees, I will fight them through weeping eyes, and with a sad trombone in my pants.
“We’ll be right back with Team Tubby Talk, including can you believe the Gophers are disappointing???! And Wolves talk; Man, they look NICE!”
/Fart noises lead into obscure R&B music that makes Paul Allen think black people will like him